Ask A Swinger: The Vanilla Pick-up

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This weeks question comes from a couple who are hoping their friends are into swinging like they are:

Hi Tyler!

My husband and I have been swinging for only a couple months and we haven't had a whole lot of experience.  We go to a Pub Quiz every week, and we've been noticing a flirty other couple there who've made some not-so innocent sounding comments and we think they may be swingers too!  Do you have any advice for bringing up the subject, or for figuring out if their swingers?  Or are we over-analyzing this way too much?

Help Us!

Two Cautious

TC,

Swinging for a few months, and you're all ready to start converting all your friends to share this wonderful scene you discovered.   Good for you, but you may want to think things through a little better first.

I think there's a tendency when any one is just starting out in the lifestyle to evangelize.  After all, swinging is all about sharing, so why not spread the love with people you know, or at the very least, the people you know and have always wanted to fuck.  Converting your vanilla friends may sound like a hot idea, and its a strong fantasy for both new and experienced couples, however, the reality of it is sticky, and not in a good way.

My stance on this is that a couple needs to come to the decision to open their relationship on their own.  It’s a very intimate decision, and no matter how much you want to play with that couple, its not your place to nudge them into it.  However, you could let them know that it is an option.  You could tell them you have an open relationship.  That will let know for sure if they're into it, or not.  But there's a strong chance you'll scare them off.  And I really have to caution you on this one because you're new swinging yourselves, and odds are you're reading too much into what they're saying, hoping there's more to it than just flirting.

You have ask yourself, what do you know about this couple?  Are they really vanilla?  Are they adventurous? Maybe they're just flirtatious and that’s that.  For all you know, they could be swingers– but you don't know, and unless you really know that they're interested in opening up their relationship, all you can do is flirt back and have a good time with them.  Let them make the first move.  Let them find their own path.  Get to know them better as friends, and maybe they'll open up more to you, and you can open up more to them.

All this reeks of effort though, because there are lots of couples that you already know that have made the decision to swing. They've talked about it, they've set guidelines and boundaries, they've got a profile up on a website, they're attending some swingers event, but most importantly, they're ready.  There's a world of couples out there for two of you to explore.

I can only recommend picking up couples that you know have already made the decision to swing.  Picking up couples at vanilla events sounds really attractive, and could be a huge boost to your ego… but the consequences are far less predictable.  Its challenging enough to find drama free couples that you know are swingers.

Enjoy,

Tyler

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    I think that in the situation you describe, first check with your
    partner, then split up and start flirting with the couple. Escalate
    the situation to touching. If they're in the lifestyle, they'll take
    over from there.

    But first check with your partner, definitely. If you try to do it
    alone and the other couple see you're flying solo, they will get
    creeped out if they are not swingers. Or they with think you don't
    have your shit together if they are swingers.

    Just my two cents

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