Swingers 2: Polyamory Drift


Disappointment is a bitch.

But Cooper, you say, you just got through your expectations revelations I thought. Made you one with the stuff and everything, didn’t it? All zeny… Well, my expectations issue was more to do with parties and meeting new people, had nothing to do with established relationships going south. And why I’m starting to think Marilyn’s “no more newbies” request might be a pretty good idea.

More, however, I think we’re drifting closer and closer to poly in the level of emotional involvement we have with some of our friends. So that when something dramatic changes, it’s disappointing enough to unleash grumpy Cooper for an entire evening. And let’s be clear NOBODY likes grumpy Cooper. So, I figure, if I’m looking at it as a relationship (and why not) I may as well analyze it as such. My disappointment comes from a change of status. Where we were planning to swap, now that’s no longer seeming likely. Wouldn’t be a big deal except we feel as though we’ve been led on. Sounds selfish, doesn’t it? The more I look at it, the more I feel like the asshole whining because he gets to fuck one less pussy. But that’s not it. We sorta feel like we were left out of the loop, led to believe all was well, that all cylinders were firing…then nothing. And it happened twice last week, almost the same situation with two different couples. I guess that’s what really magnified the frustration as I tried to look back to examples in my early dating life of “we need to take things slower” and the like. It’s usually grounded in fear and apprehension, so I can truly sympathize. But I’m afraid when both of these couples independently hit us with the same thing I didn’t react in the calm cool Cooper mode you all know and love. I took out my frustrations, regurgitating to them the thing they just told me was the problem in a rough way: “you both need to figure out what you want and let us know.” They knew this, of course, and I was putting needless and unfair pressure on them to realize or decide, or…I dunno, peer pressure everybody else is doin’ it.  Unfair, for sure. But made me realize that we’d reached another level in our growth. And that’s the poly drift. Swinger couples are magnetically charged to either be attracted or repelled by the great magnet known as poly. We’ve been sliding perhaps more steadily than I’d noticed in the past towards an eventuality of a poly relationship. (or, relationshipS, thanks to the nature of the lifestyle.) What really needs to be kept in mind, though, is the fact that we may indeed be on different levels and have different needs than some of our other swinger friends, and because of that the ever important communication needs to flow like water. And we need to really see how every one of us are on our own journey, with our own timetable and destination. As swingers with multiple partners, unicorns and hall passes, and the inklings of love with certain special friends, we may well be further down that yellow brick road than others. And that’s okay, because we have our own Hippocratic oath, to first do no harm. Whether our needs are met or not, we must support our friends in their needs. And down the line, perhaps, the needs will align and my the sex that will be had then could wake the dead. The relationship and emotion we can share will be truly something mind-blowing. If they don’t, doesn’t matter, because we still have very cool people in our lives. Which is what it’s all about. That’s sorta zen still, isn’t it?


About Author

Cooper S. Beckett is a relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, author of  My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory & A Life Less Monogamous, and the co-founder of Life on the Swingset & host of its swinging & polyamory podcast. He speaks and teaches classes on pegging, swinging, polyamory, play parties, and non-monogamy. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino's radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on his next novel: Approaching The Swingularity.