Swinging Advice: Jealousy, Unicorns & Nerves

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swinger advice, advice about swingingWe here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don't hesitate to ask!


Q: I am very interested in delving into a more open / alternative lifestyle with my partner. I've been listening to your podcast and the lifestyle resonates with me and in theory I can see myself going there with him (my partner) in the future. Right now we are looking for a woman for a threesome and would want to start out soft swap. Here's my question…how do you deal with the jealousy issue as a newcomer? Like I said, in theory, him and I discuss this and it's hot but at the same time the thought of him and another woman sexually involved without me makes me uneasy. Another issue we come across in our discussions is his uneasiness with me and another man. He is completely okay with my playing with a woman, but the conversation gets dicey when I bring a man into it.

Any advice on how to reconcile fantasy and desire with the real world would be much appreciated! Also some background info on us, couple in our late 20s and early 30s who have been together for 2 years.

Lara

A. Well Lara, I can tell you that the way you are starting is perhaps the most difficult way to do so. Single women are called unicorns in the swinging lifestyle for a reason, the one that is just waiting to have a threesome with you is one of the hardest possible to find. That said, there are single women out there who would be interested in playing with you, my wife and I have found a few over the years, but you'll have to do a lot of work to get them.

Beyond that, though, the fact that you are both uneasy with the idea of your partner being with a member of the opposite sex should make this conversation draw up to a “we're not ready” almost immediately. Your uneasiness with him and his uneasiness with you are two strikes against this open relationship from the get-go. I'm not saying that it can't work in your situation, but you do have to really examine your desires and decide for yourself whether or not you can handle the jealousy that is almost sure to crop up the first few times.

Most of the people who are best at the open relationship lifestyles are ones that explore and embrace compersion, who love the idea of their partners with someone else.

My advice would be to continue to explore this idea in fantasy play for a while, as it's definitely not something you want to rush into. And while you're fantasizing, join Kasidie or another lifestyle website and begin your search for that elusive creature, the Unicorn. Discuss between you and your partner what the bottom lines are with your uneasiness, and whether you think it's something you can move past. But do not for a minute think this will be easy.

Hope that helps,
Coop

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About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.

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