Greetings From the Deep End!


This lifestyle, swinging, affords moments unlike any other.

Watching a gorgeous, sexy girl wielding a nine inch silicone cock and putting it to your wife is one of those moments that is almost indescribable. Unique in every sense of the word. One of those moments where you lean back, and after thinking “it’s good to be me,” and “this is amazing” you begin to think “this is the deep end! how the hell did this happen? how did I get here? one minute I’m swimming around in the three foot shallows and the next there’s strapons and fisting.”

I’d always been jealous of the glamorous people, those people we see on television and in movies, the rockstars, the celebrities…but then I realized that they seem to have very poor monogamous relationships by and large.  Even nice guy/role model Tiger Woods; great at golf, bad at marriage. Bad at communicating. Bad at “figuring it out.” They have regular monogamous relationships at least until they fuck them up by cheating, lying. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of swingers cheat and lie as well, but by and large these people, the beautiful people, the elite, the key players in our nation, they don’t have what I have.

Openness, honesty, sexual freedom. And damn wouldn’t they be jealous of me for having it…

It’s a fascinating idea put that way. Because we are the elite in this case. The (approximately) one in seventy people who identify as swingers. We are the ones who can make them jealous, because we’ve figured it out. We’ve learned how to play this game, to do this unique and coveted dance out on the raggedy edge of sexuality, one where we can be ourselves, where we can be honest about what and who we want (except for bi guys, but that’s another story) and where we can, by and large, find like minded friendly people who want nothing more than to pleasure us and themselves in all manner of filthy ways that’ll bring us to the office the next day with a smile we cannot explain because we still can’t believe it happened to us and not in some letter to Penthouse. <DEEP BREATH!>

“Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me…”

I’ve known I leaned toward openness for about the last ten years. And for nine of those I sat idly by and said nothing, did nothing. For the very reason that I’d wager more people don’t experiment. Simple words, simple phrase, heard all around the world: “My husband/wife would never go for that,” often accompanied by a deep sigh. These words are heard all the time by us and swingers like us when we regale friends with stories of exploits the likes of which they didn’t know even existed outside of Cinemax After Dark.

And that’s what interests me most about that statement, that “they” would never go for it. (The they being the prim and proper, the good girls and good boys, the friendly, the Christian, the upstanding citizen, the husband, the wife, the THEY.) But all of us are they to another. I know for a fact that my wife didn’t think I’d be okay with her experimenting, in whatever way that was. I believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the answer to “what about swinging?” would be “what about you get the fuck out…” There’s no way that my once Catholic wife who’d only kissed one boy before we met, dated, fucked, got married, got bored…there’s no way that she’d be interested in threesomes, or group sex, certainly not double penetration with a tall blonde in the back and her husband in the front. No siree, not a chance.

Because it’s about communication, isn’t it? When you ask a long time swinger what keeps it going (besides the sex with others, that’s a given) it’s that they talk to their spouse, and understand where each other actually is. It’s not about this perceived reality of their partner, a perceived reality where, like the Madonna/Whore complex, I could never smack her ass, or call her a bitch and pull her hair till it hurts the way she likes it (because she wouldn’t tell me she likes it), and I could never tell her I want to eat her cunt, nice girls don’t have cunts, they barely even have pussies, they have vaginas that must be treated well, right?  RIGHT?!

And if my wife is the Madonna, and my potential mistress is the whore…well, that’s a pretty major communication break down, now isn’t it. Mistress here can be anything you like, from an actual in the flesh affair, to phone sex, to cybersex and sexting, to even looking at porn on your computer while you pull your own cock. Those fantasies in your head can get pretty dark and scary sometimes if you’re not willing to open yourself up to your REAL sexuality, to look it right in the face and admit to yourself that I’m looking for THIS.

But admitting it to yourself isn’t the final step unfortunately, it’s that rough patch, the admitting it to your partner, the one who would never go for it, whatever it is. The sweet and innocent, or the angry and jealous.

Because it was only when the admission happened, and I specifically told her that I was having trouble because I’ve been wanting to see what it’d be like to fuck other people, and I flinched, because I saw something flash in her enormous green eyes that made me, all at once, regret what I said, want to take it back so desperately, but I misread, as I’d misread her desires for so many years, because after a deep breath came the answer I never expected:

“I’ve been thinking the same thing…”

And I’ve learned more about my beautiful and wonderful wife in that year and a half since that moment than I had in the nine years leading up to it. Certainly more about her sexuality and desires. She’s learned more about me as well. So what is it? What separates us from the the glamorous people jumping from bed to bed and collapsing seemingly every relationship that they start? (It’s possible I’m glancing in your direction Brad Pitt) I can’t state enough how much more important REAL communication is, not just talking, honesty, being up front with what you really think/feel/want. It may feel pretty shitty to tell your spouse you’ve been thinking about other people, but it’s far shittier to just go fuck them.

Look at me, proselytizing, spreading the good word of communication all over this land of ours. I’m of course not saying that anyone who talks about swinging with their spouses can becomes swingers. In fact, you’d better be prepared for that conversation to blow up in your face. I’m more speaking about knocking down those perceived walls between you. The “I don’t want to upset” wall, the “they’re not that dirty” wall, all these things which may not actually exist except for in your mind.

‘Cuz it was communication that brought us here. The deep breath, the let go, the say what you want. That’s what led to nine inch dildos and DP. That’s what led to many of the greatest friendships we’ve ever had. That’s what led to, for the first time in our lives, the feelings that we were where we were supposed to be, body, mind, spirit. Finally figured it out.

And all we had to do was GET OVER OURSELVES, take a deep breath, and jump into the deep end.

After all, you can’t get wetter than wet.


About Author


About Cooper Cooper S. Beckett is the co-founder and host of Life on the Swingset: The Podcast since 2010, author of swinging & polyamory novels A Life Less Monogamous and Approaching The Swingularity, and memoir My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory. He teaches and speaks on swinging, polyamory, pegging, play parties, and coloring outside the boundaries of your sexuality. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino’s radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on two instructional non-fiction books, one about beginning non-monogamy, and another about pegging.


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    I can't tell you how much I love this post. I often look at my life and think, "Wow, this is MY life? How did I get here?" And (usually) I mean that in the best possible way. And the truth is that I got here because I just went for it. I created this life. My husband and I started out open, so I didn't have to go through the stage of wondering how to bring this up. I never had to fret over the "will he go for it," "will he leave me," "will he think I'm a whore," questions. But sometimes I wonder if I could have stayed with my ex husband, a wonderful man whom I left for this new life, if I'd only talked about this with him.

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      I'm glad it reached you, Misty. This was one of those posts which happen frequently for me, where I start with a goal very specifically in mind on a specific topic, and by halfway in, I realize I'm actually talking about something very different, so different in fact that I'm forced to revise the first half to bring it more in line with the second. I'm constantly amazed by the life I've built with my beautiful wife. The life that 9 years of being together couldn't bring us. The life that only rock bottom could show us. It's fascinating to me that my wife's facebook statuses for the past two weeks have all been variations on the themes: "I've never been happier" "I'm exactly where I want to be" "I love who I am" Never thought I'd see that. Never thought I'd feel that. Really amazing.

      Thanks for coming by, Misty…I've already downloaded one of your podcasts, look forward to getting to know you more.

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    I had a big long post to make here, but I deleted it because it got way too ranty. I'll just summarize.

    This post comes off really snotty and elitist. That's all.

    I'm sure you can imagine the other things I have to say, you've probably heard them before.

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      Was it because I said "we are the elite in this case"? Sorry you found it to be so, but really, I do think that the majority of the world is stuck in outdated values and the sense that it's better to cheat than do what we're doing. I think it's frankly ridiculous.

      But unlike other elite groups, I want to extend an invitation to everybody…

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    Great post. People who are afraid of the word elitest are probably doing somebody else's bidding. I think the key to your post and the key to open relationships is not something only swingers have, its just something many swingers have in spades. Communication skills. And the bravery to use them. Being honest is the idea, always, but some folks aren't really able to be honest because they refuse to know themselves. They have a false idea of who they are, who their partner is, and just create a big old illusion of a life for the outside work and their own delusions to follow. So you dared to say what a lot of us feel. Good for you!

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      Thanks for the amazingly kind words. It really is amazing how simple the idea that HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY really is when it comes to sexual desires.

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    Cooper –

    Once again, through the goal post! I cannot begin to explain my path through these revelations. Its complicated but yet so very simple and logical! Just stick to the common truths that you are taught from childhood and it all makes sense (oh did I mention shed a big chunk of what the c***** teaches?). Eventually after lots of honest (and sometimes difficult) discussion we took the leap! What a wonderful life! We were always close and have only grown closer. Thanks for sharing your post. It only validates what we all know but that some are afraid to say!

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    The Other Professor on

    Not sure how anyone could think this “snotty and elitist”; it strikes me as grateful and authentically amazed at your good fortune. Some folks just have their “resentment-o-meter” turned up to 11…

    Anyway, Cooper, nicely done. I particularly appreciated how you pointed out that self-acceptance is a necessary condition for this journey. It seems like it should be easier to be who we are, no? Yet all those internalised messages of “smart people aren’t sex fiends” and, yes, “sex is dirty”, take tenacious root making them very, very hard to displace. My own desires for sexual adventuring started when I was a young teenager, yet I was in my late 30s before I even mentioned it to a partner. That internalised sex negativity eliminated 20+ years of fulfillment that I could have been having, years that you just can’t get back.

    Thanks, too, for reinforcing the need for emotional steel when bringing this up…that conversation might not go well. In fact, it went rather spectacularly poorly the first time I had it, which then resurfaced all that latent sex negativity all over again. However, we only live one life and it’s absolutely no use not going for what you really want. It took some time and a few partners, but my GF (the other Ginger…damn you guys for stealing our most logical pseudonyms!) have begun the sojourn to swingtown. This is in large part because of the good offices of the Swingset crew that makes swinging sound fun, smart, and entirely consistant with our liberal sensibilities. So thanks for this article, and thanks for all that you and the rest of the Swingsetters do. Cheers,
    The Other Professor

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      Thank you for your extremely kind words, and I’m sure that Gin and Prof are thrilled that there are OTHER Gingers and Professors! I do think the hallmark of elitism is exclusion, and I have no interest in excluding anybody except those who hate (and therefore exclude themselves).

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