As something of a pinko commie queer, I tend to be cautious with sex toy reviews. On one hand, I get excited when packages show up in the mail and I love having a reason to romp and play sexy times. On the other hand, do we need all this crap? Does the world really need more batteries and shitty plastic and pieces of crap sex toys that break in a week and get manufactured as eco insensitive bullshit?
HOWEVER, primates are a tool making species. I use all kinds of tools and we’re all out looking for the most effective ones. Sex toys are awesome fun. Capitalism will always leave you with a hangover but it’s fantastic to see sex toys start to experience an artisan renaissance and greater public consciousness on some of the chemicals that are totally toxic like phthalates. Here are five sex toys that have taken on legendary cult followings for their erotic potential.
Disqualified: The Rabbit
I fucking hate Sex In The City.
Runner Up: The Pocket Rocket
This was the first vibrator to many largely due to its easily shopliftable size and frequent appearances in novelty stores. This stupid little toy did have a clever design, packed a pretty powerful bang for its league of battery, and it makes a lot of people feel really guilty and horny. It had the right kind of name and brilliant product placement strategy perfected by the tobacco industry.
Rock This Outlaw Cock
Vixen Creations is a fucking awesome company. They’re based in San Francisco, make their cocks in house with a team of hard working and dedicated cock artisans and they are super connected to the sex positive community. These folks have been ready with a bag of cocks for me when I was working on consent advocacy. A bag of cocks! They take care of educational programs and community outreach. Rad people making a rad toy.
They also make a fantastic product and it was Arabelle Raphael who once said it best to me, “Vixen is the Cadillac of cock.” Cult status means a devoted following and I know more than one queer that won’t get fucked by anything else. Vixen knows how to make cocks that are candy for the eyes, smooth to the touch, and feel good anywhere you care to stick them. Size queens won’t be disappointed by the size and girth of the Outlaw but these cocks are sublimely squishy. They don’t neglect to make cocks of smaller sizes as well because not everyone likes the deep dick dishes in the love buffet. Feminist pornographer and smut producer Maxine Holloway made her directorial debut with an erotic short titled, “The Outlaw” and it featured a lust and devotion for this very special dick and friend of the queer community.
The Outlaw is a cock that can be enjoyed alone or in an ASLAN harness. ASLAN is another awesome company where the person in charge of the shop loves the product they make. Get harnesses from someone who knows and loves them. An easy honorable mention to this list would be the ASLAN “Bondage Belt” which is one of the original casual SM options for daily wear and sexy play.
Who would have thought it was the whimsical twists of the Aneros that would get a lot of men interested in prostate stimulation? Maybe it was the small size, maybe it was the sleek marketing, maybe it was the appeal to science but somehow it worked. This is the toy that made anal play a possibility for totally straight men without it being treated as fetishistic, perverse, or particularly queer. It was a metrosexual toy to go with a metrosexual time.
What makes this a cult sex toy is the fact that it endures even if it isn’t really “the best.” There’s no one who will say that it’s the worst. It’s the only butt plug you could imagine being sold at The Sharper Image. The key to this really is to read through the instructions. It’s subtly high tech and squeezing it can help someone get in touch with their prostate. A lot of folks who would never buy a butt plug sought out an Aneros.
A pocket pussy wasn’t a new idea but the Fleshlight took penis masturbation aids to a new level.It is the “#1 Selling Male Masturbation” toy in the world and that’s due to the fact that someone took the idea of a making a nice hole to fuck seriously (but with a good sense of humor). Fleshlight makes a wide variety of masturbation sleeves including BBWs like Kelly Shibari , alien, and stamina enhancers that actually focus on extending self aware masturbation rather than numbing agents.
Some clever folks even adapted fucking machines to utilize Fleshlights in the place of dildos for a hard and fast fuck. The Fleshlight turned what had been previously viewed as the loser end of the sex toy spectrum into something much more normalized and it spawned its own imitators and innovators.
Behold! The Moleskin of the queers. The stuff squirting porn is made of. When people talk about the Njoy they talk about how heavy it is. It really is heavy. Without fail someone’s face will light up as they smize at you and you will be reminded that you could kill someone with an eleven. Will TSA let you take your eleven onto an airplane in your carry-on? Maybe not!
This is a toy that was absolutely championed by queer porn. It tapped into some part of a collective sexual subconscious where we kind of want to fuck with a billy club. It glimmers with a preternatural shine. It is revered. It is totally associated with squirting.
I had a friend who was embarrassed about her masturbation despite being active in the sex positive community. She was poly and kinky and her boyfriend was poly and kinky and he had a Hitachi Magic Wand because that’s pretty much like having a bible in your sex positive household. When she would go over to his house, she would find his Hitachi and sneak quick orgasms on it because it would take her less than five minutes to come. I have no idea how she got away with it but she managed to pull the trick off for quite some time.
This sex toy rattles the ground like an earthquake, plugs into a wall, and it more or less synonymous with orgasm. This toy is so cult it may have transcended into a full blown religion. I am a devout worshiper of the Hitachi Magic Wand. People bury their dead Hitachis like beloved pets. Will we know how to come when the power goes out?