When to Walk Away – The Swinger Date Abort Button

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Swinger Date Abort ButtonLearning how to politely say “no” is an important skill in the Lifestyle. It is especially so when going on a date with another couple. We try to choose our dates carefully by reading their profile, looking at pictures, and having an email exchange. we look for quality pictures that are in focus and give us a sense of who we might be meeting.

The written profile is just as important. We are extra excited if we find wit, intelligence, and humor in the paragraphs. Really short profiles or profiles with many misspelled words and grammatical errors are a red flag for us, as are blunt or rude comments.

We also pay attention to certs–the messages from other couples that assure that these folks are the real deal. We are cautious if a couple has no certs. Couples could be fakes, or very new.

Occasionally we find an A+ couple with great pictures and a great profile. Usually we have great experiences with A+ couples, even if it is just a pleasant dinner conversation. But often if we are able to arrange a date with an A+ couple, it is a truly fun evening.

Couples we label as B+ have some flags. Maybe it is hard to tell what they look like from the picture. Or we have a feeling from the way the profile is written that we won't have too much in common. We enjoy fun dinner conversations or laughing over drinks.

Living in the middle of nowhere, though, we take risks on the B+ couples because otherwise we wouldn't have many dates at all. With a bit less than a 50% success rating from making a connection to actually meeting in person, we need to spread our net wide enough to catch something. Yet we need to keep it narrow enough that we don't set ourselves up for bad experiences. Sometimes we are pleasantly surprised that the pictures didn't do the couple justice. Or that,on paper we didn't have much in common, but in person we shared a similar sense of humor or loved to go dancing and built a connection that way.

We took a risk recently while on vacation at the beach. We found a night when we could sneak away, and we found a couple willing to meet with us. We waited nervously at a very empty bar where they suggested that we meet. My hopes fell as soon as we saw the guy. He was older and heavier than his pictures, but worse to me was that he was in a sloppy t-shirt and unshaven, and just generally looked disheveled. The girl (and she seemed like a kid really) was little and kind of cute, but had a sneer to her face that made it hard to warm up to her and a new giant tattoo on her arm that unfortunately didn't turn out very well.

Even then, we tried to make it work. Sometimes first impressions change if folks are fun. Instead, we had a painful conversation. Nothing in common at all. Awkward silences. I kept trying to quiz them on their lives, but they had little to say and didn't ask us much in return.

Plus, the girl would sneak away to smoke (big turn off for us). And they weren't drinking at all–another big turn off. In the past we have found couples that don't drink at all tend to not talk as much, making conversations awkward. Even worse, transitioning to playtime is a lot harder with sober people, at least most of the time!

Still, the guy made several invitations for us to return to his place. Mr D. and I kept looking at each other across the table but realized that it was going to be very hard to have a conversation to check in. In our brief 20 second chances, we both said, “I don't know. It's up to you. I could go either way.” With so few chances to be out, we definitely have trouble calling it off.

Calling it quits is hard for us–especially when we finally make plans with a couple and a date is planned. We have arranged child care, we finally made a connection. We groom. We get excited. In hindsight, the night was a train wreck but until the last-minute, we were really trying to make it work.

In general, when we arrive on a date and we are not both clearly starstruck, we have to decide as a couple what will be our limits. Plus we need to get over our disappointment. On the one hand, we wanted to be clear with one another whether either of us was truly interested in the other couple. If so, we needed to be sure the other could be satisfied enough to “take one for the team.” That sounds awful perhaps but I know that I enjoy seeing Mr. D.'s face light up as much as my own interest, so I am fine with playing with a couple in which the guy is sweet and fine enough if Mr. D. is in heaven. And he feels the same about me.

If neither of us are starstruck, then the question is when is it not good enough for either of us. In the heat of the moment, we really try to make it work. But if both of us are unsure and on the fence, how long do we let it go? That was the feeling last night.

Even though we have been in the Lifestyle many years, we have never had to walk away from a date before. Last night, I finally decided to end it. I grabbed Mr. D's cell phone and left the bar to make a fake phone call home to check on the kids. I came back telling a story about the one still not being asleep and that we had to head back. We were so sorry and maybe we could make a plan another night.

On the car ride home, Mr. D and I realized we needed a better system for communicating and deciding how to call it off. He had said he wished that I had my phone in there so we could text each other across the table. We also needed some verbal cues when we for sure wanted to call it quits.

Despite our somewhat awkward ending, I must have told Mr. D five times in the past day how glad I was that we got out of there–before we went to their house and things really went south. Something felt wrong, and it wasn't until we left the bar that I could really hear the alarm bells ringing in my head.

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Mrs. Doubleplay is 40-something mom living in the middle of America with kids, a career, and pretty house in the suburbs. She’s active in her local church, coaches the kids’ soccer games, and happens to have a secret life as a swinger. Married to her high school sweetheart, Mr. Doubleplay, the couple dipped their toes in the lifestyle for a couple of years but then dropped off the radar to have kids. They rejoined the lifestyle in 2005 and haven’t looked back. They have been soft swap from the start but are working their way toward greater forms of adventure as we meet hot couples on lifestyle vacations, swinger clubs, and online websites.

7 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Great post! Early on we were so happy to be out with like minded folks and made the big mistake of accepting their offer to to go back to their place. They were fun, but we weren’t interested in playing. Rookie mistake on our part for sure. But it can be so hard to get out that we understand the desire to make it work out. Equally hard is being out with a couple you know you want to play with (or have played with) and find yourself under the weather and have to call it. Ug!

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    George and Ann on

    A wise move.

    Maybe we’re more rigid than most, but one of our rules is that the first meeting is always a get-to-know-you meeting in a public place and we simply don’t play on a first date.

    Maybe we’re pickier than most, but far fewer than half the first dates generate enough chemistry to be interested in a second date.

    Maybe we’re more sensitive than most, but photos that don’t match the reality will have us making that first date REALLY short.

    Just our $0.02

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    We have a simple communication that we use:

    If I don’t feel a connection, I ask my wife if I can buy her my favorite drink – not something she’d ever want. If she accepts, then we both aren’t interested in taking it further and after a minute or two, I kindly begin to explain to the other couple that we aren’t interested in going further. If she instead asks for something else, I know she’s interested in continuing the conversation…

    As to breaking it gently to another couple (only had to do it once) I begin by asking if they’ve ever not clicked on a meetup… if they respond positively, it’s an easy step to letting them know that we don’t feel a spark…

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    Having been happily sober for nearly 20 years and having been happily having fun sex with a variety of folks in that time, I must say that you’d really be missing out if you decided against a date with me and my partner based on that criteria. I have no trouble chatting without a drink (or 17 as would be my preference if I were to be drinking) or doing anything else fun and exciting. I do wonder a bit, though, about people who need a drink to relax and chat.
    Otherwise, this was a thoughtful and well reasoned post. Too bad you limit yourselves that way.

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