Dating Women is Hard Work


Dating Women is Hard Work?My name is Zoe Hanis and somehow I don’t ever think I will get the hang of dating girls. Though I suppose in order to get the hang of it, one should actually date one.

A couple of years ago, I asked a girl out. I had met her at a poly party and we had flirted a bit. She was fun and bubbly and I wanted to get to know her better. She had an air about her; one that I had never seen before and only seen once since. When I asked to meet her for drinks or dinner, she declined; well, actually she ignored my messages on social media sites. The next time I saw her at a poly event, she came right up and hugged me. I took that as encouragement to ask her out again. This time she declined outright saying that she didn’t date girls. She seemed surprised, perhaps even flattered, when I said neither have I; but it was not to be.

A couple of months ago, I started dating a couple. Well to be perfectly honest, I started a relationship with him as she was so busy with family issues and school work. He and I hit it off pretty well. He has similar interests to Guy and is in a similar profession to my day job. So we had lots to talk about. The online flirting and sexting was fun. We set a date.

His partner joined us on the date and I found that I had more fundamentally in common with her. The more time we spent together, the more I looked forward to hearing from her. She was soft and warm. Her kisses were warm and inviting. She made the most wonderful little noises in pleasure. But most of all, she glowed. She had that same presence that I had only seen only once before. When she would walk into a room, it became brighter. When she smiled, her eyes lit up brightly. Even when she would do something as simple as crinkling her nose, my stomach would let lose butterflies and my chest would swell. I was smitten. No, I still am smitten, but I am also sad.

While neither of them were newly poly, their relationship with each other had only been open for 6 months. And while she was used to my tribal method of poly and being able to date individually with full disclosure, he was not. He wanted a woman that they could date as a unit. One that he could integrate into their lives to fulfill her desire for female companionship and poly relationships, but would not be as threatening for him as having another male around. She was full of compersion; he was full of insecurities. She was at home the first time she met members of my tribe; his every reaction was negative.

He and I spent hours trying to sort out our differences, but it seemed that we kept hitting an impasse. It wasn’t simply trying to get on the same page arguments that Guy and I had, I think we were in completely different libraries. Our outlooks on relationships and on sex were far too different. Even the ways that we would communicate and process negative reactions were so diametrically opposed. His insecurities, self-centeredness and defensiveness made it impossible for me to deal with him. And I am sure he found my bluntness as equally distasteful.

After spending an evening with him alone, I finally told him that we were not compatible for anything other than friends. I enjoyed hanging out and talking with him but when it came to anything dealing with relationships, feelings or sex, it was too difficult for me. Unfortunately, this revelation led to another round of fighting, blame, self-pity and anger. And I gave up. Not easily, I always want the last word. But I stopped. I was not ready to burn that bridge. I did; however, send her the last batch of emails so that she knew what was going on. I believe in transparency. By the time I stopped, he had already started with the “you can’t see her without me” card.

I had hoped that she would want to explore our connection. She had said she felt it too. We had postponed our first alone date and now she was choosing to cancel it completely. She is in an impossible situation. He would be miserable if she saw me and his feeling left out would only lead to self-pity or anger. And let's face it, he is her primary relationship.

She asked me if I was ok with “just being friends” and only “seeing each other at social events.” I told her I respect her decision. What I didn’t tell her is that I don’t like it; that it hurts. Not just because of having been rejected, but more so because of the loss of potential. I wanted to get to know her better; to explore the connection; to have her aim that smile towards me and bask in her glow.

She is beautiful and intelligent and absolutely amazing. If I could I would give her the moon and stars. But since I can’t, the best I can do is leave them alone and hope she finds peace.

So once again, I was turned down by a woman I really wanted to get to know. There is a part of me that wants to say “to heck with it” and stick with men. But I am finding that the more I explore, the more it doesn't matter what gender one is. It is the person that brightens my world that I find attractive.


Zoe first described herself as "bad at monogamy" until about five years ago when she and her husband discovered the term that actually described her: polyamorous. Since then they have opened their family to other partners. Zoe is currently juggling relationships with her husband, their two kids, her husband's girlfriend, and a slew of friends/loves that she calls her tribal poly family. She can be reached on facebook or on twitter @ZoeHanis

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