SS 330: Gang Bang the Mailbag 37 – Pet Play, Wallflowers, Canadian Clubs

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Tonight’s Gang Bang the Mailbag is the crew’s 37th, and they’re doing it in force! Cooper S. Beckett, Dylan Thomas, Ginger Bentham, Dirty Lola, Mister Pent, and Dr. Liz Powell get together to answer your questions! You can send them questions to answer by calling 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464) or sending them an email!

Question 1:

I have recently come to the conclusion there is not a God or at least not the way we see god in most major religions and it was freeing. My husband and I started talking about sex and fantasies and I even tried some of the BDSM stuff but the idea of becoming submissive and giving up my free will even for pretend makes me angry and that stuff makes me want to cry and is the complete opposite of a turn on. I know much of it comes from realizing I was told my WHOLE life I had to be submissive to a man and that he was the head of the household an I am sure you have heard this.

My husband really wants to try pet play. I am not judgmental and I keep trying to encourage him to keep looking for someone to act this fantasy out with. He wants me to do it but even watching the videos makes me feel extremely upset especially if they have sound and are barking orders at their pets. I don’t find it disrespectful for him to want to engage in this what I do find disrespectful is for him to expect me to somehow learn to enjoy it.

He seems to think I will come around like I did with other things like anal sex which I was very against until I took god out of my live entirely and realized it was not a sin. After that it was painful and he thought it was emotional then I heard an episode of swingset that helped me realize the initial pain would go away if i could relax but I always have a little pain. Ever since then he seems to think if I just keep doing something I will eventually learn to like it. He even tries to do things like tell me to sit while I am already sitting and feed me a “treat.” I can’t stand it and I have told him so and he just keeps doing it or variations of it. I will put on kitty ears or puppy ears and play dress up but it just seems to drive more of the pushing for more behavior so then I still can’t enjoy myself.

The bottom line is that I would really like him to quit trying to make me like things that I have such negative feelings about participating in.

Is there something wrong with me for not being able to enjoy his fantasies? Am I being ridiculous or selfish? I really don’t know anymore I don’t have that false moral compass to guide me anymore.

Question 2:

My husband and I are new to swinging, and I guess you could call us wallflowers. We went to our first club last weekend and just sort of hung out. We’re both…reasonably attractive…but didn’t get approached at all. I know you always say you should ask for what we want, and it’s on us for not doing that, but any other advice for the wallflowers out there?

We’re considering your desire trip, and are sorta worried we’d do the same thing at that resort.

Question 3:

My wife and I recently decided to explore the lifestyle. Living in Ottawa there is now really only one active club, we also have become members of a private club, which we truly enjoy in the summer months.

We are still new to this, we are moving slowly, we are more about connections. We enjoy the friends that we have made so far, it is nice to get together with like minded individuals, not having to worry about conversation that at times can become very sexual or hot. Your podcasts have been enlightening about nervousness, rules, boundaries, most of all about inclusiveness.

I am a hetroflexible male and my wife has learned that she is pansexual. The hardest thing we find in the area is that the clubs here are not very open to bisexual men, they also try to exclude single men most times. I understand the reasons that I have been given, they have had and continue to have single men that are too aggressive and do not respect the boundaries.

The one club allows single men on Friday nights. The club also has fetish and kink nights periodically to try and be more inclusive, these events are open to everyone. I feel that I try to be sensitive and caring to everyone. I just think it would be awesome to have an area where everyone can go and have a great, safe and open environment.

My vision would be something something like Oasis in Toronto, but open to everyone, or at least open to all couples, with no bias on gender. To me it would be a start. Thank you for sharing your podcasts, they are very informative.

Question 4:

A couple of years ago my husband asked if we could try a threesome. We were having sexual satisfaction issues due to stress he was dealing with at the time which made me feel insecure.

Recently we’ve started hooking up with a couple we know. I’m bi and wanted to play with a woman in addition to some swapping. But when it came down to it, I was playing with her and having a great time. Once my husband started playing with her, my insecurities came up and we had a fight because I felt like we rushed into a more intimate level of playing.

The other problem is, I was not attracted to the other husband. And my husband’s stress issue reared its ugly head when we played again. The other wife and he were playing she was getting upset about my husband’s performance. I wanted to watch and help, which frustrated the other husband.

I really want to be in the lifestyle and I know we really screwed up our approach for the first few times. I feel like a hypocrite about my jealous feelings that come up when I see my husband playing with another woman.

Are we just doomed in the lifestyle? How do you know when to call it quits?

More importantly, how do we approach another couple when I feel like I need so much attention to make sure I feel good?

Question 5:

We’re in Detroit and have a group of swingers we play with regularly.

A little bit back, we went to a party where she played solo with a guy without checking in beforehand. I wasn’t okay with that, and let her know afterwards. She has played solo in a separate space before and let me know beforehand. So I had assumed she knew to go slow. Mistakes can happen!

Last week we went to a kink party. I saw her kissing the aforementioned solo guy a couple times. But while with me, she excused herself to get a drink when he also did and they instead went to fuck without checking in. I felt abandoned, especially as they continued to play all night.

I told her that I felt betrayed and overlooked, as well as ignored when she reacted defensively without acknowledging my feelings.

We talked the next day without particularly resolving anything and I spun into self loathing and over-analying my actions.I still feel she intentionally ignored me that evening. And there was a huge communication gap between her thinking she was doing me a favor leaving me open to play with others, and the lack of check in and connection I wanted. This is a new level of jealousy I haven’t felt before.

Have you ever had this type of situation and how did you handle it?
Could I have dealt with it better at the party?

 

Tristan Taormino’s #AllIn for Desire… are you? Join us from November 3rd through the 10th this 2018 for Life on the Swingset’s seventh trip to Desire! Visit www.ssdesire.com for more information!

 

Help support Life on the Swingset continue to make podcasts, and put on live panels and shows into the future! Throw us a dollar (or a few) each time we release an episode on Patreon! Your support will get you invited to a private chat with other Swingsetters, and give you the opportunity to join live podcast recordings, and listen to episodes commercial free, and with outtakes!

 

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Leave us a comment on this post or at contact@lifeontheswingset.com or leave us a voicemail at 573-55-SWING (573-557-9464).

 

You can now order Cooper’s novel Approaching The Swingularity, his previous novel A Life Less Monogamous, or his memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory as an ebook, paperback, or audiobook. Use promo code SWINGSET at coopersbeckett.com to save 10%.

 

Dylan Thomas is available for for podcast consultation and production work. If you’re interested, visit www.dylanthethomas.com.

 

Do you have a sex positive project? Would you be interested in a grant? Visiting the Effing Foundation at effing.org/grants!

 

 

Check out the Sex Down South conference, hosted at the Hilton Atlanta from September 6th through the 8th, 2018! Located in Atlanta, GA, the Sex Down South Conference provides sexuality workshops taught by educated and amazing presenters from around the world.  Enthusiasts join in the fun and learn from the best – all while doing it in an inclusive and loving environment. Visit sexdownsouth.com for ticket information!

 

Our 2017 THEME comes courtesy of Vlad Lucan and his track: Reverse!

 

Our Desire 2018 Advertisement includes music by ローマンRoman titled: Bikini, off the Paradise album. Our cold open in includes the track  パラダイス PARADISE , our Swingtowns Advertisement includes the track さようなら GOOD BYE, and the Effing Foundation Advertisement includes the track シドニーSYDNEY.

The Sex Down South Advertisement includes music by ローマンRoman titled: Internet Archive – O N L I N E off the THAT’S WHAT I CALL VAPORWAVE album.

These tracks are licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 Unported (CC BY 3.0) license.

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Life on the Swingset

A podcast about swinging, polyamory, open relationships, and "the lifestyle" from the trenches. A diverse group tackles many issues involved with non-monogamy and what it means to be a swinger or polyamorous from the point of view of educating and illuminating what, for many, is a confusing journey to start on. Subscribe on iTunes Subscribe on Stitcher Subscribe via RSS

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