We here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask!
Q. My wife of 18 years and I are new to the lifestyle. We are both loving the hell out of it and feel great about what it is doing for us and our life. We have a couple we play with and have become great friends as well. We have a million things in common and hang out with them in all aspects of our life.
We have managed to check just about everything off of your check list that can be done with 4 people. The one exception to that is I have not had penetrative sex with our female play partner. ( just to clarify I have not with the Male partner either I'm straight).
Our last night of play lead itself to my wife and our male partner having sex. I didn't object or have any issues with it and still don't. I was not as turned on by it as all the other activities have turned me on. I have told my wife if she wants to do it again that is great.
The problem is when I started to have sex with the female I lost my erection. I have never had this happen to me before. I'm am 38 and only been with my wife since before we met. I can only assume it was the situation and pressure. Originally we were not super attracted to either of them physically, however as our friendship has grown we have all grown close and have great chemistry. I have had no problem staying hard for any of the other “soft swap” activities and I am excited by the idea of having sex with her.
My question is how did you overcome these types of problems. We have had vanilla times with these two since, but no play dates. I don't think anyone is intentionally stopping them just no time. We have become great friends in a short time and hang out a lot with our families. I am however worried about having this problem again and am hesitant to try again. Any advise you have would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. we love your shows and all of your blogs.
Thank you, B
[Through follow up emails with B, I determined that he does not use condoms with his wife, or during the soft swap portion of the evening, but did during the full swap portion. This information informed my answer to him]
My first thought is that you're doing something dramatically different in the sexual arena than you do with your wife. You're wearing a condom. This can cause the erectile issues you mentioned. I'm not about to tell you to go ahead and bareback swing, so my first recommendation would be starting to use condoms with your primary partner, as well as when you masturbate. This will allow you to get used to the condom experience, because it is different of course.
It may take a little time, but it'll be one less thing to be thinking about. Excess thinking leads to distraction, which can lead to ED. (Way to go, Coop, tell the readers to try not thinking.)
Also, you may need a larger condom. According to Trojan's website, standard condoms are made for penises that are 4.8″-5.1″ inches in girth. Even if you're just marginally larger than that range (5.2″) that's enough that regular condoms might feel uncomfortable around your penis. I'm not carrying a baseball bat between my legs, but when I switched to magnums, a lot of my condom issues and ED issues went away.
Beyond that, any time you experience something new and pressuring in the sex department, it's very common to have issues with your erection. The best thing for you is to go into the experience knowing there is much you can (and should) do that doesn't involve your penis, this will help alleviate some of the pressure.
Bottom line is it shouldn't matter (though I know it does) and you shouldn't worry about it (but I know you will) so try to be patient and not put so much pressure on your buddy.