One of the most common questions that gets thrown out into the ether by people entering the world of non-monogamy, is “How do you deal with jealousy?” This is a totally valid and important question, but it’s also important to remember that jealousy is a different animal in a polyamorous relationship than in a monogamous one.
Browsing: non-monogamy
Our boyfriend and girlfriend Julian and Hanne are going through a bit of a relationship crisis this evening. They may make a major change in their relationship to add some space between them to allow healing to happen. The intent is not for them to break up, but any major change can be like a seismic shift in the foundation of a relationship and the outcome is unpredictable. It’s a strange to be in a place where I’m worrying about my boyfriend’s reaction to making pivotal and significant changes to his relationship with his other girlfriend. We just don’t have cultural scripts for how to deal with that. What do you do with the compassion you feel for your husband’s girlfriend as she deals with personal issues and momentous changes in her relationship with her other boyfriend, who also happens to be your boyfriend? We get to make it up as we go along.
I mentioned that during Anne’s first full swap that I was on the verge of losing an erection. Well, that happened again and it was worse. Way worse. I know this is a common thing. I honestly didn’t think it would ever happen to me. I just turned thirty and am in the best shape of my life. Now I know how naive this line of thinking really is.
Ethical Slut, in her October 7, 2011 blog raised the question of how much of our “lifestyle” we should share with our children.
The Swingset crew gets quickly sidetracked by business that rapidly consumes the show. Dylan wants to be a Dom, Shira is enjoying being submissive. Cooper assigns the listeners the quest for a high quality strap on dildo that can squirt. We talk about being a switch, Cooper reveals his submissive tendencies, and we realize that we’ve talked far too long to continue the Swinging For Dummies show before next week.
It occurred to me today – well, many times, but I only dwelled enough on the subject to write about it today – that the wedding ring, which once was the universal sign for “don’t even try to flirt with me” has lost that aspect of its meaning in my life. How many people do we know who are happily married and also romantically available? I am on that list.
We continue our “Swinging For Dummies” discussion by moving into how to talk to your partner about your interest in non-monogamy. We weigh the idea of non-monogamy being a “deal-breaker” for your relationship and the future. Also on topic is potential for jealousy, the importance of LOTS of communication, and the excellent resources Sex at Dawn and Opening Up. When all is said and done, it’s important to remember that you’re going to be okay TOGETHER.
Dating is complicated when you already have multiple partners. People have this vision of poly people as having a free-wheeling lifestyle where they date anybody they choose and pick up new partners at the drop of a hat. I’m sure some poly people do that, but it seems to be rare. My experience is that dating people in stable poly relationships is more like dating someone in a traditional Greek or Italian family — all the extended family has to meet you and gets a say in whether the relationship is a good idea.
I tend to fall in love fast. Not necessarily hard, but definitely fast. I knew this about myself, but had honestly forgotten until Anne and I got into the lifestyle. After all, we had been happily dating/married for nine or so years before getting into the lifestyle, I was not actively seeking another life partner. I still wouldn’t say I am. Anne initially said she was interested in exploring polyamory if she found someone she had feelings for. I have stated before that polyamory freaks me out and, honestly, it still does.
We go back to basics in the first of our Swinging For Dummies episodes. But first, returning friend The Professor tells us about Ginger’s panty-less New Years Eve celebration. We talk about the moment when we realized we were non-monogamous and how we dealt with that paradigm shift, how it impacted our perception of ourselves, and where we take that. We talk about cheating and deception while trying to be monogamous. We discuss the impact of monogamy on bisexuality, the complexity of polyamory, and how to begin.