Alright, flagrantly single entendre aside, what was I wrong about without talking about my huge, throbbing…mistake? Well, it wasn't really a mistake, so much as a lack of the appropriate facts. There was information that I wasn't privy to. I was going to make some shockingly narcisitic statements here, invoking great minds in history who simply weren't privy to the information that would've elevated them from luminaries to simply bitchin' guys, but it's late and I can't think of any, and at over 100 words without mentioning our product, I'd say it's time to segue in.
I was perhaps premature declaring System JO's lubes to be the single greatest invention mankind has ever developed, or whatever such nonsense I came up with months ago when I reviewed them. But the fact is that I had simply seen nothing that even came close, and in the months since that review, nothing was living up to the hype either. Not a single product. They smelled funny (perhaps funnier, now that I've spent so much time with JO's H2O, I'm starting to notice….) Or they evaporated way too quickly. Or they simply didn't do what a lube was supposed to be able to do, get me from point A INTO point B without reapplying. Is that so much to ask? Less reapplying.
Oh, and perhaps don't get all over everything because you design a cap that doesn't fucking leak so much.
And then, friends, the skies opened, and a box arrived from across the seas, but it may as well have been from heaven. And in that box were glories that I couldn't even imagine. Like the first touch of silk in a culture that has only known…help me out here, burlap? Bodywise had come to show me the way. To say, in a calm and slightly metrosexual voice, “Let it go, Cooper, we've brought you such bounties. Here, you will feel no stickiness, you will only feel smooth, and soft. Because on the eighth day, God created Liquid Silk, so that his teenage Son would stop chafing.”
(That's some buildup, up there, isn't it?)
Bodywise has sent us two different products for review. Both EXCELLENT examples of what water based lube should be, and both so different that you wouldn't even think they came from the same company, except for the fact that they ROCK HARDER THAN ANY LUBE I'VE YET TRIED. (see what I did there, I left myself open this time for a future amendment to Cooper Beckett's favorite lubes)
First, my favorite, and the one that sits on my desk: Liquid Silk.
Why is this my favorite lube? First is how innocuous it is. Odorless, almost tasteless. These are very important things. When you first put it in your hand, it feels like lotion, and never gets that gummy, sticky, evaporated feelings that most water based lubes get. When it evaporates (which it does, eventually) it's simply gone. And your hands feel better for having had it on them. Other things also feel softer, but I promised not to discuss that anymore.
As a water based lube, this is excellent for those of you with the higher end silicone based toys that the Swingset so heartily recommends. Despite its thin consistency, when you apply it, until you spread it around, it stays put. No goopy sliding tendrils of lube getting all over your blankets (or your Liberator Throe.) It bucks convention by forgoing the standard clear lube route and comes out white. That's right, CUM WHITE.
Ladies, lads, this is your perfect opportunity to safely indulge your creampie fetishes with a little simulation. (Also good for men wanting to pretend they're fucking their ladies after someone else just has, and tapping into some of that reclamation urge.)
Especially if you go ahead and get yourself the larger 8.45 OZ bottle with the soft soap-esque pump head, I can't recommend Liquid Silk highly enough as the PERFECT bottle of lube to sit on your desk, nightstand, car cup holder…anything. It gets a full 10 out of 10 on the mysterious and non specific Swingset grading scale that only comes out occasionally and never uses the same format.
Much of what I said about Liquid Silk is also true of its huskier sibling Maximus. Odorless, almost tasteless, non sticky, soft, stays in place, all still true over here. Maximus has an edge over LS, though, with its consistency. For masturbation, or vaginal penetration, Liquid Silk is certainly where it's at. Slick and thin, goes on and never outstays its welcome. With heavier duty play, though, like anal sex, you want a heavier duty lube, and that's where Maximus really shines.
Almost a gel, when applied, Maximus coats you the way a good engine grease would (Or the way I imagine it would if I knew anything about engine grease…) making anal sex a far smoother prospect from beginning to end. The thicker lube holds well and makes the process slick, but never greasy. Though, I wouldn't use this one for masturbation, as it is simply far too thick.
So, there you have it. Grandiose proclamations about two lubes. I won't call them the best on Earth. But I WILL call them the best yet, and closest to perfection I've seen!
Full Disclosure: We did not purchase this product, it was sent to us specifically for review. Our policy is to, regardless of how we acquired a product, review it fairly and openly. No writer for Life On The Swingset will ever deliberately mislead our readers into believing that a product is good because of anything we received from the company. We are open and honest, and cannot be bought or bribed. If we love a product, we'll tell you, if we don't, BELIEVE us, we'll tell you that too. End disclaimer.