After a hiatus, I've been contemplating my return to the Lifestyle with a partner. Has the reluctant unicorn finally found a stallion with whom to gallop through the fields? Maybe. But like all things, this situation is a little complicated.
A few months ago, I met a guy online, on a (vanilla) dating site. He was handsome, charming, smart and funny (and tall, which being 5'10, is rather important). We began chatting a bit, and I felt good about how things were going. He asked for my Instagram name, which I gave him, and his next question was, “So, how often do you have sex with women?” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. How did he glean that so quickly?! I knew my Instagram had little hints here and there about my affinity for pretty girls (lots of bikini and club pics of me and my girlfriends hugged up together), but I really didn't think that it painted that clear of a picture.
I was not planning on discussing my bisexuality with him at that juncture- actually I had no plans to discuss it at all with him. Unfortunately, once you mention bisexuality to most guys, their eyes light up like they've hit the jackpot at a casino. Visions of threesomes and double blow jobs automatically start dancing through their heads like a kid at Christmastime dreaming of the newest Playstation. And while I certainly can enjoy a fun threesome from time to time, I'm at heart a 1-1 kind of gal. One of my good bi girlfriends described her bisexuality this way: I like pie. I like ice cream. I only like pie à la mode on special occasions. That pretty much fits me too. Girl- check! Guy- check! Threesomes- maybe. I've found that threesomes are often fraught with so many issues that I really didn't want to lead into a new dating situation with that on the docket. In addition, many men equate bisexuality with promiscuity, and that certainly doesn't fit me. I'm an overthinker, admittedly, and that applies to sex too- so anyone I'm with, it is a conscious and thought out decision, not random in either deed or person. I'm super open minded, but I'm also super cautious. Bottom line, I didn't want to be put into the “slutty/only good for booty calls/hookups” category with this guy.
I tried to sidestep the question. He was unrelenting, but I decided the “neither confirm nor deny” approach was best, and changed the subject. We moved on, but in short order, he turned the conversation back to the sexual. Sigh. Here we go. I told him that he was pushing the envelope with me, and he apologized, but continued to probe and push every so often. I was torn. I liked it (and him), on the one hand- it was titillating, but on the other hand, it was uncomfortable. I didn't really want to enter into a new situation with the sexual at the forefront, even though I was lonely and horny, having tabled both my LS activities as a unicorn and my “vanilla” sex for awhile.
I quickly found out why he was pushing in that direction. We didn't meet in person for a few weeks due to scheduling conflicts- he works a completely different schedule from mine, but we finally worked out a time to meet for drinks. At that point, I really didn't think that things would go anywhere, I was on the edge of annoyance about him and almost ready to throw in the towel altogether, but wanted to at least meet so I could have confirmation that things weren't going to go any further. Well, you know what they say about the best laid plans. I remember thinking, “dammit..this guy is sexy!” when I saw him, and I was irritated with myself for being attracted to him. He was just as charming and intelligent in person, and just as much of an envelope pusher, although in a different manner from his texts. Things started off just fine, but then he asked me about my bisexuality more, and showed me a picture of a woman and asked what I thought of her. I got a bad feeling about that. (she was pretty, btw, but that's neither here nor there.)
Of course, my intuition was correct. The picture he showed me was of a woman he was (is) dating, and he was angling for a third party for their situation. After my less than fantastic experiences as a unicorn (see my article, “The Reluctant Unicorn“), I was really not looking to jump back into that scenario, and said as much to him. Surprisingly, he still wanted to date me, even without that as an option, so we decided to proceed with each other, with the understanding that he already had a “situation-ship,” and without too many expectations of how things would progress between us other than exploration. I was hesitant.
For our next “date,” he met me and some LS friends out at a nightclub. Why I agreed to that, I have no idea. I was already going to be out that evening, he asked if he could meet us, and against my better judgment I said okay. Although my friends promised to be on their “best behavior,” their best behavior still was not quite an evening out with a vanilla group (there was a lot of sexy dancing between the girls, the guys were a little flirty and hands-y with the ladies, and I think there may have even been a little kissing here and there- typical night out with LS friends). I tried to pretend like it was no big deal, but I was acutely aware of what was going on and wondered what he thought of it all. This was not helping my case with trying to downplay my bisexuality, either. He and I danced and chatted a bit at the nightclub, but the vibe between us was hard to read. At points, it was very hot, and at others, awkward or even cool. I knew that I didn't want to go home with him that night, but I wanted to at least kiss and make out a bit. Didn't happen. After awhile, I was just tired and over the scene and ready to go. He surprisingly gave me a very chaste kiss and sent me on my way. Hmm..
The next day, I fully braced myself for a conversation about the night. All he said was, “your friends are kind of crazy, huh?” I sheepishly agreed. He said, “yeah, I kind of got a swinger vibe from them.” I just said, “Oh, really? Yeah, they'd had a lot to drink.” Thankfully, he dropped the subject. We continued to chat, text, and date, but I still felt a bit guarded, and he confided that he was having a hard time reading me. On the one hand, I seemed very shy, reserved, and conservative, but that didn't match what he'd seen and some of the discussions we'd had. That was a pretty accurate assessment. I do tend to be very shy at first, I'm naturally more of an introvert, until I feel comfortable with someone and can really open up to them. And I still felt very awkward about him knowing that I was bi, and at least having some inkling about my lifestyle friends.
After hookah, drinks, and appetizers one day, he invited me back to his house. I agreed, and we had another drink. He offered me a massage. While I knew that it was a bit of a ploy to see me naked, I decided to proceed, curious about how things would go. He gave me an absolutely AMAZING massage, as if he were a professional. I was pleasantly surprised; I thought that he was going to go straight for the groping, but he really took his time with me. Afterward, we kissed and made out, and he was a fantastic kisser. I let him touch me a bit more, suck my breasts, and while I was very turned on, I didn't let things go too far that night, and he didn't push. However, I knew that next time I saw him, I'd let things go as far as he wanted (within reason, of course).
To be continued….