Flying Solo – Do Fuck Buddies and Solo Play-Dates Work?

7

polyamory and jealousyWe met couple “Mr. and Mrs. Hardcore” at a swanky, upscale bar after dinner. Over cucumber mojitos and gourmet lemon drops drinks,we got to know each other. Within five minutes of talking we learned that both Mr. and Ms. Hardcore had what they called “fuck buddies.” The deal they had was that each could go off and have sex with their fuck buddy separate from their partner. The one rule is “no drama.” It’s only about sex. If any emotional ties develop then they end the relationship.

Selection of fuck buddies is difficult, they explained. They need to find people with full lives themselves so that they aren’t harassed or hassled by these people. They don’t want their fuck buddies making a “booty call” at 2 in the morning for example, or texting at all hours. Age is an issue as well. If they are too young, they are immature, flighty, and emotionally unstable.

Mrs. Hardcore had a clear explanation for why she wanted a fuck buddy. And in its own way it made sense to me. She is interested in domination. She does not want to be submissive to her husband. It doesn’t work, she just gets mad at him and he also does not want to hurt her. He won’t smack her hard enough, for example. She also likes to dominate others—and not her husband. And she finds that another guy usually doesn’t want Mr. T in the room when Ms. S is making him whimper. So she needs to do her S and M in a space separate from Mr. Hardcore. I didn’t get the whole story but I get the impression that it needs to be quid pro quo. So if his wife has her S and M needs, he’ll take the opportunity to go and fuck a beautiful woman for variety. And Ms. Hardcore is pleased with his conquests.

Mr. Doubleplay and I are not interested in this type of arrangement. I don't want to write “ever” as I’m learning that our preferences and interest change in the Lifestyle. So I will never say “never” any more. But for us the lifestyle is about experiencing wild, crazy fun TOGETHER. The closest we ever came to anything separate was once when I was on a business trip in Atlanta. I ran into a lifestyle couple from back home. Needless to say we were ALL surprised. And it was much fun calling Mr. Doubleplay and having him try to guess who I was flirting with so far away on a business trip. We debated setting up a webcam so that he could watch our fun. But instead we made plans to all meet up a few months later back home.

I wonder how often the separate “fuck buddy” plan leads to instability or divorce in marriages. Or if actually the “fuck buddy” plan keep marriages together that might otherwise divorce. Is it analagous to “polyamorous” or is it different? To me, it seems like it would require an enormous amount of communication and trust. Mr. Doubleplay and I have a very strong relationship. But I wouldn’t even want to risk the possible instability that separate fuck buddies could cause.

I suppose others would think, though, that any kind of swinging could lead to jealousy. We have never felt that. It’s a team effort. We enter any experience as a partnership. Anything that happens to us occurs when we are within arm’s reach of one another. And all based on mutual agreement and communication.

In our experiences, the separate fuck buddies or fucking in separate rooms is rare. Or perhaps this type of swinger has different social circles within the parties we attend or sets up other types of arrangements for setting up their plans.

Perhaps we’ll never know?

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Mrs. Doubleplay is 40-something mom living in the middle of America with kids, a career, and pretty house in the suburbs. She’s active in her local church, coaches the kids’ soccer games, and happens to have a secret life as a swinger. Married to her high school sweetheart, Mr. Doubleplay, the couple dipped their toes in the lifestyle for a couple of years but then dropped off the radar to have kids. They rejoined the lifestyle in 2005 and haven’t looked back. They have been soft swap from the start but are working their way toward greater forms of adventure as we meet hot couples on lifestyle vacations, swinger clubs, and online websites.

7 Comments

  1. Avatar

    As a single I have been a fuck buddy, but usually in situations were I was friends with both halves of the couple. Usually the fucking happens with the guy and the lady may just not be into girls or in one case, had some medical issues that prevented her from enjoying sex very much. But in this situation it can be easy to be sucked into more than you bargined for emotionally or otherwise. I always try to maintain tha attitude that I am a guest in their relationship- I deserve respect and honesty, but I will never be as important the partner, and that's okay.

  2. Avatar

    Here’s a topic I feel really strongly about. Friends with benefits and playing alone comes in handy for my wife and, but its not just about convenience. I love my wife but after 9 years together we find ourselves missing the need to pursue each other. Pursuing fwbs helps my “hunters instinct” and her fuck buddies make me work harder because competition is introduced. We have friends with benefits, but we are strict about our list and we hold veto power to keep the comfort level tolerable. In short, yes these arrangements work, but like anything it has to be handled with rules that work for you and your partner.

  3. Avatar

    Ms Swap Fu and I discussed our opinions on this topic in our latest podcast. It is such a huge issue. We didn't even touch on Jubal's rationale regarding "hunter instincts". I guess we feel that we can still hone our hunter instincts as a couple? However, pursuing as a single certainly changes the dynamic.

    Our main point about this issue was to ask yourselves why you are playing as a single. What are you getting out of it that more conventional swinging is not providing and is it worth the risk. Again, it can be done, but do not think that it can be done without adding risk to the relationship.

  4. Avatar

    Marilyn and I both have our fuckbuddies, as well as playmates where we can see one half of the couple when others are busy. Giving each other the freedom to also explore on our own has been very good for us, but understandably not for everybody.

    Many people in this lifestyle will try to convince you that the ONLY reason they're doing this is to share this amazing experience together. I postulate that deep down, almost every one of us wonders about that time out on our own, to explore, to experience the forbidden fruit of that hotel room or lunch time tryst (all carefully co-ordinated with our sig other of course) that swinging as a couple just doesn't allow for.

    And while I acknowledge fully that there are swingers who almost never want to do this, just as there are vanillas who ALMOST never want to explore beyond the boundaries of monogamy…it's the almost that tells the real tale.

  5. Avatar
    MrsDoubleplay on

    “Time to explore on our own”–Not for us. Or at least not yet in terms of the time on our own to explore. Our interest change and evolve over time the the lifestyle, but as some future blog posts will show, going it on our own doesn’t work for us. At least for now we play as Team Doubleplay.

  6. Avatar
    MrsDoubleplay on

    I think we are in a similar place, swapfu. For us, it is about deepening our relationship as a couple, at least for now. Stay tuned for a future blog on this very issue!

  7. Avatar
    MrsDoubleplay on

    I think we are in a similar place, swapfu. For us, it is about deepening our relationship as a couple, at least for now. Stay tuned for a future blog on this very issue!

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