That same night I run into Lisa. “The main reason why I am so bummed about breaking up with John is that he was amazing in bed. Now I’m back to my old fuck buddy and he is just not going to compare.”
Both ask me separately that night, “How are you doing? What’s up with you?”
As a married person I can’t say, “I too had some of the most amazing sex of my life this weekend.” Because it wasn’t with my husband. And that would be—Inappropriate? Weird? Scandalous?
Here’s the thing about my single friends’ fuck buddies. They have them because there are no strings attached. No drama. No relationship issues. Just fun sex, detached from the humdrum boring nature of every day life. There’s a bit of adrenalin attached to it. A bit of secrecy.
Well, me too. But since I am married, it’s completely inappropriate in the eyes of even my open-minded friends. So I remain in the closet. I don’t like being there but in this small town, I will be branded with a scarlet S for Swinger if I share my secrets. So many others are whispered about as swingers, and I don’t even think they are. People love to talk about them in this town as the pariahs. I don’t want to be on that list.
Lisa always tells me, “You’re so lucky to have such a great husband. I hate the dating game.” I AM lucky to have a great husband. But what I would love to chat with her about is how I hate the dating game as well. The plans that fall through. The build up that fizzles. The flakiness. The awkward conversations when you know it’s not going anywhere. “Lisa, I know what you’re saying!” I want to tell her. But being in a “monogamous” relationship for 22 years shouldn’t give me the tools to sympathize. But that one amazing night can erase weeks of swinger scheduling frustration.
Fuck buddies seem to be an increasingly common term in the urban lexicon of adulthood. Perhaps there is a quiet revolution going on or maybe the term is just becoming more common, but I don’t know a single girlfriend who doesn’t have a fuck buddy. And they glow when they speak of them. It’s fine to speak of them openly in a crowded bar. High fives are exchanged. Approving glances are given.
Really, why is swinging considered so different?