Bi The Way – Male Bisexuality and Swinging


I’ve been having this conversation with a few people lately, the double standard about bi males in the lifestyle. As swingers we seem perfectly happy (and expecting) that our women are bisexual. In fact, I don’t know that I’ve met any swinger couples whose female portion isn’t bisexual. Some more than others, but by and large, definitely bisexual. Now don’t jump down my throat here, I’m well aware that straight swinging females exist, and probably in a decent sized number, but wouldn’t we all agree that the VAST majority of females in the lifestyle are bi? It’s not really shocking, as even the mainstream vanilla world has embraced girl on girl action in the past ten to fifteen years. So when a lifestyle such as swinging opens up affording them the opportunity to play with girls, well, there ya go, that’s where the bi girl inside comes out. We’ve spoken to many swing couples who revealed that one of the prominant reasons they got into this in the first place was so the Mrs. could play with another woman finally.

That there’s the Kinsey scale. Most of us have heard of it, but I’d wager few have actually seen it. Back right around 1950, when Kinsey did his extensive sexuality research, he found that 11.6% of white males between the ages of 20 & 35 identified themselves as right smack in the middle on the scale. A 3, meaning roughly equal amounts gay/straight behavior for that period of time. Roughly the same amount for females as well…


So there are many conclusions we can draw from this. First that the results could be flawed because it was so bad to admit to any homosexual feelings back then, so gays could be sliding further towards 0 than they otherwise would… But even with a bit of a skew, roughly one in ten men and one in ten women identified themselves as bisexual on this scale…

And that was back when men were manly, right? So with society opening up a bit (‘cuz it has…) and men being allowed to come into touch with their feminine side, it stands to reason that the number would be AT LEAST the same, but more likely higher.

Now here’s where it gets more interesting to me, the statistic I choose to repeat even though I’m sure it’s WOEFULLY inaccurate is that 1 in 70 people are swingers.   We’re going to do some fun math here, with actual statistics drawn from other websites. (so, take or leave the accuracy, this is just food for thought – it’s also been a long time since I did any math with desired accuracy…if my figuring is wrong, please let me know)

There are 309,699,000 people in the US. 75% of them are over the age of 20, giving us 232,274,250 adults. By Kinsey’s numbers (numbers that are over 60 years old) there are 26,943,813 bisexuals out there. So, now if 1 in 70 people are swingers, that assumes 4,424,271 swingers in the US, with at LEAST 442,427 of them being bisexuals. With the ratio of bisexual women being sky high in the lifestyle, wouldn’t it follow that that number is quite low for bisexual or at least bicurious males.

Now, a characteristic I would give most swingers is their willingness to be open to new ideas sexually. Generally speaking, the people who’re going to cad around and just fuck and that’s what it’s all about for them just go ahead and commit adultery and leave the hassle of swinging out of it. So let’s say that half of the swingers,  just over two and a quarter MILLION people, are this more enlightened and open minded group that I speak of. Wouldn’t it follow that those would be more likely to allow for the possibility of a bisexual experience. To try it.

I’ll try anything once, twice in case I did it wrong the first time.  It’s a good motto, and it’s one espoused on MANY swinger profiles.

The day we launched our swinger profile, both my wife and I were listed as bi-curious, because I figured why on Earth, when presented with the unlimited bounty of sexual possibility, would I want to limit myself. Our first couple suggested we change my answer, otherwise we’d get many fewer responses.

So we did.

So why that bias? Many think it’s because bi-males still fall under the unfortunate stigma of homosexuality in the 80s, and the fact that it was quite common to see AIDS as a gay disease back then. (Some assholes still think it is…assholes.) Truth be told, anal sex DOES spread STIs more easily than most other sexual activities. BUT, with a condom, that “more likely” is almost completely negated.

So is it just paranoia about STIs? Doubtful. I think it’s predominantly fear of what your peer group would say. It’s amusing to me the profiles that say “My hubby AIN’T BI, SO WE DON’T WANT THAT!” (the dialect is due to the fact that I specifically saw exactly that quote.) It seems so close to the general homophobia amongst men that says “I just don’t like the idea of him…looking at me…” But just as we’ve had many lifestyle nights that don’t include any bisexual female activity, despite the fact that both females are definitely bisexual, so many people assume that the moment there’s a bisexual male in the mix, it means he’s gonna want his dick in you. (The proverbial you…you know, the homophobic male you)

I’ve spoken to a LOT of bi-males, in the lifestyle, and all but one are listed as straight on their profile. When speaking to couples, they generally realize pretty quickly that I’m 100% open to any kink. Nothing phases me. I may not understand or be interested, but it doesn’t matter to me if you are. (Except those foolish non-exclusive bareback couples…yeah, I’m talking to you! YOU’RE PART OF THE STI PROBLEM!) All it takes is the realization that Marilyn and I are not going to judge them for their interest. So what this suggests is that there are MANY bisexual males in the lifestyle who’d love to come out of the teensy bisexual closet, if only they could be guaranteed that they wouldn’t be judged on too crazy a scale.

So I’ll leave you by trashing an idea, one that I’ve heard all around the lifestyle. This idea that bi-male activity makes you gay.

Well…are your wives and girlfriends gay yet? Because from where I sit they’ve been eating a lot of pussy, and still come back for the cock.




About Author

Cooper S. Beckett is a relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, author of  My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory & A Life Less Monogamous, and the co-founder of Life on the Swingset & host of its swinging & polyamory podcast. He speaks and teaches classes on pegging, swinging, polyamory, play parties, and non-monogamy. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino's radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on his next novel: Approaching The Swingularity.