First Impressions – A Spouse’s Approval in Polyamory


When introducing a new romantic interest to our friends and loved ones, we all want this person to be well received and well liked. We want our family and friends to find them attractive, interesting, funny, and basically dig them like we do. We polyamorists are much the same, but we have a much more critical judge – our primary partner.

I have personally found it interesting in whom my wife finds attraction. My first instinct (which was short sighted) is that she would be attracted to other men that were very similar to me. I now see how foolish that is. As it turns out Ally is attracted to several different types of men. The fact is we as individual human creatures are attracted to another for many different reasons. The attraction can be physical or mental . . . or pheromonal, it simply does not matter. If the attraction is there, great! Now that we have established the fact that this other person makes you tingle in all the right places, now I would like to discuss the all important “thumbs-up”.
Often times we meet potential new partners with our spouses. Personally, Ally and I very rarely have sex with someone when we first meet them, swinger parties being a huge exception. After the meeting, Ally and I have plenty of time to discuss our impressions and thoughts on these people privately and come to a decision as to whether or not we want to pursue them further. It is when I meet someone new, without my spouse at my side that this has become an issue of concern for me.
Oh! While I am on this subject, Ally is the perfect wingman. Without her, I am still fairly shy and introverted. I am more likely to stare at my beer carefully considering the specific hops and barley used to brew it, than to make my way around a room smiling shaking hands, and engaging strange, exotic, and beautiful women in light-hearted conversation that somehow leads to a discussion about non-monogamy, swinging, and polyamory. Despite my sexual liberation years ago. . . still the awkward kid. *shrugs* Back to Ally, with her by my side I have an unlimited supply of confidence. There is someone powerful about have a gorgeous and independent woman by your side. Also, having my wife with me makes talking to women a lot less creepy. “Oh, you are married . . . and your wife is -cool- with this . . . Yeah right!” Additionally, Ally and I have almost the exact same taste in women. Normally, she will have been making eyes at them and biting her lip before I even realized that lil Miss Hawtness entered the room. I am so lucky.
When I meet someone and I think they are cool, happening, and like-minded . . . I usually end up gushing to Ally about how awesome this person is. How hot they are. How bright and funny. And how much I dig them. Then, we all three meet . . . cause I personally would not become involved with another person that did not have at least some kind of a relationship with Ally. Respect. After this meeting I am so excited and say things like “She is awesome, huh?” and the last thing I want or expect to hear is “Not so much.” *gasp* Uh-oh! That is not good. You see dear reader, if Ally does not approve of one of my potential partners . . . it is very difficult for me to move forward. I value her opinion more than my own (cause she is a goddess that I have somehow tricked into hanging out and getting naked with me).
This is a rare occurrence, but one I felt was worth writing about. It is important to note that even if the first impression was less than spectacular, this person can still grow on your spouse. Conversely, the first impression could go smashingly well, and as the relationship progresses your partner could fall out of your spouses' good graces. These are all aspects of poly relationships that should be explored and discussed through open and honest communication with your spouse. Remember, communication is the key to making any relationship work. When your relationship is plural . . . this becomes paramount.

Jack is a thirty-something year old business professional from middle America. Jack spends his time balancing work, his beautiful wife Ally, three kids, his two girlfriends, Ally's girlfriend, and Ally's boyfriend. Life is grand.

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