This is hard. I've had some good times with the Potential Stallion (PS), but I also know, and have seen time and time again through our interactions, that this might not be the right situation for me. I'm too heady, I want to be valued and be a priority, he's just interested in having fun and “experiences,” especially in the LS, without the care and consideration for me that I want, and frankly that I deserve. I felt more and more like his golden ticket than anything else, and that was not sitting right with me.
Everyone I'd spoken with about this situation- friends, acquaintances, hell, even strangers, told me the same thing. “You're amazingly beautiful, intelligent, fun, nice, sweet, kind, open minded, you like girls- you're every man's fantasy and he is fucking it up!” (and I'm pretty good in bed, if I say so myself). Another acquaintance proclaimed, “He doesn't know how it works, doesn't want to learn, and doesn't deserve you or the lifestyle.” One couple sat me down and tenderly told me, “If this guy can't and won't appreciate you, take the time to get to know and cherish YOU before everything else, he doesn't deserve you, and certainly shouldn't be part of this” Or in the words of one of my new girlfriends, “Dump the douche!”
I had been weighing out for weeks whether the good times and sex we'd had were enough to sustain me, or whether the headaches, stress, and stark reminders of how his desire just to have fun above all else, and more importantly, his lack of care for me, warranted a change in this situation.
It's funny, the lack of exclusivity between us was the absolute least of my concerns. I never had voiced any opposition to his dating other women and having experiences outside of the ones we shared together. The only outside experience that really bothered me was an orgy my ex attended (and may have invited him to). No, not the group sex party mentioned in “Who's Gonna Clean Up This Mess“- a different one. That situation didn't even annoy me because of the sex acts (although it did raise an eyebrow because some of the women weren't my particular cup of tea, to put it nicely). Anyway, that scenario bothered me because I found out about it from someone else after the fact and not from him. And even after that, I just asked that he just be upfront and let me know about circumstances that involved known mutual acquaintances, so I wasn't caught off guard when I heard about them later from others. I just didn't want to look stupid, and I wanted us to be able to have open communication. He didn't seem to understand that.
However, the thing that bothered me most was just how surface level things were with us, and that he deliberately kept them that way. Even in past “friends with benefits” situations, the friendship was just as important as the benefits. That's what was lacking here- feeling cared for and respected as a friend.
And true, this had only been going on for a few months, but I tend to be an “all in” kind of person. Once I decide I like someone, I LIKE them. I want to make sure that they are good, sometimes to my own detriment. That's in great part because of my nature as a pleaser, but I really felt like it should be reciprocated. And it wasn't. He pretty much was out for himself and thought I should be out for myself too. That didn't really work so well for me. I think people who are involved should look out for and care about each other.
I had tried to close myself off a bit, pull away. I had a wild weekend of parties and girl fun (and deliberately didn't invite him). It actually was a blast, even though I kind of missed having him around. But I didn't miss him pushing for an “experience” in the midst of it. I liked being able to just have a good time with my LS friends without any pressure to play or the feeling that someone was hovering over my shoulder like a gnat, buzzing around and hoping something would happen. When I chose to play, I got to set the terms. I loved having 1-1 girl time. And while I had a twinge of envy seeing couples together, I was okay. So maybe I could be alright as a unicorn again?
In defense of PS, I got it. I understood. He was young, he had been in a long-term relationship for many years, and once out, he was looking to have fun, sow oats, have experiences, not go back into something serious. He had been honest with me about that from the start. I thought I could handle the situation.
There was probably some ego on my part involved too, the thought that “once he experiences how awesome I am, he will change his mind!” I think that he did see how awesome I was, but it didn't change his mind, especially as I was so willing to go along with the situation without much argument. And you can't force someone to feel something that they don't. I had been in his position before, with someone who absolutely loved me, would do anything to make me happy, was attractive and a good person- but I couldn't muster up the reciprocal feelings toward them. I ended that situation, badly and clumsily, and ended up hurting that person in the process. I still regret that.
So.. PS and I had a talk. I told him that I didn't think this situation was right for me anymore. It was a very grown up and mature conversation. I was able to discuss my concerns, give examples, lay out what I wanted. He was very understanding. He explained some things, apologized for others. We didn't argue. We decided to leave it there, at least for now. We hugged and shared a brief kiss. He jokingly asked if I would promise him that we'd sleep together at least one more time. It was fine.
Of course as an overthinker, I started second guessing myself all over the place. It probably was right for me to have the conversation, but now I'm back to square one. And I liked him. Maybe everything wasn't so bad after all? Am I ready to be a unicorn again?
To be continued.