Cooper’s Fantabulous Polyamorous Confidence Experiment

I project well. By that I mean that I that I can appear to be something I’m not; to the vast majority of people who know the name Cooper Beckett, in fact. And what aren’t I?

Confident.

I know, a total boner killer for all those ladies and men out there who look upon The Beckett and think: Cooper’s got it going on, he knows what he’s doing, he’s all over it. (Or something very much like that, I’m sure.) Because not only do I lack confidence, but I’m then presented with this fact that what girls like most is confidence, which sends me into a death spiral that may not recover from for days.

Or perhaps I’m exaggerating.

But this lack of confidence has its days fucking numbered, let me tell you. Whyfor?

Polyamory.

Before I talk too much about that, though, I’ll take you on a tour of a young Beckett’s life (not Samuel…or Sam for that matter, both interesting gents to be sure [one a bit more real than the other, though {miss my interstitials?}]). In junior high I formed a pretty strong opinion that children of junior high age were assholes. Really narcissistic assholes at that. So, you can imagine I did well with the ladies.

In high school I was the guy that all my female friends wanted to date someone like. They didn’t want to date ME, particularly; despite the fact that I was single, and at their beck and call, just someone LIKE me. In the days before non-monogamy opened our eyes, I played the Facebook game with several of these girls. You know the Facebook game It’s that one where you say “You know, I had the BIGGEST crush on you in High School!” and cross your fingers that they say the same thing. (Though, I wouldn’t have known what to do with them if they HAD admitted to the same…I was, after all, in a committed relationship.)

Two of the girls I’d been most interested in my formative years asked me the exact same thing: “Why didn’t you ask me out?”

To which I had no answer. “You were too perfect!” and “Why would you go out with me?” both seemed the rally cry of the loser so instead I just went with: “I was a fucking idiot not to” and leave it at that.

Swinging has done wonders for my self-esteem, surely. But we were starting from a fairly large hole to begin with, so I’m teetering around the level of a Junior in High School with reasonable amounts of confidence. Once I know that someone is into me, I have no problem whatsoever, it’s just making it to that point that can be the scary road.

I’ve spoken before about my habit of throwing out little pings to see if there’s some interest and, failing a massive ping back, calling it a day. And it’s this habit that served my meager love-life very poorly, because my pings were barely audible in highschool and college. (It’s a downright miracle I asked my wife out!) These days, there’s a bit more flirtation, but it’s still nowhere near where it needs to be to live a high quality and well-rounded life.

Which brings me to Polyamory again.

Marilyn and I are giving it a try. And by that I mean Marilyn is pursuing some relationships she already has in her life a bit more deeply. (Perhaps more down the line, but right now her focus is on having a meaningful relationship with a woman [that isn't ENTIRELY based on sex {just partially}]) For myself, this is about exploring dating beyond our marriage, and social circle, because I’m not currently in a relationship that I feel could grow to be polyamorous in nature. (At least not one that isn’t long distance) Feel free to deride my assumptions about polyamory in the comments…

So as I’m taking this deep breath and trying something that I was NEVER good at the first time around, I begin to see this as an opportunity for self betterment. Not just in learning more about myself, my wife, our relationship, and beyond, because it is all that; but in becoming a more well-rounded person.

So dating. Now. In the glorious future. With the internet and everything. Last time I was dating I was still on AOL, and what a treat that was. What I’m trying to do now is not pre-judge prospective matches the way I used to, in that “well there’s no way they’d be interested in me” way. Because it’s not only counter-productive, but it’s often downright incorrect, in that “well why didn’t you ask me out?” way.

(Though I will still pre-judge mates on political affiliation and religiosity – I reserve that right, and it saves us from LONG arguments on the…secondish dates)

This post doesn’t have a bang finish because it’s just a realization I had. While I’m sitting at my computer. Late at night. After kinda sorta asking someone out online. And trying not to be that guy who stares at the little green ball indicating she’s currently online, wondering why she hasn’t responded yet, assuming exactly what that means.

So this, Cooper’s first new post in a while is entirely just to distract the voices in his head.

But it’s the journey, not the destination, right? Because we all know what the destination is. Everybody gets off at the same stop.

Before I go morbid, I’ll just say…she suggested we get pizza.

:: SWOON ::