Bi The Way – Male Bisexuality and Swinging


I’ve been having this conversation with a few people lately, the double standard about bi males in the lifestyle. As swingers we seem perfectly happy (and expecting) that our women are bisexual. In fact, I don’t know that I’ve met any swinger couples whose female portion isn’t bisexual. Some more than others, but by and large, definitely bisexual. Now don’t jump down my throat here, I’m well aware that straight swinging females exist, and probably in a decent sized number, but wouldn’t we all agree that the VAST majority of females in the lifestyle are bi? It’s not really shocking, as even the mainstream vanilla world has embraced girl on girl action in the past ten to fifteen years. So when a lifestyle such as swinging opens up affording them the opportunity to play with girls, well, there ya go, that’s where the bi girl inside comes out. We’ve spoken to many swing couples who revealed that one of the prominant reasons they got into this in the first place was so the Mrs. could play with another woman finally.

That there’s the Kinsey scale. Most of us have heard of it, but I’d wager few have actually seen it. Back right around 1950, when Kinsey did his extensive sexuality research, he found that 11.6% of white males between the ages of 20 & 35 identified themselves as right smack in the middle on the scale. A 3, meaning roughly equal amounts gay/straight behavior for that period of time. Roughly the same amount for females as well…


So there are many conclusions we can draw from this. First that the results could be flawed because it was so bad to admit to any homosexual feelings back then, so gays could be sliding further towards 0 than they otherwise would… But even with a bit of a skew, roughly one in ten men and one in ten women identified themselves as bisexual on this scale…

And that was back when men were manly, right? So with society opening up a bit (‘cuz it has…) and men being allowed to come into touch with their feminine side, it stands to reason that the number would be AT LEAST the same, but more likely higher.

Now here’s where it gets more interesting to me, the statistic I choose to repeat even though I’m sure it’s WOEFULLY inaccurate is that 1 in 70 people are swingers.   We’re going to do some fun math here, with actual statistics drawn from other websites. (so, take or leave the accuracy, this is just food for thought – it’s also been a long time since I did any math with desired accuracy…if my figuring is wrong, please let me know)

There are 309,699,000 people in the US. 75% of them are over the age of 20, giving us 232,274,250 adults. By Kinsey’s numbers (numbers that are over 60 years old) there are 26,943,813 bisexuals out there. So, now if 1 in 70 people are swingers, that assumes 4,424,271 swingers in the US, with at LEAST 442,427 of them being bisexuals. With the ratio of bisexual women being sky high in the lifestyle, wouldn’t it follow that that number is quite low for bisexual or at least bicurious males.

Now, a characteristic I would give most swingers is their willingness to be open to new ideas sexually. Generally speaking, the people who’re going to cad around and just fuck and that’s what it’s all about for them just go ahead and commit adultery and leave the hassle of swinging out of it. So let’s say that half of the swingers,  just over two and a quarter MILLION people, are this more enlightened and open minded group that I speak of. Wouldn’t it follow that those would be more likely to allow for the possibility of a bisexual experience. To try it.

I’ll try anything once, twice in case I did it wrong the first time.  It’s a good motto, and it’s one espoused on MANY swinger profiles.

The day we launched our swinger profile, both my wife and I were listed as bi-curious, because I figured why on Earth, when presented with the unlimited bounty of sexual possibility, would I want to limit myself. Our first couple suggested we change my answer, otherwise we’d get many fewer responses.

So we did.

So why that bias? Many think it’s because bi-males still fall under the unfortunate stigma of homosexuality in the 80s, and the fact that it was quite common to see AIDS as a gay disease back then. (Some assholes still think it is…assholes.) Truth be told, anal sex DOES spread STIs more easily than most other sexual activities. BUT, with a condom, that “more likely” is almost completely negated.

So is it just paranoia about STIs? Doubtful. I think it’s predominantly fear of what your peer group would say. It’s amusing to me the profiles that say “My hubby AIN’T BI, SO WE DON’T WANT THAT!” (the dialect is due to the fact that I specifically saw exactly that quote.) It seems so close to the general homophobia amongst men that says “I just don’t like the idea of him…looking at me…” But just as we’ve had many lifestyle nights that don’t include any bisexual female activity, despite the fact that both females are definitely bisexual, so many people assume that the moment there’s a bisexual male in the mix, it means he’s gonna want his dick in you. (The proverbial you…you know, the homophobic male you)

I’ve spoken to a LOT of bi-males, in the lifestyle, and all but one are listed as straight on their profile. When speaking to couples, they generally realize pretty quickly that I’m 100% open to any kink. Nothing phases me. I may not understand or be interested, but it doesn’t matter to me if you are. (Except those foolish non-exclusive bareback couples…yeah, I’m talking to you! YOU’RE PART OF THE STI PROBLEM!) All it takes is the realization that Marilyn and I are not going to judge them for their interest. So what this suggests is that there are MANY bisexual males in the lifestyle who’d love to come out of the teensy bisexual closet, if only they could be guaranteed that they wouldn’t be judged on too crazy a scale.

So I’ll leave you by trashing an idea, one that I’ve heard all around the lifestyle. This idea that bi-male activity makes you gay.

Well…are your wives and girlfriends gay yet? Because from where I sit they’ve been eating a lot of pussy, and still come back for the cock.




About Author

About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.


  1. great article! that final thought was brilliant… so true, and people don't even stop to think about it. how much more fun would be had if we just dropped the silly 'gay" stereotypes already? i can't even imagine… the whole "gay = anal sex" thing in particular really irks me, since as far as i can tell, most straight guys love it – and plenty of straight women too, both giving and recieving. hell, i even know wome gay dudes who have never been into anal sex at all – and that shouldn't sound as strange as it does! how deeply this silly stereotype has sunk into our collective subconscious…

    what always makes me laugh when i read or hear all that bi-phobic crap is that i (a bisexual woman), and the majority of my female friends, both straight and bi, actually find the thought of our man tinkering about with another guy to be prety damn hot! …now that i think about it, my lesbian friends think it's a pretty sexy idea too. 😀

    we need a "open your mind (and perhaps your ass) to new ideas!" campaign for straight guys… it's ridiculous that even in the swinging community, bi men can't be themselves.

    • Thanks for the comments pik! I think what really needs to happen is for more women to come out and tell their guys how hot that'd be for them to watch. I think many more guys would be into it in a safe environment, should they know that their woman would squirt on the floor just to see it! 😉

  2. I think that there is an overwhelming issue of the fact that the word gay is still used as a derogatory term in the swinging community. It'd be one thing if the issue were "If I enjoy male on male homosexual sex, I might no longer enjoy heterosexual sex with my partner", but that rarely seems to be the issue at hand. Commonly it's just the sentiment of "If I enjoy male on male homosexual sex, people will think I am gay and that's so gross and wrong!" It's really disappointing. Once people stop feeling like 'gay' is bad, they wont care how they're perceived.

    Like you, Cooper, I do think it's up to women to move forth with the pro male bi-sexuality swinging campaign that Pik refers to. As swinging is largely matriarchal, women definitely need to enforce that not only is it okay, but it's pretty freaking hot. Just as much as men find bisexuality in women arousing, women find it arousing in men. Infact, some women spend a good deal of energy just wishing this bisexual male revolution into fruition. Not that I speak from experience, or anything.

  3. The feeling of a hard cock in my ass for the first time was mindblowing, it hit my G spot, my cock got instantly hard and I was having to stop stroking my cock to keep from coming almost instantly. For a straight guy, that was something new. After partying a little, a neighbor and I were hanging out, checking out his sex toys. I was comfortable and thought he was totally straight, so it was a surprise when he offered to suck my cock. I wasn't put off by it, and instead went with it. My only problem is, a dildo is ok,, but does not compare. It had to be large 8+ to hit the spot. My buddy has 9 and my other buddy 11 inches. The guys I know can't play that often anymore, and it's important for the guy to be bi/straight and masculine, clean and d free. Hard to find a buddy to play. At first, I thought it was wierd but fun, but now I know you can be straight and play as well. Gay guys aren't into women, so if you like girls, then don't trip, you aren't gay, even when you are sucking your friends dick. We still fuck women and watch straight porn, we just have something else to do when the girls aren't around. Once in a while we invite a women, for a threesome. They usually love it if we play lightly and keep them in the middle.

    • Dear Juan:
      I get what you’re saying, but I’m a little confused by your need to cling to the “straight” and “gay” labels in this context. It seems as though you’re still holding on to negative connotations associated with homosexuality and you’re doing acrobatics to step around a term that, as you seem intent on implying, has no wide-ranging relevance to your sex life in particular, and your persistence in leaning on negative stereotyping of the “effeminate” gay man is even more troubling contextually. I’m not saying that you’re somehow illegitimate in your predilection for “straight-acting” men, but I do wonder what it’s rooted in; from where I’m standing, the next thing I’d want to explore is how you fundamentally feel about women.

  4. Male bisexuality isn't going to be popular because men themselves are not ready to admit to it. Women are more considerate to each other's feelings and there is no fear of stigma of being lesbian among women as much as it is for to be gay among men. Worse of all, many people nowadays even have started believing that men are simply one or the other- straight/gay, there is no in between. And so, anyone wanting it in the G-spot no matter what, is GAY totally gay.
    It is all mens fault for being so stupid. I sometimes really dislike men despite being bi.

  5. Cooper, I share your feelings regarding male bisexuality in the lifestyle. In my case, I messed around with a couple guys when I was an adolescent, and then it was not my thing. Along came the discussion of nonmonogamy in our relationship, and I said I would try it as part of the process. A couple of experiences in, I did. I found that it is REALLY hot to share a cock with my wife, and to make out with her with one between our mouths. She has come to find it really hot to see a guy go down on me, and for me to go down on a guy. Unfortunately, as noted, even among the bi guys, there seems to be a limit to the number who will do anal (especially as a bottom, but including as a top), so I am still waiting to do anal, and my ultimate dream, doing my wife while getting done myself.

    I suspect that men need to get beyond the dominance/submissive issue, in addition to women pushing it. Particularly I think that sometimes the female-focus of the lifestyle can be part of it, particularly for anal, as that can take some work to set up. That means that perhaps the woman needs to help with setting up the bottom if needed (e.g. lube, stretching), which can be done as an implicit approval of the activity. Still, the focus on female pleasure is a factor I think is salient to this issue.

    • Brian, I think you're right to bring up the d/s aspect. I've been thinking about this male bisexuality thing, and in fact, blog posts with some relation to the subject will be appearing from both my husband Jack and I in the near future. I know he's a bit bi-curious, and I want him to have the opportunity to explore that curiosity. On the other hand, I have to admit that I feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea of my husband sucking another man's dick, or taking it in the ass. I wish I didn't feel that discomfort, but I do.

      So I've been examining the source of the discomfort, and I think it's strongly related to those d/s issues. I tend to want to take on a submissive role in the bedroom, and I'm often strongly attracted to men who are very dominant in some fashion (Heathcliff from Wuthering Heights and Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer come to mind – I like my bad boys). And I think a big part of my discomfort with the idea of my husband being with another man is because we're so socialized to understand the person being penetrated as the submissive partner. In fact, I think I'm less uncomfortable with the idea of him being the pitcher than I am with him being the catcher. So I guess really I'm just uncomfortable with the idea of seeing him in a "submissive" role, which is a silly hang-up, and one I would like very much to get over.

  6. The idea of me with another man is unfortunately what ended (hopefully temporarily) are swinging experience. My wife is just unable to think about it. Rather then speculate on why, we have put swinging on hold. I understand if she didn't want me to be with guys, if we agreed to this, but we never had a chance to incorporate it into our rules. Anyway I agree that men need to open them selves up to the potential of bi life, however not all women are ready for that to happen either

    • I’m sorry to hear that. It’s a shame that the societal bias against bi guys is what really keeps us from being able to explore our sexuality the way the women have free reign to do.

  7. Over many years of girlfriends telling me they would love to see two men perform oral sex on one another it took my wife to ask me if I would give her that visual, " just once, please". So we dialed someone up online and met for drinks. That evening was actually quite fun and afterwards I didn't feel any less of a man & our sex life was on fire for two weeks, at least, afterwards. A few years later a "male guest" confided he wanted to try it and felt comfortable enough with us to suggest. We had fun and the results were the same.

    Fast forward a few more years and at this point we have done this several more times and I'm comfortable, (with oral, I haven't gone any further) but we still don't bring it up to others unless they mention they are willing to explore everything swinging has to offer, with a wink and a smile, then (usually my wife) broaches the subject to see where peoples heads are. So when it comes to more acceptance it still begins with the women assuring us males that it's okay and discussing it as an asset and not a failing. I believe that is the only way this will gain more ground.

  8. I'm SOOO glad people are talking about male bisexuality more these days! I remember when it used to be so taboo a few years ago in the swinger community.

  9. This issue is one I found very disturbing when I became an active member in the lifestyle. All my life, the straight and narrow has always disappointed me with their narrow views on non-traditional or alternative lifestyles, especially gay or bisexual people. As a bisexual woman, it was often looked down on or treated differently because I admitted to liking both men and women. And when friends and family found out I had gay friends, both male and female, well… you can imagine their responses. To be fair, my gay friends often disliked my straight friends because they weren't gay. When I asked why, the responses usually had to do with the fact that straight people didn't accept them since they were gay, so why should they accept straight people?

    I was disheartened to find much of the same stigmas in the lifestyle as well towards gay men in particular. It always makes me sad to see bigotry and homophobic behavior anywhere, but especially in an alternative lifestyle who wishes acceptance from the "standard" or straight world. If we want that as a community, why on earth wouldn't we pass that same acceptance out to another alternative lifestyle?

  10. I think there is benefit to women making sure their men feel secure enough to express themselves, but I think this is an issue far beyond just the support of spouses. Men have to start allowing their interests to show. Men have to be willing to be supportive of each other. Not backhanded support, but real support.
    As I read through the comments, I remembered an occassion meeting this couple. We were talking and in the beginning it was talked about that I am a bi woman. The other woman simply saying she wasn't. There was no concern about if I was going to jump her and force her into some girl on girl action. I know that if my mate said that in that conversation, most likely, that conversation would have ended shortly… without a happy ending.
    Sex is way too much fun to woory over this. I say, if you are comfortable with the couple, then it is all good. I have found toys, lubes, positions and more that I would have never known and enjoyed without having an open mind in this lifestyle, I see no reason that men should not be able to take that step with this.

  11. the Younger Aquarius on

    can we just do away with the categories and say that humans have sexual contact with other humans (for fun, bonding, stress-release, social purposes, etc.) and it DOESN'T MATTER what the physical gender of the humans is??
    i understand that ppl need labels to be comfortable in many situations, but for cripe's sake why do we have to get ourselves so caught up in these labels that we allow ourselves to be limited?
    honestly i don't give a f__ about 'gay' or 'straight' anymore. sex is sex and ppl is ppl. we ALL like different things! =)

  12. I am apparently one of the rare ones, being a straight female, my husband bi-curious and our boyfriend bi-curious as well. Girls just don’t do it it for me, but watching my boys go at it? I think those who taboo it are missing out – for stupid reasons. Both of them pounce on me as much as each other, so its not like male on male = no females ever. 

  13. I have to agree with this and find it very irritating and hypocritical.   We’re fairly new to the LS  and while I probably would not seek out mm on my own I have never been opposed to it and since my wifes facinated by the idea I am willing.      We recently went to our firs on premise club and the hostess was very nice and suggested that we ask anything we want.    So my wife asked about the possibility of  mm play.    The first thing the hostess saiid was adn I quote 
    “well we had an incident once” right after which she looked at me and and asked “You want THAT”
    as if I we were asking if would bite the heads of live chickens or something. 

  14. just a quick comment, in my last three studies the percentage of Bi-males among a population of about 3,000 respondents was between 18% and 24%. Are there Bi-swingers? Of course….wish there wasn’t such a stigma still attached to male bi-swinging activities…we love it when the ladies do it, don’t we?

  15. Interested male on

    Interesting study about bi-men.  I personally have had sex with a couple of men but am deathly afraid of talking about it with other men for fear of being labeled permanently and kicked out of any friendship with them.  Believe me I still love the female body and love to have sex with women it’s just that I also enjoy sex with a man.  Now widowed and 80 it is difficult to find a man or woman who doesn’t seem to have a negative fixation on my ability to perform.  Maybe this will change some before I pass on, at least I hope so.  Again, a very interesting statement about male sexuality.

    • I’m in the same boat! Recently I entered my 70’s and really missed physical human contact in a friendly bi-sexual manner. My wife passed away 12 years ago. What is out there? Is a homophobic, anti multi partner society. I’m 80 percent straight and 20 percent Gay (Bi-sexual) in that I would love to have a loving relationship with a  man/woman or married couple. I’m very young looking, healthy and active for my age! I reside in Hawaii, which is pretty open to different life styles. I’m very attracted to different races, backgrounds and educated persons. I’m Caucasian with a little Native American in me.    

  16. I am a secret bi-sexual male. During the days (long past) that my wife and I were swinging I never let on that I was Bi but she knew I was. I never got into anal sex though a couple of my lovers wanted it from me and I provided it in a safe sex manner. I can’t see, at my age, doing it with another male, so I have been thinking about getting a strap on for my wife to have sex with me, even though I have not taken anal before. The idea turns me on but I haven’t discussed it with her and I’m afraid she will be upset. I love watching her with other men but she says she is not into that any more, we are, after all, in our mid fifties and I repect her limits.

    • You should never be afraid to ask for something from your partner. And you don’t have to make it about being bi, straight men can like things in their ass just as much as bi and gay. So just ask her to play with your ass a bit, then work your way up to the strapon and pegging. Or find some pegging porn and watch it with her to see her reaction.

  17. I have been bi for a while and have expressed my “curiosities ” to my wife, when we have talked she has said that she doesn’t want to see me and another guy together. At other times she has said, that she was t sure she wanted to see that but that she would leave the room and let me and the other guy do our thing. I’d love to have a mmf with a bi guy but I’m scared to say anything to her.I love my wife but I’d also like to be able to hook up win the guy without her freaking out. Any ideas or suggestions??

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