In writing our latest blog post, Ginger and the Professor – Revealed, we disclosed that one of the central discoveries in our path to the Swingset was the realization that we would never be able to satisfy all the sexual needs of each other. Our sex life has long been erotic, athletic, and multi-orgasmic. Ginger, like the Kelly Preston character in Jerry Maguire, often exclaims “Don’t ever stop fucking me!” She is to the orgasm as Chicagoans are to voting–early and often. And I have always been happy to oblige.
Yet, there are some needs Ginger has that I just can’t meet. I’m ok with that. No, actually more than ok with that. All of us in different open relationships, whether swinger, poly, or in some custom-built arrangement, share a comfort level in having another human being provide for our partners. In purely sexual terms, there are certain types of orgasms that Ginger can’t have with me. Before opening our relationship, was she happy with the orgasms she was having? Absolutely. Yet, to deny her the pleasures of a skilled woman’s tongue or having her mouth and pussy simultaneously fucked by hard cocks? A travesty!
We have actually become quite accustomed in our society to depending on others–in almost every every way other than sex, that is. I know when I was growing up that I was taught that part of the responsibility of having a car was to be able to maintain it myself. So I learned all about engine maintenance and repair. I still remember how it felt the first time I had someone else change my oil. It was like I was cheating. I felt guilty and shameful. I got over it.
Not that opening your relationship is as trivial as getting your oil changed. Yet, it exemplifies how cultural messages define our conception of responsibility, whether explicit teachings or implicit morés. To go deeper, consider how much we depend on others now for basic needs. I’m talking food and shelter. We depend on others for our food supply and for building our shelter. Pretty important stuff. How difficult do you think it was for the subsistence farmer to accept that his wife would be happier eating more than he himself could grow? Is getting past the monogamous filter for sex that much different? Does the cardiac surgeon have difficulty entrusting another physician to do her husband’s vasectomy? Of course not. And trust me, there’s much more potential for damage to his junk from that procedure than there is when sticking it in another woman’s mouth.
In every aspect of a modern life, we’ve become interconnected and interdependent with others. Every aspect except sex, that is. Most still expect themselves to be everything for their partners in the bedroom.
“If my husband masturbates to porn, is there something wrong with me?”
“If my wife uses a dildo, will she need me?”
And with all of those expectations comes pressure. And feeling insufficient, which may just be the root of all jealousy. It’s all internal dialogue. It’s all in your head. The problem: you’re set up for failure when you head down that road.
Getting outside of this mindgame is as simple as having conversation. For us, this wasn’t the serious kitchen table how-do-we-fix-our-relationship discussion. For us, it was harmless fantasy play. I say harmless because we have a simple rule: talking about fantasy and having sex during fantasy talk is without judgment. We wouldn’t hold whatever we were inspired to share in a moment of passion against each other. We discussed boundaries, especially in talking about what worked for us during our post-orgasmic bliss. We held the promise of considering each others’ fantasies as something to fulfill a desire, not something that was lacking or deficient in ourselves.
The first time I told Ginger “I want to see you fuck someone else” was during a fantasy session. I honestly didn’t know if that’s what I wanted or not at the time. But after a couple of times observing how hard my cock would get and how wet Ginger’s pussy got…well, let’s say the answer was right there. Our bodies told us it was the right thing for us. Our minds eventually followed. As we opened up, we’ve come to learn that wanting all our your partners needs met is the root of compersion, or as some would say, the opposite of jealousy.
Nothing was broken in our relationship. We didn’t need to fix it. But we are thankful to have taken the steps we have and learned about ourselves along the way.