But We Scheduled This Months Ago: When Pre-Planning Meets Reality

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We all have the ideal visual in our heads of what it’s going to be like in a sexy situation. We often picture the mood, the lighting, the location, the outfits, and the dirty dirty things we want to do to each other. In these fantasies, although we don’t tend to consciously think about it, everyone is usually healthy, energetic, and happy.

In real life, that’s simply not always the case. Sometimes the glitches and complications are severe enough that we need to cancel plans and reschedule. But sometimes, in the case of special occasions–or even more so, travel–it’s not easy or possible to grab a do-over at a later date. The more people involved, the trickier it gets.

Bodies are temperamental and as much as we spend time planning and scheduling, viruses, periods, migraines, injuries, and mood disorders can show up/flare up at very inconvenient times. My husband Flick’s 42nd Birthday party threesome involved a cameo by both a cold virus and unexpected menstruation. Although it gave me my first opportunity to perform oral with a dental dam, and to this day we joke about Bex coughing directly into Flick’s open mouth, it wasn’t how we’d planned it going.

I’ve been quite sick with foodborne illnesses for other group sex adventures but powered through by moving as little as possible and making sure people knew my bits were off limits. My experience as a performer means that I can get through a couple of hours of almost anything while in ‘Show must go on!’ mode, especially if I’m also in service mode.

There’s a lot of pressure to do the varsity level sexing in these situations. You’ve all gotten together after much planning and discussions of fantasies you all want fulfilled but when you get to the moment, people aren’t always up for it and it’s important to know that it’s okay to opt-out. Or simplify. Or cuddle.

I’m getting better at being willing to admit that I can’t always be in full sex kitten mode but still have a ways to go. When a sexyfriend came over a few months ago for a date, I wasn’t up for much. I knew he was really flexible and understanding, and I knew we’d have other opportunities, so I was able to suggest jacking off together. We made out and touched and got ourselves off and it was really hot and exactly what I needed.

It adds an increased level of pressure when you travel long distances to see sexyfriends/loved ones or have them visit you. You might not have other opportunities for months or years, so the now-or-never feeling can be huge. I’ve had some spectacular sex when it’s felt like everything was falling apart around us, but it would have been much better to have said spectacular sex without that pain.

While Will and Elle visited recently, we scheduled some time for Flick and Iris to tour Elle around the city while Will and I had some solo time. Unfortunately, I’d woken up with a bout of benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV) that sent my world spinning every time I turned my head or changed position. It had been six months since Will and I had had time together so I was not letting a little thing like a banjaxed vestibulocochlear system get in my way.

We had fun sexytimes but it was less than ideal. One gets jostled around a lot during sex and I was having a hard time even lying flat on the bed since everything kept spinning. At one point, I was lying on my stomach, him on top of me, and as I turned my head a little, my arms flung out to the side to hold on, clutching the sheets for all I’m worth to try to avoid falling off the world. Outweighing me by about 100 lbs, he chuckled and rumbled in his delicious baritone, “I don’t think you’re going anywhere.”

I can laugh about it. The memory is a good one and will probably become a favourite, but the situation was frustrating and not what I’d been anticipating for months. Instead of savouring those precious few hours we got to have alone together, there was an element of enduring a bad situation because it was our only opportunity for months to come.

I’ve gotten used to expecting less from these situations as one never knows how they’re going to turn out. Migraines, food poisoning, anxiety, heartbreak, bronchitis, and now vertigo: I’ve fucked through them all. And although the less-than-ideal moments make for great stories, here’s hoping for simpler–and healthier–times ahead.

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About Author

Kat is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and she almost can’t imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but she considers herself non-monogamous and polyamorous, though she occasionally swings. She’s also a podcaster – On The Wet Coast Podast – and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett’s novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. onthewetcoast.com @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Her first book – Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut – is available on Amazon.com, Amazon.ca, Inkterra, and Kobo.

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