What do you do when one spouse needs the swinger lifestyle more than the other?
My wife and I have recently been talking about this. I am very enthusiastic about polyamory and the swinger lifestyle. (Obviously, as evidenced by this blog.) I love group sex. I love getting to experience these other women. I want to do even more with the swinger lifestyle. I would love to have a polyamorous “girlfriend,” in addition to our swinger relationships. I feel like the swinger lifestyle has changed my life for the better.
My wife is happy for me, and she agrees that the swinger lifestyle has been overwhelming a positive experience for us, but she doesn’t “need it” as much as I do. In fact, recently my wife has asked me to stop contacting any new swinger couples. The reason is, she just doesn’t feel sexy right now. She’s struggling with some hormone-related issues and body image issues related to being a mother. (We have two young kids and my wife still isn’t feeling like “herself” yet.) I think she looks fantastic and I desire her more than ever, but she has mostly lost her sex drive. I feel terrible for her, and it’s very sad and frustrating. I don’t know what I can do to help her.
My wife said that she’s happy to encourage me to get what I need outside of our marriage, within certain limits. She’s happy to keep seeing a few select swinger couples that we already know and like, such as Katie and Kevin and Jake and Jill. She’s happy to give me permission to go to strip clubs by myself. But she’s not open to opening up our marriage any further than that right now.
At first when she told me this, I was disappointed – because I had hoped to pursue a new poly relationship with a woman that I already know and have already flirted with (and I had already talked with my wife about this possibility). But my wife said it makes her feel bad to think that I’m off having sex with another woman. That’s a boundary for her, right now. She says she won’t necessarily always feel this way, and once she feels sexy and more like herself again, she would be open to having more swinger sex and giving me more permission to be with other women.
“Logically, I am fine with you seeing other women without me,” she said. “Emotionally, I am not fine with it. Maybe that’s not fair, but it’s reality. That one time when you had a solo date with Jill, I ended up feeling bad.”
“Well that settles it, then,” I said. “Because I don’t want to do anything to make you feel bad.”
I believe that ethical non-monogamy requires informed consent of everyone involved in the relationship – whether all of those people are in the room together or not. I don’t want to do anything to make my wife feel bad. No matter how excited I am about the swinger lifestyle, my first priority is my wife.
Originally posted on Swing Lifestyle Blog
1 Comment
Great article. It is good to know that you have taken your wife’s feelings as first priority an that is the first key to a successful marriage. Unselfishness! Open relationships are about being open to whatever relationship works for you both. Be patient and take the time away from everything else and be with your partner. The ultimate confidence booster for her, will be, you reminding her how much you love and adore here and regardless of if you ever swing again, you will be just as happy.