I guess I can’t blame him for this turn of events. Maintaining a long-distance dating situation was hard, especially with the complications of the lifestyle added to it. We hadn’t established a concrete relationship, and only seeing each other once a month inhibited us really getting to know each other. Despite all of that, I liked him. We got along well, things had been very easy and carefree, no stress, no headaches. Our chemistry was awesome, the sex was fantastic. He agreed with all of these things, but said that he never gave his ex a real shot at a relationship, he still had strong feelings for her; he wanted to see where things went.
The thing that was annoying (well, one thing- there were many), was that she was a completely vanilla girl, no LS leanings whatsoever. It made me jealous that they were going to have a “real” relationship, building and getting to know each other, not even talking about bringing other people into it. Although OSI and I hadn’t played with other people, and he certainly hadn’t been chomping at the bit like PS did, I knew it was a situation that was looming in the background for us, and it made me nervous. He was a self-proclaimed voyeur and having been in the LS so long, he’d said that he would want to continue- to watch me with someone, and of course, to be able to play with someone else. I didn’t question him at the time, but it did make me wonder- how could he be so comfortable with either of those scenarios with he and I being so new? I struggled with feeling a tiny bit jealous when I thought about it, how could he not? So now, that he was back with his ex, and that wasn’t even on the table for them, it made me wonder- maybe he just didn’t care about me all that much. Maybe he was just a kinder, gentler version of PS? I didn’t think so, but I couldn’t be sure.
The timing of his decision sucked, too. It came only a few days before I was scheduled to visit him, and just a few weeks before our planned trip to a LS takeover in another state together. I’d purchased all kinds of things in preparation for it- outfits, alcohol, snacks. Friends of mine (and his) were expecting us to attend. One couple I knew specifically decided to go because I was planning on being there. I felt terrible about that. I was really looking forward to going, to seeing the dynamic. And even if we did end up playing with others, I didn’t think there would have been drama. He said he’d leave it up to me. But all of that is now off the table.
All of that being said, I wasn’t angry with him. He was honest, upfront, and considerate about how he broke the news to me. He very well could have kept me strung along while he dated his ex and I would have been none the wiser, since I was in a different state. I appreciated him trying to do the right thing. He seemed conflicted and even sad about ending things with me, and heard me out and understood my perspective on things. My ego was bruised- who likes to be dumped, told that they aren’t enough? My feelings were hurt, too, but I understood.
Regardless, now I’m back at square one- a Reluctant Unicorn. And now I’m at a crossroads. I’m wondering if it would be better to just go back to “vanilla” dating and give up the LS for awhile. I don’t think that I will miss the sex or playing at all- hell, I hadn’t really been doing much of that anyway. But I would miss the social aspect of things if I met someone completely vanilla. Being able to be around my friends, flirt, be sexy, affectionate, have that sexual undercurrent, heck, even the parties, have become a part of my life. I’d seen other friends struggle with trying to integrate someone “vanilla” into this world, with varying degrees of success, and I didn’t know that it was truly possible, unless both parties were on the same page and had the desire to be a part of it.
I don’t really see another option, though. I’d been on a few of the various LS websites- the single guys who contacted me all seemed too pushy- jumping right to the sexual without even trying to get to know me. I didn’t like that, and I didn’t want that. I actually wanted more of a relationship, not just sex. I tried to convey that in my profile, stressing that I needed to get to know people before anything physical happened, but I suppose many people skip reading the profiles, they only look at the pictures. Regardless, it was annoying to have to explain it over and over.
So.. here I am. My friends took me out on the Saturday that I was supposed to be with OSI, got me tipsy, and we had a great time. It cheered me up and took my mind off of things with OSI. But now what?
