We here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask!
Q.”A little bit of history here, when we started I wrote you an email about my wife’s hesitancy to jump into the swinging waters. You gave me such a great advise and actually we both understood and agreed what you replied. Gave her the time and space and 2 years later, she is the one that drives the swinger car in our marriage.
Now, here is my new situation. She is driving the car too fast… I cannot believe I’d ever say that but somehow I feel like that is happening and that I am not even in the car sometimes. We have had several MFM, a few MFMF and no FMF because she likes to be the center of attention and she does not like girls. She has allowed me to explore my bisexuality too which I really appreciate, and she has no jealousy issues when it comes to couples play. On my side, I love to see her happy and getting all the pleasure she needs and deserves and I had allowed her to play with some of her friends. This has evolved in 3 favorite guys.
Guy #1 is a mutual friend, we play together, have fun in and out of the bedroom and she meets about every week with him during the day while I am at work. I feel perfectly fine with him and he is also my good friend.
Guy #2 we met at a party, she has had sleepovers with him and I like the guy. I don’t play with them when they are together and after listening your podcasts I have concluded that my wife and him have a poly relation with feelings and everything. They talk to me all the time when they are together and this guy is very respectful about me too always understanding that I am the primary person on this relation; I am ok with Guy #2.
Now there is Guy #3. This is a very nice guy to her and she likes him a lot. He is married but we think the wife does not know. One time they were going to meet at a hotel but when they arrived, the place was full, so he found through LSL a couple that was nearby and could host them. That’s when everything started. After that time, he started posting on CL (actual posting: http://losangeles.craigslist.org/wst/cas/3404915594.html). As you can see, he does not lie about “married to others” thing, but now he is out searching for couples to play with them (him and my wife). They have done that a couple of times already and he is very active “searching” for couples for them. I know that they had have super-hot sessions and although the first time I found it interesting and was happy for her that got to explore her sexuality in a brand new light as she played with a girl for the very first time now I am starting to get annoyed that I am left behind while this guy goes out on the hunt using my wife as bait. Yes, she is not forced, she is loving it, but again, I tend to think that I’d like to do the same and be there. She claims that she does that only during the day when I am at work and cannot go, but still I don’t feel it is fair or right. I don’t like either that she is doing things that I have never seen her doing, like being with a girl, because these couples have bi girls and as far as I new, she does not like girls, but on the heat of those moments, she has liked them.
I am afraid that if I shut that down, she will miss something that she is liking, but at the same time, I feel this guy is getting away with something that I am not completely comfortable with because I am left out. The guy has not talked to me or written a line to me since for months. He only talks to her and if I am the husband, shouldn’t the guy at least have a courtesy call to say that he is finding someone else to play with my wife? Those postings in craigs, I found them… he didn’t send them to me.
Sorry for the long email but I am really looking to hear from you guys because if I’m wrong in my appreciations and I am making things bigger for some insecurities I could have, then I need to know, if I’m not wrong, then I need to stir the wheel into the correct direction…
Your fellow CA listener!”
A. I can see the dilemma here. You have already given your wife free range when it comes to playing with friends. On the one hand you don’t want to take away her freedom to play as she pleases but you are uncomfortable with the change of course with Guy #3. It sounds like you need to sit down and renegotiate your boundaries. The key here is in bringing up this issue you have to reveal how you found out about their escapades. If they did not give this information to you, as you have indicated, you’re going to have to face the possible negative reaction to the manner in which you found out.
Negative and emotional reactions are not going to help you in this instance, not that they ever help in any relationship conversation. You are going to have to find a way to talk about this without having a confrontation. Confrontations that are fueled by anger won’t allow you to really talk about this issue, creating new boundaries, and will make it nearly impossible to come to an agreement. Make time to have a relaxed and open talk about your relationship. Ask for a “state of the relationship” conversation where you can check in and look at where you are and where you’re headed. Non-monogamous relationships often have changing rules and boundaries as you grow and change in the Lifestyle. There’s nothing wrong with adopting new parameters as you learn what works for you, or in this case, what doesn’t work for you.
Hopefully you can both still have a calm and rational conversation after you reveal what you know. You can assure her you’re not asking her to cut off all her solo play mates, you just have an problem with this one. State very clearly that the issue is Guy #3 looking for other couples for them to play with and this does not sit well with you. You would prefer at this time to reserve playing with other couples to just the two of you, not with Guy #3. Tell her all the reasons why this bothers you. Things like; you don’t like her keeping her play with these unknown couples a secret, you don’t feel comfortable with Guy #3 looking for couples for them to play with and you don’t appreciate being left out of the playtime even if it’s during the day while you are at work. Just because she does this when you are not available doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it. There is nothing wrong with expressing your displeasure in this and asking for the boundaries to be modified to exclude this kind of play. You can also be up front about this being kept from you and not given the courtesy of being asked if it was acceptable to play this way.
If you feel you would be more comfortable talking with Guy #3 then by all means ask to. Not all couples require full disclosure or even any communication between a spouse and playmate. It’s possible that Guy #3 may have thought it was enough to have your wife’s agreement to play with other couples. Or it may be been convenient to leave you out of the communication loop if there was doubt you would agree to it. The fact that you suspect his wife doesn't know he's swinging leads me to wonder about his intentions. Either way, you can tell her you would have liked to be included in this decision and in future require that she inform you. Finding why they didn’t approach your for approval is not what’s important here. The need to proceed from this moment forward with more open and honest communication is what is important.
I hope your wife and Guy #3 can understand your position in this and are ready and willing to live with these modified boundaries.