I felt disgusting. I had spent the last forty minutes being ground to a fine powder between a hairy Armenian man and his wife. No one had come into the room to give me a polite exit. I had no idea where my date was and every moment I was closer to running screaming from the room.
I’m sure these were very nice Armenians. They probably paid taxes, saved pennies, donated to NPR, volunteered to walk ASPCA dogs, watered their neighbors’ plants when they were away and raised their children to be kind, responsible adults. I have no reason to think they didn’t.
But I did know for sure that his kissing technique involved swiping his tongue from one set of my molars to the other. I knew that her perfume made me queasy. That neither of them seemed to have the slightest idea where my clit was. And as they apparently had no plans to stop any time soon, I knew I had no idea how to politely extract myself from this situation.
Because for all our constant affirmations that a happy lifestyle is based on open and honest communication, swinging is still a social activity. As such, even in the most unpleasant situations, there is a basic level of courtesy to be upheld—at least if you want to be invited back to another party.
For example, while these could be completely honest statements…
“Ugh! Pop a tic-tac, honey.”
“Could you please go shower the smell of rotting goat cheese from your body first?”
“Do I look desperate to you?”
“I guess you really do get what you pay for. Was it a twofer day for boob jobs?”
“Are you kidding? I don’t fuck people who are… (short, fat, hairy, poor, old, drunk, black, white, stupid, ugly, pathetic, etc…)”
…they probably aren’t wise ones to utter aloud.
I admit that I am one of the least tactful people on the planet, though not because I want to be rude or hurt others’ feelings. I just have trouble making up lies on the fly (It’s a big part of the reason I try to always tell the truth—I’m simply a bad liar in the moment). To counteract this I decided to make up my lies beforehand with the help of a few other gal pals. I now pass these lies on to you. Sure, none of these fall into the line of open, honest communication, but as the late, great George Carlin said, “Bullshit is the glue that binds our society.”
So in no particular order:
“Wow, I’m really thirsty. I’m going to run and get some water.”
“It’s really hot in here. I’m going to see if they can turn up the AC.”
“Ow! Leg cramp!”
“No thanks, I’m taking a break right now.”
“What time is it? I need to go check on my partner(s). I promised not to leave him/her/them alone for so long.”
“You should so meet my friends.”
And if you should find you are unable to extract yourself before that sticky, yucky feeling sets in, a hot shower and a good cuddle with a friend goes a long way to erasing bad memories.