So I’ve Been Told I’m a Facilitator


Hi Everybody!

I'm Dylan, you might remember me from such podcasts as “Life on the Swingset, Episode One” and… well that's really it.

On that first show I believe we hit you with a new term, “compersion”. We didn't hit on it too much, though we'll discuss it in future shows, but I think it deserves a short explanation. Cooper described it as “… the opposite of jealousy” in the podcast. I understand it as the enjoyment of watching someone you love experience pleasure with someone else.

I'm not defining compersion by talking about the sexual kind of enjoyment of watching someone you love experience pleasure with someone else (though I tell you… there's plenty of that here), I mean just good old-fashioned satisfaction and contentment knowing that … someone you love is having a great time.

I had an opportunity to really experience it this weekend, we met up with a pair of couples. One couple wanted to play amongst themselves, the other couple we'd played with before… well, the last time we met I played with the -very cute- young woman, but my wife Tonia was dealing with her monthly cycle and didn't want to bring that into a sexual situation with a new partner… or anyone else really.

Note: I am a proud owner of a shiny pair of red wings.

But since the woman and I played last time, I kind of wanted to pay the favor, the trust they showed in us forward just a little bit. (Trust that I wasn't just taking them for his wife and we'd part ways without being mutually satisfied.) Tonia is/was definitely interested in the male partner who she describes as having a little bit of a grunge, rock star look, and she definitely liked the female partner, so I signaled a “you two should go grab him and go” play and watched her squirm a bit.

This was the “good kind ” of squirm.

Soooo… while Tonia was out of the room I mentioned in the least veiled way possible that Tonia wanted the two of them and that when she got back they should go go go! I felt like a little in your face laying down of the cards was a good play, and it was. The three of them left to a bedroom and had a fantastic time. All the while I sat and chatted with the other couple who had a good time, and I'm sure had some plans for later in the night.

Eventually everyone said goodbye and parted ways, and I hadn't been intimate with anyone. But you know what, Tonia had a fantastic night. The couple Tonia played with had a great time. I was satisfied. That's compersion.

I'd made sure to pay forward a little faith by prodding just enough to get the three of them to play together, and facilitated a very good threesome. (You know it's good when you get a text message later in the night saying, “I smell like Tonia” from the female partner)

So, that's really all. I had a great night even without directly participating. 🙂


As a co-host on Life on the Swingset and creator of The Gentleperverts' Social Club, Dylan Thomas speaks candidly about nonmonogamy, kink, and non-normative sexuality to eradicate the stigma and shame that keep people from expressing and being who they want. He brings awareness to issues involving gender identity, equal rights, and intersectionality by creating discussions with people who feel unaffected by them. He also creates learning opportunities for men to become stronger allies and better people. Find and feel free to engage him on Twitter.


  1. May not be a bad idea for us to discuss the fine line between facilitator and manipulator…you weren’t a manipulator, but it’s something I find fascinating…

  2. Sometimes it pays to let people go ahead of you. Building up “brownie points” for fun and enjoyment later.

    • Oh… oh definitely. 🙂

      Believe me, it ended up in quite a bit of fun the next time we met!

      It also shows we’re flexible, we’re not tied to a rigid one on one or group setting, if someone’s not feeling well, if someone’s not able to come, there’s still plenty of good old fashioned fun and intimacy to be had.

    • I’ve definitely found that being gregarious and generous in the lifestyle significantly improves the experience. Especially when you’re hanging out with other gregarious and generous folk.

      • I love the reposts of old articles! Gives me a chance to read through stuff I missed out on.

        I agree with you, by the way. Being good, giving, and game pays dividends in almost any situation.

  3. I think I definitely "walk the line" between facilitator and manipulator. I manipulate other to facilitate what I want but is it really manipulation when they are happy that the event or play or scene or whatever happened…food for thought. 🙂

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