What Counts as Cheating For Swingers?


Jealousy in SwingingSo this is one of those blogs about a bad swinging experience. It was a misunderstanding. It’s all cleared up between Mr. Doubleplay and I, but it caused hurt feelings. And I believe that we’re stronger as a result. I share the details since hopefully it help other couples avoid dramas of their own. Because, truly, drama sucks in the swinging lifestyle. It should be fun. Vanilla life is drama enough!

The first mistake we made was not clarifying the line between dirty talk in the bedroom and what we wanted actually to happen in real life. After our weekend visit with the Ws (mentioned in previous blogs), we were getting ready to say our good byes. Mr. Doubleplay came up to me and said, “I’m going to help Lady W pack!” and headed to the bedroom. All of our kids were in the house and it wasn’t necessarily feasible for us all to join in. But I became increasingly uneasy about what was taking place in the bedroom. I had mentioned to Mr. Doubleplay during a hot round of sex just between the two of us that I would love if he would sweep Lady W away and had his way with her as a ‘welcome to our house’ gift. I didn’t really mean for him to do that, but he did.

Finally I grabbed Mr. W and went to find them. We ended up locking the door and having a wonderful time altogether, culminating with amazing orgasms all around. The kids were none the wiser. The visit thus ended well but I was left with an uneasy feeling in my stomach the next morning that grew larger by the hour. And when I rehashed the day before, I realized that it felt like Mr. Doubleplay was cheating. My unease was due to a lack of communication. I don’t fault the Ws at all. The drama was between Mr. Doubleplay and me.

I was upset because he didn’t ask but told me he was going off to play. We didn’t make the decision as a team. I couldn’t have ended the situation at that point without a lot of drama and a very awkward end to the visit.

I also was upset because he didn’t try to arrange a situation in which we could all play together. To Mr. Doubleplay, he had issued an invitation for me to join them. To me, it sounded like he actually didn’t want me to join them all. I thought wanted alone time with her. Ouch! That’s not how we roll.

Having the chance to talk it over with Mr. Doubleplay that next day helped us to iron out our concerns and uneasiness about the weekend and affirm our new “we play as a team and as a team only” strategy that I articulated in a previous blog. Ultimately, the disagreement helped us to get greater clarity on what we are looking for in the swinging lifestyle.

The awful event also reminded me that it is so important to clear the air after such an incident happens. I initially was concerned to bring up the incident to Mr. Doubleplay. I didn’t want any more drama about the situation. I was worried that he wanted to be alone with Lady W, and probably in part because they hit it off so well in the past. So jealousy reared its head again.

In the future, I want him to choose to play as a team because he wants that too, not because he was afraid of what my reaction would be. Thankfully, our talk clarified that we were actually on the same page. Mr. Doubleplay had wanted us to play together. Our cues were off because we were not at our best that weekend because the whole weekend had thrown us off our lifestyle game plan. The ways in which Lady and Mr. W. played were different than ours. We need to remember in the lifestyle that our identity as a couple needs to stay firm for the rest to be fun and drama free. Reaffirming our goals as a couple and talking about the tough parts as much as the fun parts is critical for Team Doubleplay to remain a healthy, supportive, strong couple.


Mrs. Doubleplay is 40-something mom living in the middle of America with kids, a career, and pretty house in the suburbs. She’s active in her local church, coaches the kids’ soccer games, and happens to have a secret life as a swinger. Married to her high school sweetheart, Mr. Doubleplay, the couple dipped their toes in the lifestyle for a couple of years but then dropped off the radar to have kids. They rejoined the lifestyle in 2005 and haven’t looked back. They have been soft swap from the start but are working their way toward greater forms of adventure as we meet hot couples on lifestyle vacations, swinger clubs, and online websites.


  1. swinging is cheating. I did it to keep my guy happy and in the end he cheated anyway. Don’t do it! If a guy wants to swing run! He will never be happy with one woman and he will always make you feel like you are near enough. Truth is, he is never enough.

    • Any guy willing to belittle anyone else isn’t worth anyone’s time. I’m sorry your husband cheated on you, even after you were willing to push your own boundaries and try something new.

      Swinging is -not- cheating. Swinging requires all partners communicate truthfully and agree mutually to the choices they make. If that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t happen. Cheating is still cheating, swinger or not.

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