Men – Sexism, Bias, & the Role of Men in Swinging & Polyamory


Men - Sexism, Bias, & the Role of Men in Swinging & PolyamoryWhich came first?   The rotten egg or the spiteful, angry hen who laid it?  Or, more bluntly put, which came first?  The troll of a misogynistic, sexist man…the misandrist female who makes all men (including the good ones) into trolls…or the lifestyle that encourages men to be both bold and trolls at the same time?  These are the thoughts that were discussed between myself and Laz after a particularly nasty night at a club one weekend.

James Brown said it best.  It's a man's world.  Men have been in the driver's seat for most of history.  Sometimes to the benefit of women, and just as often to the detriment.  In the Swinger, and also to a large extent in the Poly world, it's just the opposite.  But this post is to focus on many women in the Swinger world's perception of men.  In the Swinger world, women hold the keys to the kingdom.  Women are given carte blanche access to the venues, while men (even those attached to a woman, in many cases) are viewed as a necessary evil and must overcome many perceptions in order to be accepted at any level.  The bias towards all men seems to be this: You're a sexist, misogynistic, rule-breaking troll until you prove otherwise.  This view is just as true toward men who are attached as to the single male.   At what point can the sneers, dirty looks, angry words, hateful assumptions and overt disgust of the many women in the Swinger world not only drive the good, respectful and right-thinking men away…but even encourage them to become the very trolls they are assumed to be?

Just because they have a cock doesn't mean they want to get into your pants.  If you think so, it's a sign that your ego is out of control to the point where you think any dingus attention is your sole right.  Let's make this clear.  Men are people too. If you, as a woman, aren't treating men as people, rather than as a stereotype of a group…you are just as sexist as they have the potential of being.  You may deride and ridicule the knuckle dragging trolls, but if you do, heap praise upon the men who do it the right way.  The man who comes up to you in a club or at a party and starts a conversation might just be coming up to you to start a conversation.  Yes, the venue may encourage physical exploration beyond the initial “Hello,” and he may be interested in you in a sexual way, but take a conversation at face value and respond as such.  If a guy's opening gambit is “Woooo, Baby!  Your ass sure knows how to fill out that dress!” you pretty much know that he sees you solely as a sexual object and you should respond as such.   If, however, he brings a more polite and conversational tone it would be in your, and everyone's, best interests to encourage that behavior by responding in kind.  Far too often I've seen women ignore men that they feel are beneath them, and that can be at a swing club or on an elevator in an office building.   Just like sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, a conversation is sometimes just a conversation.

Also, can we please do away with this BS, catch-22 that men have to be bold, assured and strong up to the point where we see them as trolls because they are bold, assured and strong? We (as women) get pissed off when men pigeon-hole us in this lifestyle or otherwise, so why should we not think about how we treat them or pigeon-hole them? I always say the number one rule in life is to treat others as you would want to be treated. In this lifestyle and this particular subject, that rule is no different. Treat them with respect, kindness and the type of dignity you wish to have bestowed on you. Because I was truly sickened by what I saw at this club, and where I've seen it everywhere else. Women expect men to come to them and be chased, but then when they are, they are treated like crap. It's unacceptable in my opinion. And since men get labeled as trolls when they stand up for themselves, I'll be glad to express my opinion and hope maybe even one female will hear me.


I'm a poly, kinky, bisexual, Ethical Slut that rides the swinger line. I am a huge advocate for being who you are openly with no apologies. I am just trying to help the world understand like minded people like myself one word at a time. Check out my blog at Or follow me on Twitter @polyforyou


  1. i never understood why single men are discriminated against at clubs by charging outrageous prices and single women are encouraged to the point of free admission?

    • DeanBeckycpl on

      Single men, are discriminated against cause they do not have what every married man has. And thats a good women. Whatever the circumstance may be, surrounding thier sexual position.

    • It might not feel fair, and maybe it isn’t, but the prices are set to attract the single women (who are generally rarer and much more desired by everyone else, couples and single men alike) and cut down on the number of single men (of whom there are plenty).

      • i understand that. but why is it that a couple can easily invite a single woman along, but a single man is treated like a felon?  must stay out of play areas, wear a wrist band…blah, blah, blah. i think if a couple brings someone in, they are responsible for their actions.
        personally, it’s one of the many reasons swing clubs do not interest me.

        • Ethical Slut on

           I agree. There are some instances that I don’t think it is fair. And WeekBiWeek is right, the reasoning is because they are trying to attract more single women which is few and far between in the lifestyle. Many women are attached. Single women tend to be more desirable for some reason to single men/women and couples.

        • You both are ignoring the FACT that single men are a problem in the clubs…such a problem that some clubs have out and out banned them and have voluntarily lost that extra revenue because they are such a hassle.

          Inappropriate touching? Harassment? In most instances, it is single men.

          No many men are NOT like that, but this article and the below comments are a big sob story of “feel sorry for single men”.

          I don’t buy it, sorry.

          I am a woman that goes to swing clubs to meet single men. And I am respectful when I am not interested. I’ll say “no thank you”, on-line I state that just because I am not attracted to you, doesn’t mean that you are not attractive, others will find you attractive, like me, like everyone. No one is universally lusted after. In many cases in person, I do not even say no, I’ll shake hands and say, “It was nice to meet you, have a good night,” and walk away. But sometimes, I am still followed.

          And feminism causes women to be rude to men? Bullshit, feminism tells women to stand up for themselves and to not have sex if they do not want to, it does not encourage women to be rude. Those women are just assholes and feminism has nothing to do with that.

  2. Poly people are never good looking like the models in the article’s photo, they are usually total beta male geeks and pretty ugly women/feminists who crave attention

    • Ethical Slut on

      Not sure  how this has anything to do with the article posted. And I completely disagree. I have met plenty of attractive men and women in the lifestyle. But I think maybe we should stay on topic.

  3. There are many reasons for this to happen. I tell you this: it happens in several countries, in Europe, South America, so it’s a global phenomena. And the concept of “free for woman, charge for males” it happens in mainstream clubs, happy hours, etc.
    Anyway, the root of the problem it’s about demand and supply. Women tend to be less interested into having sex than man, because that qualify them among their relatives and friends as a loser, while winner man are encouraged to have sex as much as possible.
    Feminism also encourages to women to be rude, as a source of power over male demand. Bad thing. Wars about power leads to normal people to suffer.

  4. Men seem to rule the swinging world. They pimp their women to gain access to no strings attached sex with a variety of women. That lifestyle is wrought with jealousy and abuse. Most of the situations I saw, the women thought the men were gross and the guys couldn’t wait to jump on the women, leaving their “partners” on the sidelines. I saw so many relationships end because the wives and gf’s couldn’t take it anymore and the husbands and bf’s couldn’t stop. It’s a mess and make no mistake about it, the men are in charge.

  5. The last comment is completely false. They couldn’t be more incorrect. Talk to any swinger, and you will KNOW the women rule the world. Even unicocks say this. Those are single men. From personal experience, my girl gets more waaaay more than me. I treat her like a goddess she is. I see her have fun, therefor I’m having fun. On occasion, very rare occasion, I get to participate as well. From what I’ve seen by being in the lifestyle for a good while now, is girls/women are preferred over men. That’s the case for both men and women. There were many times when my partner played with a girl, and us guys sat back and watched. It isn’t because she is hotter than me, because when we go to vanilla clubs, I’m the one that is hit on. It is because women rule the swinger life style. It is a fact, not a question, no debate. From experience, I’ve seen it everywhere.

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