We here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask! Below is an excerpt from an email we received from a swinger who is feeling the hurt and disappointment of a date that didn't go according to expectations.
“We are a newly dating couple of a few months. We moved into a place together on Friday. She is Chinese. I am Aussie. That night we had a couple, both Chinese come over, who my girlfriend had spoken to on the net. We met them and they were nice. She had talked a lot to the other woman about giving me the whole female, female, male threesome experience, to have the girls kissing together with me to do everything together with me.
As soon as things started I had taken the other woman and her husband took my girlfriend and we started. The other woman sucked my cock and her husband fucked my girlfriend straight away and moved his wife into position so she could lick my girlfriend's pussy. This kinda left me out a bit and I was standing there not knowing what to do and not for the last time. My girlfriend looked at me and said put on a condom and fuck the other woman but I went soft. I felt bad and sat back but the girls were all over each other and her husband giving him the total threesome experience. This went on all night. The women had said they would do everything with me but they just did nothing. At one stage when everyone had finished, I said to my girlfriend, “Can you please fuck me. No one has fucked me all night. You have not even come near me and done anything. This is not fair. Why do I have to miss out?” She got me hard, rode my cock came in a few minutes and said she was done.
I am devastated. We have argued and cried all day. Please help me.
A: Wow, J, that is a difficult situation. In cases where there are distinct expectations and they are not met, disappointment and hurt feelings will result. But in your case, I would take it back even a step further and recommend that you and your partner stop any activity with anyone else beyond your partnership until you have created a firm foundation for your own relationship.
You state that you and you partner have only been together for a couple of months. If you wish to engage in ethical non-monogamy and include other people in your sexual lives, you must first establish strong clear communication patterns between the two of you. For some people who can take a few weeks, for others months and even others years. You and your partner need to give each other the gift of a clean slate, put this experience and all swinging behind you until that firm foundation for your relationship is in place. That happens through focused attention toward one another and clear, honest communication.
The opportunity to swing will always be available. There should be no rush.
Now is the time for you to each put this behind you and turn your complete attention to one another for as long as it takes. All the best to you as you do that.
The funny thing is, after reading the first sentence of the problem — “We are a newly dating couple of a few months.” — I immediately said to Dawn (to whom I was reading this), “Red flag.” Although there is always the possibility of having an open relationship right from the get-go, it seems far more common for successful open relationships to have been established for years before they open up. From the way J phrases his problem, it seems very likely that he has stumbled into a relationship with an already experienced poly (or otherwise open) woman and has viewed it as a way to live out his group sex fantasies rather than as a lifestyle choice. I’m not sure J completely understands what he is getting into with his new girlfriend.
Of course, it doesn’t help that she has basically lured him into these situations by telling him she’ll fulfill his fantasies. From the results J mentioned, it seems a clear case of bait-and-switch on her part. Once she has the situation she wants, she has no qualms about ignoring him. At best she is ignorant and uncaring; at worst she is manipulative and deceitful. J should take a good long look at the person she is before committing to the relationship. If he cannot resolve the communication issues with her, she will continue to use his desires to instigate situations that she benefits from but he does not.Another potential problem in this instance is J’s boundary issues. He had expectations, but was not comfortable enough to assert himself while things were going on. It’s almost as if he was afraid to say something for fear he would earn the ire of everyone else in the room — or perhaps end the budding relationship with his new girlfriend. He should be confident enough in his relationship to be able to pull the emergency brake when things get out of control. It would also help if the two of them established some ground rules about expectations and promises.One thing I also notices is that he mentions the race of everyone involved. Maybe it’s just the wine talking (hello, syrah), but I don’t think people talk about race unless it’s important to the issue at hand. Perhaps this is his way of emphasizing feeling left out even before the sex started. Perhaps it’s a racial subtext in his thoughts coming to the surface. I have no idea what the real story is, only that it seems like a strange thing to mention.
Just my two cents.
Ginger hit it right on- No foundation for the relationship. Brian also hit it right on saying his Girlfriend failed him and he failed himself with the expectations and inability to make his own needs and desires known and halt the situation when his girlfriend ignored them. The male is this situation ironically expected what the other male got, ”
She had talked a lot to the other woman about giving me the whole female, female, male threesome experience”
when they were going into the experience as a couple. So he sort of expected the other male to watch it appears and got burned by it himself.
No matter what- this LS is not going to work if they do not have that solid foundation of love and communication. Your partners come first!