Cooper Answers a Savage Love Question With Dan Savage

Hey all! Cooper here. I was lucky enough to be asked to be a guest expert on Dan Savage's Savage Love column. This post originally appeared here on January 21, 2015

I live in a small city in a semirural area. I'm a single woman and am attracted to the idea of an underground swinger scene, or something similar, as a way to get some attachment-free action. But everyone around here knows each other or knows of each other, and something like this would be buried way underground. I'm convinced a swinging scene exists here, but I have no idea how to find it. Those who strike me as the people who'd know are people I wouldn't want to ask. So aside from Craigslist, which I do not trust, how does one go about finding the swinging scene in a small town?

Small-Town Girl

“It's a shame none of the ‘swinger identifiers' that have been proposed—like white rocks in the front yard or a black ring worn on the right hand—panned out, because they would make finding swingers easier,” said Cooper S. Beckett, author of My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory and host of the Life on the Swingset podcast (lifeontheswingset.com). “But the swinger scene isn't as underground as it seems, so she shouldn't have to dig too deep to find it—even in her small town.”

Beckett recommends—and I hope you're sitting down for this—going online, STG, where you have options other than Craigslist. “The wonders of the internet make this far easier than it used to be,” said Beckett. “She should sign up for one of the many swinger dating websites, like Kasidie or Lifestyle Lounge or Swing Life Style—but NOT Adult Friend Finder, which is full of fakes and cheaters (and they nickel-and-dime you foreverything). She can get a free trial and search for swingers in her area. If there aren't many people, try the closest bigger city. Whichever site has the most locals, buy a month and go to town. Another great alternative is Meetup.com, which has been a real boon for kinky people—and it's free! She can sign up under a pseudonym if it helps. Then search for nonmonogamy or swinging meet-ups in her town or the nearest big city.” Follow Beckett on Twitter @CooperSBeckett.