Somehow, in all this time, I've never held a penis pump in my hands. I'm not sure how that's possible. I've seen really every manor of sex toy from the strange onacup single use jerk cups to the appalling $300 limbless torso fuck dolls. But never a penis pump. Even in my pre-sex positive days where I might have considered myself inadequate enough to believe the rather obviously untrue assertion that usage of said pumps will add the big two: length and girth. When Zoe told me she could get me a penis pump for review, I said hell yes. After all, I am a man of adventure.
Behold the Pump Worx Silicone Power Pump from our old friends at Pipedream. The pump is large and made of a clear purple acrylic. Inside it, there's a silicone sheath with symmetrical pea sized nubs lining it. At the top of the pump is a black tube leading to a valve and a squeeze ball to pump (::CLAP::) me up. I took it out of its box and stood it on my desk a while. It's rather imposing. Also included in the box is a very strange cock ring that, unlike most non-vibrating rings I've seen, has more height to it, as well as four arrow like prongs (soft silicone, of course, this isn't a device from Seven) poking out of its sides. A small bag of lube, “thickening cream”, and toy cleaner rounds out the box.
Having never REALLY engaged with a cock ring either, I thought I'd give this a try first, slipped it on and stroked myself to attention. It did as I'd been told it would, produce a more engorged and…well…angrier looking cock than ever before. After a couple minutes, though, the angry veins became disconcerting and I decided to drop the ring (much harder to get off than on) and move onto the main event.
In order to pressurize the chamber, you need to insert yourself and then hold the pump chamber tightly against your body. The silicone sleeve lining the chamber helps to create a seal, and adding some lube to the mix also helps quite a bit. I found it rather uncomfortable and irritating to try to navigate around the nubs inside, and when the pump started drawing blood into my cock, inflation got caught up by these same nubs. I'm not sure their reason for existing, in fact. Unless I'm a VERY large man, I'm not going to fill the chamber, even using the pump for inflation. And I don't think men use penis pumps as strokers, do they. (Do they? Please let me know if I'm wrong.)
After several bulb squeezes, I felt like I'd inflated as much as I was going to, looking a handful of millimeters larger than my normal length and girth. Though these millimeters MAY have just been the distortion inherent with looking through the purple acrylic chamber walls. And alas, as soon as I broke the seal, I was less a god and more a man, as my spectacular Hulkian growth subsided.
As the nubs in the sleeve had irritated me, I decided to try it sans sleeve and with a “sluuuuurp” yanked the sillicone liner out of the chamber. Insertion was much easier this time, though it still gave me the impression of capturing a…hmm…caterpillar…under a mason jar? (I don't know that I'm even comfortable with this metaphor.) Without the silicone gasket at the base, the seal was not as easy to maintain. DAMN MY SPECTACULARLY GROOMED PUBIC HAIR! Again, a few pumps, a less certain few millimeters, a few seconds of “WHEEE! Look at my almost imperceptibly bigger cock.”
So, I suppose it did what it was supposed to do. Sucked air out of the chamber, vaguelly enlarged my cock. The suction sensation was interesting and I could see how some guys might get off on it. It IS a lovely shade of purple. But my opinion on the value of penis pumps has not changed.
(There's little value. Just to clarify.)
Pipedream Products can be reached through their blog, Facebook, and Twitter as well as online at Pipedreamsproducts.com
Full Disclosure: We did not purchase this product, it was sent to us specifically for review. Our policy is to, regardless of how we acquired a product, review it fairly and openly. No writer for Life On The Swingset will ever deliberately mislead our readers into believing that a product is good because of anything we received from the company. We are open and honest, and cannot be bought or bribed. If we love a product, we'll tell you, if we don't, BELIEVE us, we'll tell you that too. End disclaimer.
