Getting to Open: A Non-Monogamy Origin Story – Part 2


Getting to Open: A Non-Monogamy Origin Story - Part 2Read Part 1 here.

Once we decided to go looking for a threesome in earnest, we had to figure out where to start. Neither of us had ever used any online dating site (we hooked up before that was really a common thing) and we’d heard single friends complain about creepers (their word) messaging them to ask for threesomes. We didn’t want to be those people.

So I did the other thing single women complain about. After a generous application of beer and whiskey to my nerves, I asked one of our friends I knew was openly bisexual if she’d like to join us (Flick and I think you’re really cute and wondered if you’d like to have a threesome with us) and she said yes.

Really? Awesome!

We had to do a bit of planning around complicated schedules and decided to get a hotel room since Flick and I share a double (aka full) bed and it barely fits two people (plus cats), let alone three (sans cats). We figured out a date, then I went the traditional threesome route and sent her an evite.

Yep. An evite. I’m totally not kidding.





I am THAT much of a dork. It was surprisingly tough to find the right template. Clearly threesome invite is an untapped niche market (untapped niche–heh!).

Many nerves were involved when the night finally rolled around and I knocked over my drink in the restaurant (a common theme for me – see Den of Pleasure and also, a few paragraphs down in this post). When the three of us got back to the hotel room, there was a lot of awkward, “So…” until Flick took the reins and asked to kiss her and we went from there.

It was…weird. I mean, it was good and hot and I loved–LOVED–seeing her and Flick together, but she kissed weird, and she didn’t touch me the way I like, and she touched me in a few ways I don’t like, and I had to clue in that sex with new people was going to involve a lot of figuring each other out.

Being so nervous had me in my head too much and every time we took a break from the sexing, all I could think about was how I didn’t want to be there. Would it be rude to read my book? Thankfully, Flick is better at people than I am and kept the conversation going. When we’d get physical again, I was into it, but then we’d come up for air, I’d think, “Why did we plan for a sleepover? I want to go home and watch Netflix.”

By morning, I was a bit of a wreck, and after we ate breakfast–hey, room service guy!–I couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of there. I was basically having a low-grade anxiety attack related to having to be ‘on’ for so long. We’ve since had several progressively more awesome threesomes with that friend in our new queen-size bed. Fewer nerves, getting to know how each other’s bodies work, and my ability to go be by myself after have made the world of difference.

After threesomes, we decided to try swinging. We found a couple on and set up a date. They seemed really cool, had no expectations, and were fine with us being newbies. We went back to their place after our meet-up drinks in a nearby restaurant (yes, I knocked my drink over, all over her), played a sexy strip/dare card game, and started playing in earnest.

At one point, I was on the bed in a sea of naked skin and couldn’t believe what an awesome place that was to be. I found it a bit hard to concentrate on any person or sensation, though, since there was so much happening at once. But it was a great first experience and we felt lucky to have found such a wonderful, sexy couple for our first time, and we’ve played with them several times since.

Our second swing experience was similar: fun, sexy people, and I had the amazing experience of not knowing whose hand was pleasuring me at one point. I got spit-roasted for the first time and discovered that it is one of my favourite things. Again, the experience was really great, but a bit too much divided attention for an anxious person. I couldn’t relax into it fully because I constantly felt like I should be doing something to someone anytime I had a free hand or orifice.

Maybe swinging wasn’t our thing…

So we decided to start dating solo. We set up OkCupid profiles and because I’m a woman, the offers started rolling in, regardless of my marital status. Flick, on the other hand, as a married man, didn’t have the same luck, even though we made it clear it was above board and linked his profile to mine. What he did have was a long-term friend in an open relationship (Hot Mama) with whom he’d been having the, ‘It would be too weird, wouldn’t it? Yeah. Would it? Maybe we should try!” conversation. They were able to segue into an awesome FWB relationship.

So here we are in what feels like the most natural variation of open for us. I’ve developed some great FWBs with guys I’ve met online (turns out, I’m a cougar!). Flick has maintained his relationship with Hot Mama and occasionally sees our other unicorn solo. We have some threesomes and will occasionally swing with another couple if the connection is right.

It’s hard to know what to call it–Poly-lite?–and I’m sure it doesn’t matter. The friendship and connection is an essential part for us. Will we ever have completely casual sex? Maybe (we ARE going to Desire in November). Will we ever fall in love? Maybe. It’s something we’ll deal with if/when we get there. For now, this is our kind of open adventure.


Kat (she/they) is a sex-positive, geeky, Canadian, pansexual, deviant, slutty, feminist pervert who came to ethical non-monogamy 21-years into her relationship with her husband. After a quick toe-dip to test the waters (and hours of obsessive reading and podcast consumption), they dove in and they almost can't imagine they ever lived any other way. Labels never give a totally clear picture, but they consider themselves non-monogamous and polyamorous, though they occasionally swing. She's also a podcaster - On The Wet Coast Podast - and audiobook narrator for Cooper S Beckett's novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching the Swingularity. @WetcoastKat on Twitter. Their first book - Yelling In Pasties: The Wet Coast Confessions of an Anxious Slut - is available on,, Inkterra, and Kobo.

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