Swinging Advice – Overcoming Guilt Over Playing With Others

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swinging, polyamory, & non-monogamy adviceWe here at The Swingset are always happy to help with any questions or concerns you have, please don’t hesitate to ask!

Q. We are recently married (few months) and have had a couple “experiences” with another couple. Long story short…after the bars we go back to our place and the girls start usually start making out and one things leads to another and we have ended up having same room sex with them a couple of times. My wife always feels guilty afterwards and claims she doesn’t want to do it again, however; we have ended up at their place more than once. Also, when this has happened, she has been the wettest she has ever been.

Since reading your blog I know that communication is key and want to be able to discuss, but when she isn’t drinking she kinda of shuts down talking about fantasies and has said multiple times that “we aren’t swingers.” However, it seems like after a few drinks, she always accepts the invitation to go back to their place knowing most likely that playtime will be involved.

Do you have any suggestions/guidance on how I can get her to open up more, maybe a scripted conversation or some bullet points so that I can probe this more? I feel like her mind is telling her one thing and her body is telling her another. Since this is all new to me…I’m not sure what is the right approach to take. I’m extremely excited that we have had these adventures, but want it to be something that we both enjoy and not regret after doing it.

Any suggestions or advice would be greatly appreciated.

Curious in Chicago

A. Well, Curious, you are not alone! I happen to know quite a few people who go to that “we aren’t swingers” insistence when pressed. It’s a defense mechanism, of course, the way people will rail against the thing they love, while all the while feeling incredibly guilty about.

Unfortunately, by and large, swinging and non-monogamy are still these things that you SHOULD feel guilty about if you subscribe to many older variations on “common decency.” It’s something THOSE PEOPLE do. So it seems like your wife desperately would like to do these things, and is falling back on the old “well, I was drunk, I can’t be expected to hold back when drinking…or playing strip poker…” or any of the other lies we tell ourselves when what we want is something outside the mainstream.

I think the best you can do for now is try to normalize the behavior. Continue to see this other couple. Talk to them about things, perhaps before the alcohol starts flowing. Talk about it the way you would about having a BBQ or any number of other “wholesome–God-fearing-American-activities” you might have.

Next, buy Opening Up and put it on your wife’s bedside table. For us, all we needed was the assurances that we weren’t (fill in the blank: evil, awful, hedonists… [well, we’re definitely hedonists…]) and we were rarin’ to go.

If she clearly likes this open activity and will even admit it to herself in the moment, then time, my friend, is all you’ll need.

And, of course, a lot of that old-fashioned communication! Good luck!

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About Author

Cooper S. Beckett is a relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, author of  My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory & A Life Less Monogamous, and the co-founder of Life on the Swingset & host of its swinging & polyamory podcast. He speaks and teaches classes on pegging, swinging, polyamory, play parties, and non-monogamy. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino's radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on his next novel: Approaching The Swingularity.

1 Comment

  1. Love website. My guy and I would like to find a club where you could watch a couple but not swing. Maybe a little bondage in St Louis MO? Do you know where we could go? Thanks Amy

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