After Potential Stallion (PS) and I attended our first lifestyle takeover event together (read “Party Time, Excellent?” here), I took some time to think everything through. Even though I would say that our outing was largely successful, my brain was still buzzing with many things that bothered me about our experience, especially as the glow of the fun we had dimmed and reality set in.
Throughout the night, I observed PS charming my friends, which should be a good thing, right? Yes and no. While I was happy that he got along with everyone, I felt like he was very sneakily getting phone numbers from my close friends under the guise of “oh, I will send you the pictures I just took.” I mentioned it, and he just smirked and continued to do it, which irked me.
His behavior really made me raise an eyebrow. These were *my* friends- why wouldn't he just send the pics to me for me to distribute? Usually, the woman is in charge of that kind of thing anyway. Even one of my girlfriends gave him the side eye and pulled me aside later to say she didn't feel comfortable with what he was doing.
I agreed. It felt rather underhanded. I had visions of him weaseling his way into my inner circle of friends, then having to see and deal with him when he and I parted ways. These were people who I have known for years, we had cultivated our relationships, shared good times and bad, attended birthdays, and outings, mostly non-sexual (although the sexual undercurrents were there). We were true friends.
The thought of PS ingratiating himself to the people closest to me, when he couldn't even be bothered to form a real connection, even a friendship, with me, both infuriated and depressed me. I'd already seen him “friend stalking” on social media, suddenly adding and following my friends and crushes, and I hadn't said anything, but this was really taking it too far, in my opinion.
Additionally, I knew that he wouldn't feel uncomfortable hanging out with my friends even if he and I stopped seeing each other, so long as there was a good time to be had, but I would feel incredibly awkward. I would end up being the one skipping events to avoid him, not vice versa. Yes, I realized that I was overthinking all of this and being territorial about my friends, but the only reason he met them, hell, the only reason he was there in the first place was because of me!
Luckily, my friends are amazing, and I was able to speak with them later about my feelings. They listened to my concerns and said all the right things. “You are too good for him anyway, he doesn't deserve you. You're the prize in this. He should be worshiping the ground you walk on.” More importantly, they reassured me that they wouldn't be getting all buddy-buddy with PS, that if we weren't anything serious, there wasn't any point in them welcoming him into our circle, so although they would be nice to him; once I'm done with him, so were they. I didn't have to worry about him showing up at a BBQ next year unless I wanted him there. I felt better.
If that were the only issue, I would have been fine. But of course, there was more. We ran into my ex at the party. No, not my ex-husband, but another LS guy that I previously dated as my marriage came to an end. It was a terrifically messy situation, and one that it took a long time to get out of, and while I did not have hard feelings toward him, I didn't care to be around him at this point either.
Backstory: Someone up there has a strange sense of humor, because very shortly after I started seeing PS, he and my ex met each other in a crazy turn of events. PS attended a group sex party (I believe with another woman he was (is?) seeing) and my ex was there. Somehow, unbelievably, they became friends. PS knew this guy was my ex, and I confided my discomfort with their relationship once I learned of it, knowing it meant trouble. However, I knew that couldn't dictate who he decided to hang around. PS chose to proceed with their friendship, much to my chagrin, but I kept quiet about it.
Unsurprisingly, my ex found out that PS and I were dating, and drama ensued. My ex began texting me incessantly, saying that it wasn't fair that I was seeing PS and not him; he didn't get a real chance to truly date me, begged me to give him another shot. When that didn't work, he proposed that I just date (fuck) both of them. HELL NO. Then he turned to just slinging insults about PS. I tried to be diplomatic and kind at first, but after he continued on and on, I just stopped responding altogether.
When I spotted my ex at the party, I avoided eye contact, but PS saw him and wanted us to hang out with him. Wait, what?? I said no, I wouldn't feel comfortable with that, but if he really felt the need to say hello, that would be okay. It was almost funny seeing how my ex warmly greeted PS until he realized that we were there together. We exchanged an awkward hug and then ignored each other until he and PS finished talking. I was so glad to be out of there and back into the party.
Of course, by the following Monday, my ex started his text rampage again, and I told PS about it. His response was disappointing- he said that he realized that my ex was a little “off,” but that he liked hanging out with him and he didn't want to have to miss any events or feel awkward because of the issues between us. Wow. I couldn't understand why anyone would want to befriend the ex of the person with whom they are currently sexing. I was frustrated and hurt. His search for a “good time” again obviously outweighed my comfort.
This attitude was further demonstrated by a request PS made of me the day after the party. We'd met a beautiful girl, but she was not into women. She actually was the “girlfriend” of a couple I'd met at a party a few years ago. PS chatted her up a bit while I was in the bathroom, and found out she had a gang bang fantasy and was working to fulfill it, but all participants had to be okayed by her couple.
Guess what happened next? Yep, PS asked if I could put in a good word with the couple and facilitate his participation in the gang bang. I swear, I stared at my phone for about 30 seconds with the thought, “Seriously?! This dude has some huge fucking balls. Did he just really ask me for the hookup for a gang bang??” I knew he had his own experiences, dated other people, and I was cool with that, but did he really just ask me to set something up for him to fuck another woman without me being involved? Maybe I was being petty, but I certainly wasn't going to facilitate his solo fun. I'm cool, but not THAT damn cool, especially with someone who isn't even my man. But sadly, I guess that's why he felt okay about asking.
All of these issues… It just boiled down to one thing that continued to ring in my brain- we weren't a couple. We weren't even good friends with benefits. We were fuck buddies at best, and that didn't work for me. Since I’d been back in the LS scene, spent time with all of these “true” couples, seen how they interacted, the bond they shared, that they were really in this lifestyle together and for each other, just made me sadly examine what I had and what I didn’t. I don’t know if the lifestyle really works for this “in between” phase of dating, at least not for me, especially with someone who doesn’t know how it works and doesn’t care to learn. Most people develop their bond first and THEN go into the lifestyle, not the reverse. And unfortunately, I am not the kind of girl who can turn off my brain and my heart entirely and just have fun. And really, I’m supposed to be having fun at this stage.
So what do I do? I like him, but I certainly don’t need the stress or the heartache that seems bound to happen if I continue on this path. Sadly, it seemed as though it was time to make some changes.