BDSM 101 – A Primer for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and Sadomasochism

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BDSM 101 - A Primer for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, and SadomasochismFirst of all, let me say hi.

Hi.

Have a seat. We need to talk…

There are a lot of misconceptions out there that concern BDSM, S/M, S/m, D/s and all other things bondage oriented. I want to take a few moments, bore the hell out of you, and straighten the wrinkles on your brain with a few facts. (Yeah, I really went on that education is power bit. I know. Just stick around, I get better with time.)

Okay, if you have made it this far, then I am going to go on the idea that you have either had some kind of experience, or that you have a bit more than a passing interest, and that you are familiar with key words; dom, domme, domiant, sub, submissive, master, mistress boi, tg, sissy boy, the list goes on…so I'll spare us all… If, for some bizarre reason you felt this would just be fun to read, and you have no idea what these things mean, I want you to click the little back arrow, you are going to be lost, and my mind is so fucked, I will not be able to find you.

All the kids gone?

Good. Let's continue.

BDSM has many parameters, many definitions, and the dynamic varies from person to person, depending on what school of thought they come from (old school/new school…both have their high points) and how interwoven into your life this particular path is for you. It is important to understand that the roles within these guidelines are fluid. The fluidity is amazing because that gives you room as a person to grow. Personal growth is what we are all about, yes? Yes. So, as you grow, your bond deepens and you are able to change how you feel, how things fit, and how you fit in this role.

Now, the reason I bring all this mess up is to get to this; there are a great many myths and misconceptions surrounding BDSM. Admittedly, that is because we, that is, those of us in the BDSM community as a whole, value our privacy. Just like anyone else, we do not want to be judged because our sexual needs are different from those of the people around us. Let's face it; even vanilla people don't like just missionary sex, that's why we have doggie-style and female dominant to back up the white bread. That being said, every person has a fetish, even Reverend Jimmy Joe down in back water Mississippi has a need that is maybe not so far outside of the norm, but that really does it for him sexually. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to only fuck someone from behind, or in the spooning position, or whatever spot fits your spot, but the need to have it that way, and that way most or all of the time, creates a fetish. Fetishes are not bad. Say that with me, it will make you feel like a whole new person to admit to yourself that you are a freak, I promise. It is the most liberating thing you will ever do. I promise.

We have established here that fetishes are not bad, and that almost every person has one. (No, I will not tell you what mine is.) What we really need to be focusing on is the idea that BDSM as a whole is not bad. (I know, I am long-winded, I blame the ADD and caffeine. (I also talk in parenthesis a lot.) Don't judge me!)

No kids, BDSM is not bad. Let me tell you why; because it is natural. Do you know why it is natural? Because being a bunch of whining, emo, meat sack, scared of everything, chicken shit brats, we are all animals. We are mammals. Fuck being human, that just means we have opposable thumbs, control over fire, and useless emotions that complicate our lives; WE (say it with me kids…say it loud) ARE ANIMALS! As animals, we all need to establish our role, and there are only two; Alpha and not alpha.

In BDSM, one person recognizes that the other is stronger, even if only by appearances and that they, the more submissive of the two, are not as capable of survival without the help of their more dominant partner. In the animal world, more often than not, the dominant will feed and provide for, in whatever means, the more submissive counter parts. This bit is important, so pay attention; It is important for the dominant to earn their place by showing that they have the survival of the submissive in mind, in all things. Likewise, it is important for the submissive to be at ease with the fact that they need this help, and that it is okay to have that need (see! It's all linear!)

For the human animal, the provisions that the dominant should be making are pretty complicated. The human dominant needs to be thinking about the things in the submissive that they, that is the submissive, are either unhappy about, would like to change, or may just need to explore further. It takes a bit of mind reading on the part of the dominant; there is the reading of body language, understanding of psychological ticks, and a great deal of reading between the lines. Listening is an elemental skill that is required; even more ideal would be the ability to verbally communicate the things being seen, so that the submissive understands these parts of themself, and is able to process how they as a person are changing and in what measure. (Holy Shit! There I went being linear again!)

If the dominant is doing their job, if the submissive is listening, learning and doing their job, then progress in both people can be made, and the relationship that seems so fucked up that is has to be hidden (Oh….Fuckin' Snap homie…she just went full circle! Like time warp man…I'm tellin' ya!) From the prying, misunderstanding, judgmental, small-minded outside world.

Welcome, kids. We have such sights to show you.

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About Author

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Southern grown, Eastern Seaboard born, I am a crafter of words, painter of minds, and seductive succubus. Hell bound, sarcasm bent, cool, confident and super ninja awesome.

2 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Well, good morning Ms. Doe. Very nicely stated. I appreciate your perspective. I am looking forward to what else you have to share. I am personally interested in your thoughts concerning the development of D/s relationships, with or without sex. Also, where do you stand in the spectrum? Dominant, submissive, or switch? And my last thought, how do you see BDSM, or kink, fitting in with an Open Lifestyle?

    I look forward to your future entries. Welcome aboard Ms. Doe.

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      Jack, 

       In some of my up coming entries, I have addressed the things that you have asked about. I realize that does nothing for your immediate quandary, and I apologize for that, but patience is a virtue.

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