I’ve been spending a lot of time reflecting here lately. I don’t quite feel at home in the cornfields, and I’m trying to figure out why. It’s not so hard really, I don’t feel like I have much community out here. I do have some; friends and acquaintances with quite a number of mutual hobbies. But I don’t feel like I have many people to talk with about my personal growth, ones who moreso “get it.” And so I’m out here, wrestling with myself, trying to find the answers within.
Don’t get me wrong, the online community is amazing. I need to reach out to all of you wonderful people more. But having someone there, flesh and blood, sipping coffee or a milkshake or eating froyo or ice cream while you discuss life and all it holds, there’s no experience quite like that. And I feel like there are very few people out here for that. It’s a little lonely at times, and I feel like I have to make some of this up as I go along.
This leads to me finding out about myself in new and interesting ways. Like the realization that I had recently, that I don’t really know what I want in life at all. I have no plan; I’m just making this up as I go along. I have Susan to thank for pointing that out. It’s one of the reasons why we broke up a couple of months back. I hadn’t brought it up on here yet, because I thought better of it. I still think she’s a wonderful person, but we shouldn’t be dating right now.
But back on the topic of not knowing what I really want. Well, that’s not entirely true. I do know what I want, to some extent. I want to experience life, and all it has to offer. I want to live each moment to the next, breathing it all in. For the first time in years, I find myself not seeking to be in a romantic relationship, not wanting to be tied down. That doesn’t mean that I don’t care about people, or don’t want them in my lives. There are times now where I feel more connected than ever to people. There are many whom I love. And with some, I’m learning how to express that physically, though not so much romantically. And I’m coming to terms with that. It’s not a bad thing.
There’s another writer out there who writes a wonderful blog who coined a term that fits where I’m at right now: polysingleish. Seriously, you should read her blog. She’s a wonderful writer. Right now, my “primary” relationship is with me, exploring life’s possibilities. I have another person who fills a wonderful part in my life, Bunny, but she’s not the sort that I’m looking to have as a life partner, and we’re both okay with that. It doesn’t mean I don’t love or care about her, just that we’re not going that way right now. And I have an ex, my long time relationship, Kate, who things have sparked back with physically, even though we’re not looking to date each other again. And we’re both okay with that. Finally, I do have one person where there seems some mutual romantic interest, but I don’t think I could handle a long distance relationship of that distance, as she lives two states away.
There are times where it’s kind of hard. Just before I wrote this, I was pouring my heart out on a personal blog, explaining how I was worried and putting pressure on myself that I wasn’t fitting in. That I felt like I didn’t belong in that community, not because I was some sort of pariah, but because I felt like I didn’t fit in, even when people welcomed me with open arms.
That’s one of the ways I’m wrestling with myself right now: I put pressure on myself when it’s not really there. It’s not the only way, though. I’m also working through the cognitive dissonance that comes with having a friends-with-benefits situation, or a flover (another term from polysingleish). I knew mentally how I would feel about the situation, being completely okay with it. But when you’re actually there, the feelings don’t quite all line up. It’s okay though, because I’m getting through it.
So, I’ve started figuring out what I want in my life. I want genuine relationships with people at the moment, but not necessarily romantic ones. Physical and emotional are okay (together or separate), but I don’t really want to feel obligated to someone right now. And even though I’m wrestling myself over that, as my heart isn’t quite lined up with where my mind wants to be, I’m still learning. And while it’s sometimes hard doing this out here, in the cornfields, where there isn’t a lot of community, there are many out here who care about and love me. And maybe that will help me learn a bit more about myself, and help me be more okay with who I am.