Swinging Advice – Cheating Men in the Lifestyle

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swinging, polyamory, & non-monogamy adviceWe here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Q.“I am a recently single female that was introduced to the lifestyle in my last relationship. I really enjoyed the lifestyle even though we didn't get too far into it as a couple. Now that I'm single, I would like to start again. However, I keep running into a problem.

I created a profile on a swing site and have received a lot of response (single bisexual female? you betcha!). Whenever I talk to a single man, I always ask up front if they are really single, or just playing single. I have had several tell me that they are indeed in a relationship. So, of course, my next question is if their significant other knows about them sleeping with other women. The only answer I have gotten to that question is a resounding “No.” That makes me back off immediately. I mean, I appreciate the fact that these guys are being honest up front, and I'm sure a lot that say they are “really single” may be lying, however, I have no desire in being a pawn to help someone cheat. I don't want the drama, and I don't want the guilt either. I always politely decline at that point and am met with the “Oh come on”, “Let me know if you change your mind”, “What's the big deal” etc.

I guess I'm not really looking for advice about what I should do, but I would like to get a prospective from someone that has been in the lifestyle longer and has experienced this as well. Is there ever really any way to tell if a man is lying about being single without acting like a jealous girlfriend myself? Am I simply sitting on a high horse and judging too quickly? Or am I correct in the assertion that these guys are just looking for an easy lay and think their girlfriend/wife is less likely to find out if the “other woman” is a swinger?”

 A. While I personally have not experienced this often I know many who have. I do swing separately from my husband sometimes but usually with men who I’ve met as part of a swinging couple. There was no doubt that their spouse knew what was going on.

It’s not just a problem with single women in the lifestyle but comes up when a couple dates separately or when looking for an MMF threesome. There is nothing wrong with asking straight up what their status is. There seems to be a number of men out there that have no problem cheating and, even more surprising, have no problem telling you they’re cheating. First and foremost, ethical non-monogamy is just that, a consensual non-monogamous relationship in which both parties have agreed. It’s not non-monogamy if you aren’t telling your spouse you’re having sex with someone else. You are well within your rights to require full disclosure. The men you date don’t have to introduce their wives to you or even involve you in their relationship but the wife should know their husband is sleeping around.

My concern here is not only keeping secrets from a spouse but other issues. This kind of reckless behavior might add to over all risk. Would this man also be honest about STDs, would he test regularly or even practice safer sex? There is a fair chance that he’s not doing any or all of these things. Also, if he can’t be respectful of his primary relationship there also a good chance he’s not going to be respectful of you. So there’s nothing wrong with steering clear of the “Oh, come on.” guys.

I wish there was a way to guarantee the guy is truly single but no one I know has figured that one out yet. Other than asking up front, you have to take their word for it. The trick is to find that balance of wary observation and over protective jealous girlfriend. You can try asking him about the level of communication he has with his wife, will you get a chance to meet her or talk with her. You can approach it as you just wanting to get know him better and at what level of communication he is comfortable with. It's not guaranteed that the man who's cagey about the level of communication is cheating but how he talks about his wife might provide you with a heads up to the possibility.

The cheating man is most likely thinking the swinging single is an easy target for easy sex. Some might even be convinced that because you’re non-monogamous you’re willing to accept cheating. Not everyone goes into this knowing what to do or even caring to learn. You’d do well to avoid them. And if they try to give you a hard to time or make you feel guilty for your choice remember that you are trying to be safe and honest which is an important part of non-monogamy. Those cheatin’ hearts could learn a thing or two from you.

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About Author

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Technogeisha is a sex positive kinkster with an insatiable curiosity. She and her husband spent lots of time hanging with the LA fetish crowd but never truly opened up. That all changed after finding Life on the Swingset. No longer content to be a virtual voyeur, she is actively pursuing the life non-monogamous. Having a passion for research (that apparently borders on fetish) has led her to mine the internet and devour books for information about all aspects of open relationships and sexuality. It’s wonderful to be invited to share that passion with all of you. Technogeisha not only writes but works behind the scenes on the Swingset.

13 Comments

  1. Avatar

    I talk to “singles” often. I would estimate 75% of the males I’ve talked to are cheaters. Almost all tell me right up front, as you’ve experienced. The tells I’ve noticed if they don’t admit to being married at first are: 1. only able to meet during the day. 2. never able to meet on the weekends. 3. Won’t give you a cell phone number 4. very hesitant about showing face pictures 5. advertise they are very discreet. While a true single may show one of the above, I would strongly caution you if you are seeing more than one of the above items. This is just my experience talking to hundreds of guys over the years.

    • Avatar
      Empress Nympho on

      Anyway, one thing I’ve been noticing is a pattern with guys that I suspect aren’t single. They all seem to have an overly demanding job schedule. Now, mind you, none of them are on-call ER doctors, undercover law enforcement, jobs that might have a strange or erratic schedule, etc. So, what winds up happening is that we hook up once or twice, but then trying to schedule a 2nd or 3rd date in advance becomes a circus. The last minute cancellations start or I get inappropriately cagey answers to basic scheduling questions. Has anyone else noticed this — single man advertised as single, swears that he’s single, then uses work as a “cover”? The first few times, the work excuses seem legit, but then it happens too many times for it not to be a cloak-and-dagger maneuver. Does anyone have any advice about sussing this out sooner rather than later?

  2. Avatar

    If a man is married to a woman who seems to only want a companionate marriage and it is otherwise a very happy marriage with children and he wants to have any kind of sex life he has three choices.

    1. He can just give up on sex for life and live a life of chastity.

    2. He can tell his wife that he is intending to see other women and consequently potentially destroy an otherwise good and even great marriage.

    3. He can “cheat” carefully and cautiously treating any women he dated with decency and respect, and make sure they understand his situation.

    I wonder what most people think is the best choice.

    bob

    • Avatar

      I’m in a similar situation. I’m married with 2 beautiful kids whom I adore and can’t fathom not living with them. Four years ago, my wife decided she was through with sex. I haven’t so much as kissed her since then, we don’t even sleep in the same bed (I’m a snorer). But otherwise we get along fine and I love her. I asked her what I’m supposed to do and she said that I should look elsewhere, but she doesn’t want to know or hear about it. So the truth is I’m free to do what I want but I still need to be discreet.

      The result: four years later and still no luck because I’ve always been very honest and up front about my situation.

  3. Avatar

    So glad I read this. I got involved with a married man not realizing he was into the lifestyle. Finally after knowing him 6 months I realize it. He then asked me to be their unicorn but I was not open to it. Finally, 3 months ago, I said I would. We still haven’t had our threesome, as he says it is due to timing conflicts. However, we have been together several times.

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    Bob you nailed it. Yes, their are some outright scum of guys posing as SM’s in the Lifestyle. I’ve met several and some of them have incredible wives and participate in sex with them regularly.
    I on the other hand am Bob. I have a great marriage with a loving wife and wonderful kids. With one thing missing…sex. My wife went so far, the last time I brought the subject up, to tell me “I thought you were taking care of that yourself”. Well, I guess I am.

    BTW, many guys in my situation have to be ultra discreet and careful. Therefore, the last thing we would want to do is “out” a couple or upset them in anyway.

  5. Avatar

    Before my husband and I met, he was into the swinging lifestyle, more specifically the interracial cuckolding scene – he is a black man, so he played with these older white wives whose husband loved to watch.

    Anyway, I’m 26 years old (I’m a white woman btw) and my husband is 37 years old. We got married almost 3 years ago. When we started dating my husband claimed he was done with this lifestyle and is ready to be serious. I believed him. He cheated on me with a swinger couple and now he has gonorrhea! I assume he only told me because he noticed the symptoms on himself. He had unprotected sex with me after he contacted it so I had to go to a sexual health clinic to get treated too.

    I’m NOT a swinger and I’m not interested in this lifestyle ar all because it is SICK and DISGUSTING. Many swingers don’t practice safe sex and spread nasty and very dangerous diseases that can easily leave people to be infertile. Of course the vast majority don’t care because they already have kids and have their tubes tied or they are too old to have kids.

    There are MANY married men out there who will lie and say that they are single or that their wife has their blessing on this sh*t! My husband told this said swinger couple that I was aware of what he was doing! Hell no I wasn’t! Swinger women! If you mess with a married man, you are a damn homewrecker, no way around it!

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          If you can’t accept that adults are able to offer informed consent for their own private activities then you really don’t have any business speaking about “cheating” or “homewrecking”.

          Any individual gets to decide what they do with their own lives and their own bodies, and if they agree to do something with another individual and that individual agrees, that’s that. If two people, in a partnership or a marriage agree to fuck other people, that’s it, they’re making a decision, acknowledging their relationship with each other, to do so.

          Swingers don’t want to fuck individuals who are straying from their marriages. That’s the anti-thesis to what informed consent is. A person fucking other people who is lying about it to their partner is a cheater, and those are the people we are concerned with. When we find someone is a cheater, they very quickly get bounced out of the community.

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    I am a married man I’ve been married 42 years, I have not had sex for 15 years now. My wife does not care to have sex anymore. I just want to feel the inside of a woman again but I do not want to but the danger to my marriage. I love her she loves me and I masturbate a lot just to feel the release and good feeling. I just wish I could find a woman who would enjoy a married man now and then preferably another married woman not to change her situation or mine just to enjoy some sex. Is it wrong to feel that way? How do minute and women who are married to each other and don’t have sex and one it whether it’s the man who wants it or the woman wants it or the man who doesn’t want it or the woman who doesn’t want it what’s the best thing to do?

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