Review: RealTouch – Teledildonics Male Masturbator

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Image7Teledildonics is one of those things that seems like the greatest idea in the world, and has for the last…fifteen years or so…somehow never seemed to materialize. We the nerdy, we the geeky, we the occasionally lonely, fantasized about a future where we could plug something into our computer and it would get us off. After all, we've all wanted to fuck our computer, haven't we? Maybe? A little? It also takes us one step closer to that strange fever dream of robotic sex.

So, a roundabout entry into this review. But be forewarned, I was SKEPTICAL, with a capital everything, you see. I was skeptical when Zoe told me the RealTouch was coming (phrasing) for me, I was skeptical when it arrived at my door, I was skeptical when I opened it up and saw that this massive honking piece of industrial grade (and 1980s computer tan) plastic had an I/O cable coming out of the back of it, which then plugged into a box they call the mini-tower, that converts our signal to USB. Of course the mini tower has a transformer and a massive computer cable of its own.

Taking it out, plugging it in, I flashed back to the computer peripherals of yore. But while I may have fantasized about one with this purpose, I never expected it to be here, in front of me, plugged into my computer.

I'll admit, I don't read manuals for toys. I'm a firm believer that if a toy is good enough, it'll be intuitive. I decided to give RealTouch a free pass in this case, as this device frankly scared me, and there was a lot of software to install, even firmware to upgrade. (And isn't firmware just a delightful double entendre? [because you know it's a good one if I'm forced to MENTION IT MYSELF!]) So I read the instructions cover to cover. Installed the software. Registered at the website. Plugged the thing in. Filled the lube repository as one might top up the wiper fluid on one's car. (Note to self, top up the wiper fluid on the Coopmobile. [No, seriously, it ran out today.]) Clicked the link below one of the free videos, downloaded an unknown video format….

Hrm.

Checked the back of the manual to no avail. Found the LONGER version of the manual on the website that includes troubleshooting. This one let me know that apparently I use Windows Media Player for this and I needed to check on the plugins. (I didn't even know Windows Media Player HAD plugins.) A few more tries, without getting the videos to play from the website, I inserted the disc with a handful of free videos on it. These DID play. But no interaction.

Crap.

A few off/on attempts. First the RealTouch program, then WMP, then the mini-tower. And SUDDENLY, I heard a variety of sounds coming out of the massive RealTouch device on my desk. Sounds that seemed to match the 4:3 late 90s porn clips in front of me. I inserted my fingers (carefully…don't need to give someone an excuse to call me stumpy for the rest of my life) and felt a very strong pull. Inside the RealTouch are two belts with ridges on them, hooked up to a continuous feed system a lot like a roll of film. The device works by alternating the direction and speed (and lubrication) of these belts.

I had not anticipated the power of them. The pull.

A little nervous again at getting mangled, I lubed up excessively with the included lube. My fingers hadn't experienced the amount of moisture that I felt would properly mitigate friction, so I wanted to be prepared.

What I felt shocked me. FLOORED me.

I've used a lot of fuck toys in my time, and in my experience, the ones made for men are usually jokes. The RealTouch LOOKS ridiculous, overproduced, oversized, frightening, with one of those strange slits in the front that sort of ask you to play guess the hole, but really leave you feeling rather uncomfortable due to its ambiguity. (I'm looking at you Fleshlight anus.) I didn't expect much. Honestly, I didn't even expect it to sync with the video.

Yet here it was, syncing, and PULLING. The speed and power really got me going, and quick. And before long, I came. And surprised myself.

If I can count the number of male mechanical masturbators that have any sort of enjoyment factor on one hand, I can count the number of mechanical male masturbators that have made me cum on one finger. This one.

I sat back in shock. Impressed. Perplexed. Awed. Well played, RealTouch, well played.

So, it works. Kudos, right? Well, yeah. It's a success. But at $199 (plus paying for videos or interactive if you want more content) it should be MORE of a success. Ways to improve?

Well, my number one complaint was actually due to the syncing with the video. This is a cool feature to be sure, but when I'm thrusting in real life, I tend to go at my rhythm. The on again off again rhythm of fifteen to twenty year old porn doesn't really lend itself to the rise to orgasm. ESPECIALLY when he did his stupid “pulling my dick out, to show the camera the insertion again and again.” (Though I was amused at the sensation that arose from the standard “slapping my dick against her ass” shot.)

I found myself skipping around the video for the hardcore fucking portions to get myself to orgasm.

So, I'd like some newer videos please. Something widescreen at least to fill my monitor, and not full of scanlines and interlacing problems. Though perhaps that's just the video geek in me.

I'd also like a manual mode. Either on the device or on the program. Seriously, this belt driven masturbation is a winner. If we could harness that for a stand alone toy, it could be man's answer to the Hitachi Magic Wand (sorry, the Magic Wand Original…don't be a grump, Hitachi), the jackhammer that gets the job done. BUT this requires control.

Finally, the website offers interaction with real cam girls, and these girls have a joystick dildo that sends sensations to the RealTouch. In what should be considered a crime against humanity, this joystick is not available for purchase. Not standalone, not in a pack. This is really it, what we've wanted. My long distance girlfriend could give me a handjob. (I still couldn't do anything for her, because that technology is still down the pike.) The tech is here, you guys have implemented it! Are you just so selfish that only your cam girls can play with my virtual cock and then have it transmitted as a simulacrum?

We're so close to actual genuine teledildonics here. So fucking close.

Do I recommend the RealTouch? As much as I can recommend such an expensive and flawed product. It is a masterful example of being ALMOST right. So close. SO fucking close.

And RealTouch, you have the opportunity here to do a lot. Use this power wisely. You have a great responsibility to help usher in the new generation of sex toys. The ones we've been waiting for since we were eleven and we wondered if there was any port on that (then tan) tower we could fuck.

What a day to be alive.

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About Author

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About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.

2 Comments

  1. Avatar

    This review is a wonder to behold. I love it. If I had a penis, I bet I would be more annoyed by the things that merely irritated you a bit — the inability to control it manually and the shitty video quality. Now, if I could fuck Sasha Grey in full HD, now THAT would be worth it.

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