The Difference Between Polyamory and Monogamy


PolyamoryI got a question over the weekend from someone on OKCupid…and I thought I’d share it and the answer here. It’s a good one I will admit!

“How big is the difference in a polyamorous relationship as opposed to a mono relationship?”

I love this question. I have to admit that no one has ever asked me the difference between Poly and Mono relationships. Everyone likes to just assume they know the difference, but you don’t unless you have been in both kinds of relationships and realize that neither is the right answer. It is a matter of what works for you and feels right. And you’re going to get different answers from different people, just as you get different definitions about what Polyamory should be from each person.

To me there isn’t much of a difference when it comes to the core ways to be in the relationships. Both require communication, honesty and trust. There is, however, a big enough difference between the two to make a difference in my happiness and what feels right to me.

I have found that people who have been in or are in Poly relationships tend to understand the balance of relationships more. They tend to understand how important communication is and that jealousy is not something that is considered a positive thing. I know that when I started my journey in the Poly world I quickly understood these things more. This is not to say that people in Mono relationships don’t know or see this, I’m just saying this was one of the big general things I saw as a consistent thing.

The only real difference I see in the two relationships is the idea, belief and freedom that you can love more than one person at a time and be with them without it being cheating, there being any guilt or it being wrong. I will tell you jealousy tends to be a much bigger issue here, but when you have been in the lifestyle long enough and realize that you are not being replaced, and that you realize that jealousy does NOT mean you care more about that person…then you have a much more balanced and stable relationship.

It’s odd, sometimes I can see big differences in Mono relationships and sometimes I see very little differences. I guess it depends on how each person functions in their own way really. But as I said, the big differences are the belief structure of how they define their commitments and their needs with one another. It’s a difference in beliefs really…and that’s why I think some people fight so hard against and are offended by Poly people…because it threatens their core belief system.

This post originally appeared at Poly For You


I'm a poly, kinky, bisexual, Ethical Slut that rides the swinger line. I am a huge advocate for being who you are openly with no apologies. I am just trying to help the world understand like minded people like myself one word at a time. Check out my blog at Or follow me on Twitter @polyforyou

Leave A Reply