Ask A Swinger – Big and Beautiful, Will I Fit In?

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We here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don't hesitate to ask!

My hubby and I are new to the lifestyle, and though I have played with a close friend of mine, my husband and I havnt really done anything together. Im rather on the large side with most of my weight being located on my hips and butt (can you say junk in the trunk). Though I would love to make friends and get to knowsome of the beautiful ladies I am worried that I just simply wont fit in. Ive always been a bit insecure about my body, though I know my face is cute. Im currently preggers and though im waiting till I have the baby to meet strangers, I am wondering if I should wait until Im allot smaller….please help! How do people generally react to a person who is shapley on the large side???

Angele

Swinging, just like any other aspect of life, offers a complete cross-section of humanity. You will encounter all kinds of body types and looks: short, tall, skinny, fat, attractive, unattractive, etc. Not everyone looks like they walked off the set of mainstream porn (and that wouldn’t be particularly exciting if that were the case anyway).

As a big girl myself, I understand and empathize with your apprehension about whether or not you will be accepted in the swinger community (believe me, I’ve been there before). You will find people who appreciate you specifically because you are a bigger girl with “junk in the trunk,” either because you are the type they are naturally attracted to (um, can *I* have your number??), or because you are different from what they are used to. That’s the point of the lifestyle—to try out different partners.

You may always feel some trepidation about your body before you get naked with new partners. This gets easier with experience. However, if you expect your body to be perfect before you show it off (waiting until you are “a lot smaller”), you have essentially put on the brakes before you’ve even started. Would you demand the same perfection from your potential partners? Are you going to obsessively catalog your partners’ flaws (a la Jerry Seinfeld)? Probably not. Hopefully you will be much too excited to get to the sex! Likewise, your partners will be much too excited to have sex with you to worry about your baby weight or stretch marks (hint: some men and women think this is a turn-on).

Remember: swingers are real people just like you with their own concerns about their own bodies. These very same people think you are sexy just the way you are. If you are truly concerned about the way you look not being received well, be upfront about your luscious bottom: advertise yourself honestly as a bigger girl, but don’t whine about your weight. It’s just not sexy. Your hips on the other hand? Delicious! I guarantee you that you are desired as you are. You are the only person preventing you from getting naked and having sexy sexy fun. A final note: your attitude and personality will ultimately be what wins people over—but your yummy tummy is not going to hurt in the least.

(Seriously. Call me.)

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  1. Avatar

    (Been reading a while, but first time posting…) I think I needed to read this; this was something I had questions about. Should I ever choose to do this, I do fear rejection because of my size. One thing I can be happy about–even if it is not exactly about my body–is the fact I will not lie about it: I am almost 5'4" and around 260, give or take a few. I do have curves, however–which Brian likes VERY much!

    I have lots of work to do in the self-confidence department; that I do know. As a matter of fact, I admit I am a little proud of myself for putting myself out here–and no I wasn't trying to post up an "ad" for myself just now. I think maybe I am dipping in my pinkie toe? Maybe I would like to hear what others think about larger people? Any advice would be greatly appreciated; thank you so much for listening!

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      Hi Dawn,

      Disclaimer: I'm not an expert by any means! I have less experience in open relationships than even you do, so take everything I write here with a large grain of salt. I trust Cooper & Co. to provide more informative and accurate assessments than I could ever dream of.

      There appears to be a dichotomy of lifestyle experiences. First impressions are important, and most of the first impression you get from an individual is physical. Physical attraction is usually the reason you strike up conversations with people in the first place. Some swingers will say that they only want to play with attractive, sexy people—that's the reason they're in the lifestyle. That's not a bad thing, it's just how they roll. On the other hand, there are also many people in the lifestyle who want to get to know their play partners and become friends; for these relationships, initial physical attraction soon takes a back seat to personality compatibility.

      That being said, studies show that how you instinctively respond to a person in the first few seconds after meeting them will heavily influence how you feel about them for a good long time afterward. First impressions are important, and part of that first impression is physical appearance—whether we like it or not. (Instinct, pheromones, and/or other factors may also play a role, but we can't control those responses like we can control our physical appearance.)

      The adage you hear a lot, "there's someone for everyone in the lifestyle" is true—to an extent. Yes, you will find people who like you and want to play with you just the way you are. If you're playing the game of odds, though, you have a much better chance of finding someone who is attracted to you if you are in the "normal" range of height/weight proportion. There are those who are attracted to larger (and smaller) people, and those who simply make no distinction, but I wager that these individuals represent a minority.

      Don't let that discourage you, though! The less you worry about odds (and numbers, and notches on the bedpost) the better off you'll be (and the more fun you'll have, I think). Remember that lifestyle members are rejected by potential playmates for many reasons. Size and physical appearance don't always play roles in acceptance or rejection. Sometimes it just doesn't "click", and this is where things get interesting.

      The X-factor in the attraction equation, I believe, is personality. Self-confidence plays a huge role in attractiveness, especially during the initial meeting. Think back to our first encounter to get an idea of how physical appearance can be overshadowed by a confident, happy, relaxed personality. Being confident—owning your body and feelings—pays great dividends. A confident person tends to be happier and more outgoing—attractive characteristics that helps the individual stand out in a room. Even if someone isn't initially attracted to you like a magnet, he or she may want to stick around to get to know you better—giving you more time to develop that spark of mutual desire.

      Folks, feel free to correct me, rant at me, or tell me I suck if I'm off in these assumptions and observations. I would rather be right than happy!

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    Tiffany & Jason on

    I have to admit that I’ve been waiting to read about a topic like this and thanks for writing about it because it’s my concern. But…..how big is your kind of big and beautiful, I won’t say my weight but I wear a size 24. Would I still be accepted too? Love your blogs keep them comin

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      I believe that everybody can find those that are interested/attracted to them in the lifestyle, because there really is someone for every fetish/style/weight/etc

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      There is nothing eroticr then a BBW who knows she is sexually good. I prefer the fuller sized women and look forward to reading more about U.

  3. Avatar

    For me personally as she stated above, BBW are sexy and “baby or stretch marks” are not an issue and preferred 😀

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