Not Good Enough For Her?


I recently come to a realization and it makes me feel like an ass. When looking at profiles with Anne, I had dismissed a few couples out of hand after seeing pictures, specifically pictures of the man. I had dismissed these couples. Me. Based on pictures of the man. At the time it didn’t really register that what I was doing. I know Anne knew why I had dismissed them, but consciously I don’t think I did, at least not at the time.

That isn’t the worst part though. This next part really makes me feel horrible now that I actually understand what was going on in my brain. Anne and I were having dinner with two other couples. Afterwards, I told her I was put off by one of the men. At the time I totally honestly believed he was just overly flirty or doing something outside of my comfort zone. He was not any more or less flirty than anyone else that evening. However, now I see that I just didn’t think he was good enough for Anne. He is a extremely nice and cool guy, but physically, he is a larger guy. And that was it right there. I didn’t think he was attractive enough for my wife. I almost feel sick to my stomach just admitting all this. That is how terrible I really feel about it now that I see it clearly.

Anne and I are traveling this road together. Everything needs to be done within the confines that we laid down for ourselves. Our relationship is of primary importance, always. This is the basic premise I have used for figuring out what is and what is not all right. However, that in no way applies to this situation. This is clearly some over aggressive alpha male bullshit which, if you ask anyone that knows me, that is certainly not me. I personally think I am one of the most passive and laid back people I know.

I can understand wanting the best for her. But this was not the same. This wasn’t me wanting to buy her the best dress we can afford. It was me wanting to protect her from something that, quite frankly, she didn’t need protecting from. It is one thing to say, “That guy has got track marks on his arms. I don’t think it is safe to play with him.” But this was me essentially saying, “That guy is a little out of shape. I don’t think you would enjoy him.” That is not really my call. I can not, should not, and will not tell my wife who she can or can not play with if it falls within the bounds of our rules unless her and our safety is at stake or perhaps if the rules are too lax in some respect. However, this doesn’t fall under either of those.

I realize that I need to be completely comfortable with both what she is doing and what I am doing. Otherwise we shouldn’t proceed. I just don’t think that this should make me uncomfortable. Honestly, this realization has made me take a good long look at myself. It has rattled me quite a lot and made me wonder how well I really know who I am. This journey is turning out to be quite interesting indeed.

Of course, when I told Anne all this she simply replied, “I figured that is what it was, but I thought I would let you work it out.”

Thanks, Dear.


An average suburbanite barely into his 30s, Jack has recently begun a more exciting secret sexy life with his wife, Anne. These experiences have led him to preach the gospel of sex positivity and safer sex to anyone who will listen.


  1. Being one of the bigger out of shape males I find making the choice to not play with somebody based on their weight appalling!! If this body shape puts you off so much do everybody a favor and list in your profile that you are lookin for HWP people. It would save everyone some time they can never get back.

    • In his defense, Rich, I know I\’ve been put off by a number of people in this lifestyle for various things, some body related, other personality related, some their fault, some not. Considering there really are people for everyone in the swinging lifestyle, you should never feel obligated to play if you aren\’t attracted to them.

    • Rich,

      One of the things Jack and I agreed on when we decided to write this blog was that we would be as open and honest as possible about our experiences and feelings.

      Please don't misunderstand. We have not ruled out any potential playmates based on weight. It may have impacted our decisions regarding who we would contact during our initial search, but we did have to make those decisions somehow, and so we imposed a lot of arbitrary strictures to help narrow down our choices. However, we certainly haven't blacklisted anyone, nor have we turned down, based on weight, an opportunity to meet anyone who has contacted us (though we've turned people down for a variety of other reasons).

      Our hope is that our blog will be of some benefit to other people who are new to the lifestyle, or are in the process of deciding whether they want to be a part of it or not. That means we want to lay bare the struggles and issues we have, because someone else might be able to learn from them. I'm sorry that you're upset by Jack's post, and I do understand why you feel that way, but we're sort of looking at this whole thing as a journey of self-discovery. We (and you, and other people reading our blog) might not always like what we discover in ourselves, but knowing that it's there can give us the opportunity to do something about it. We all have biases and prejudices – personally, I'd rather confront them head-on than let them simmer somewhere in my subconscious.

    • Thanks for taking the time to read and reply, Rich. I feel like you might have missed the point of my post some. It is possible that maybe I was just not clear. Let me clarify. Anne and I don't necessarily have issues with anyone's body type. We meet people based on if they have things in common with us and/or if we are attracted to them.

      What I was trying to convey in my post was that I was shocked and surprised when I realized that I was turning down whole couples based on the fact that deep in my subconscious I didn't think the man was attractive enough for my wife. I am not trying to offend anyone. I am, however, trying to be totally honest with myself and state things as I see them and as I discover them.

      As a matter of fact the man I was talking about knows me as both my real self and as Jack. He does not know I wrote this. If he reads it he will most certainly know it is about him, but I wrote and posted it anyways. It really was quite a profound moment for me. It really truly did make me wonder how well I know myself and before I was damn sure I knew myself very well. I don't think this man will be upset. If he is then I will apologize. However, this is what we set out to do with this blog. Anne and I want to be honest about everything we do. No where else have I seen someone write as they get into this. We will share both the good time and the bad times… and so far there is definitely some of both we need to share (we are a bit behind).

      • Hi Jack,

        We all appreciate your honesty. Self-revelations, especially those from deep within, can be difficult to accept on a personal level—much less write about and expose for the world to see.

        Although I can understand Rich's reaction, my own response was nodding recognition at your "ah ha!" moment. I didn't feel that you were focusing on the issue of weight; it seemed incidental to the exploration of your feelings. The man could have had any one of a number of physical characteristics that you associate with a man who is "not good enough" for Anne.

        Your disclosure led me to think about what features might trigger a negative reaction in my own subconscious, and what characteristics I might find weighing against my decision to allow my girlfriend to play with someone. I do not consider myself a jealous, possessive, or controlling person, and had no inkling that such thoughts even existed in my mind, so this thought experiment was very fruitful.

        (Having read through the first couple of chapters in The Myth of Monogamy over the past few days, I also couldn't help thinking about what the impulse to find "worthy" playmates for a spouse might mean in the context of evolutionary biology. It seems to be a perfectly natural thought process to me.)

        • Exactly Brian. This could have been triggered by anything and as I said I didn't even know what was causing it at first. I am glad this lead you to have a thought experiment of your own. It would have been much easier for my if I had done that before hand. The main thing is knowing what it is makes it infinitely easier to work through.

          Excellent question about evolutionary biology. If I am the only one that has had these feeling then it could just be me, but you sound like you found something in your thought experiment. So there is probably more to it than me just being messed up. 😛

  2. Trbl and I just had this conversation last night. I am very much attracted to both halves of the couple we have been enjoying the company of recently. Trbl had a moment almost exactly like the one you talk about here last night. I am very satisfied with our playtime and specifically with the male half of the couple who I happen to be very attracted to and enjoy a strong chemistry with. But Trbl was concerned that I wasn’t getting all I needed from this man during our playtime. Like you he was experiencing a he’s not really good enough for you moment, and like you it isn’t his choice to make – -but mine and I happen to be very happy with what our new friend brings to the table.

    I love him for his concern and I love him even more for listening when I say I am happy and not worrying any more about it. 

    Introspection can be a bitch and is not for the weak of heart. Nice job on being able to see what was happening and on taking steps to change it. 

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