This is yet another place where I feel I can draw very strong comparisons with being kinky. Not only in that it raises the bar for potential partners, but also in that it is very easy to say “yes, I don’t need monogamy” without really thinking it through. The same way it is easy to say “yes, I will spank you” without truly knowing what that implies or means to the person requesting it. Furthermore, as I discussed last week, there is a difficulty in definition. People are naturally wary of stepping into relationships that don’t have a structure they are familiar with, and whilst I can make the way I handle relationships as clear as day – and that is helpful – I can’t do much to change the fact that most of the people I want to date have grown up in a society saturated with the idea of long-term, monogamous relationships.
Don’t get me wrong: I am not short on offers from potential partners but, and forgive me for perpetuating stereotypes, they seem to mostly be from men who believe I will be open to helping them cheat, or from men who are only looking for casual relationships. Whilst I am not quite comfortable (yet) under the term ‘polyamorous’, what I want is much closer to that than to swinging. I would say I am settled somewhere between progressive swinging and polyamory, but I am hesitant to use either term until I’ve had more practice – I am still a novice, after all. So whilst casual relationships may be fun – and they are! – I’m simply not looking for any more than I already have at present.
But it’s not all bad news! Simply identifying as non-monogamous has brought other people in non-normative relationships out of the woodwork – perhaps not as fast or as many as I would like, but they are appearing! Also, although I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to be converting people whilst I’m still learning, I am getting more “Huh… that never occurred to me” responses from people who would usually identify as monogamous, and maybe some of those people do go away and re-evaluate their love-lives. I’d like to think so anyway.
And, of course, there is another answer to my problem: I need to connect with more non-monogamous communities. It sounds scary to me, but – and here comes another BDSM comparison – when I realized I was kinky, I had to find communities for that as well, and although it took me some time, I did it! And I can do it again. And this time I’m at an advantage, because being in the world of kink and sex writing, I happen to know a handful of openly non-monogamous people I can ask. I just need to pluck up the courage to ask. But… perhaps I’ll wait until my exams are done for the year. Maybe.
