Our first swinger experience was just a week ago. So, we weren’t really sure about the party. We decided on one basic thing. Ask the other person before anything happens. A few hours into the party Anne had been receiving a lot of attention, which isn’t surprising. So a man asks her if she wants to “make out.” Anne asks me, “Can I go in the other room and make out with him?” At the time we were standing in the kitchen, I was a bit hesitant but I said, “Sure.” After all, what is the big deal if she goes in the living room and makes out with this guy?
I continued to chat with the people we were talking to as Anne leaves the room. A few minutes later it sounds exciting in the living room. I follow the crowd that way. As I scan the room I don’t see Anne anywhere. Now I am a little concerned, but she can take care of herself. I continue to chat and whatnot. Then someone says, “Where did your wife go?” That was it. I needed to find her and I needed to find her now. It was a three level house. So, I went downstairs first. Nope, nothing there but coats and shoes. Then I headed back all the way up to the bed room. Nope, nothing there but a naked guy on top of someone on the bed. Not knowing what to do or where she was I went to look at the sex toys on display. Only then did I realize that the naked man was on top of Anne. He is starting to go down on her and she looks at me and mouths something. In shock I simply gave her the come here hand gesture and said, “We need to talk.”
Anne and I escaped to the bathroom. We started to talk and I basically turned into an emotional train wreck. I was one hundred percent not okay. I was upset, but it wasn’t focused at Anne or the guy. Anne had basically, in my mind, taken the one rule we had, ask each other before anything happens, and ignored it. Three major things stand out as crossing the line we agreed to when I said she could make out with him. One, upstairs to the fuck room was most definitely not the other room. Two, he was totally naked. Where the hell did his clothes go? Three, her underwear was off. In my perfect world, she would have stopped and questioned what was going on at those three places. Instead, she seemingly completely and utterly disregarded the agreement. In my mind, it ceased being the other room when they went to the room people go to fuck in. It ceased being making out when he got himself totally naked and again then when he removed her panties. They were so far past the line we had agreed on I was in shock.
As we are talking in the bathroom the man knocked, stuck his head in and apologized. I assured him he had done nothing wrong. I still felt like an ass, but when you are the on who is throwing the flag on the field I suppose that is to be expected. I kept running it through my head. What would have happened had I not walked in the room right then? Anne assured me she would have stopped him, but how can I take her word at that having already in my eyes broken our agreement. I wanted to believe her with all of my heart. After a long while in the bathroom we decided to make our exit from the party. A good call as I had been on the verge of crying for a while now.
As soon as the car door shut it hit me like a truck. We drove home in silence as I steered the car down the road through the tear blurred vision. We talked for a long while that night. It is the next morning as I write this and I sit here and wonder. I wonder, is this all worth it? I wonder, is it time to take the next exit off the road to Swingtown? After all, the relationship between Anne and I takes precedence over everything else, always. She won’t disagree. I know she will be saddened but she will agree if it is what I need to do for us. I wonder, am I overreacting? She didn’t do anything we haven’t done before, but still my trust, the very base of our relationship, has been rattled utterly and completely. I don’t want it to break and bring the whole thing down like a house of cards. I am totally lost. I have no idea what to do or how to proceed. I never expected it to be this hard. I didn’t expect it to be an easy journey, but this… this might be more than I can handle.
44 Comments
I agree with the previous commenter. First yes, take the exit, refocus on yourselves, and get back on solid ground. As a very wise person said to us when we started this journey, “Swinging can light a fire; it can also burn the house down.” Be careful.
Swinging brings more than a sense of sexual adventure and becoming less jealous, it also requires real emotional and mental strength and that is where I believe your wife let you down. From the way you described the events, it sounds as if it wasn’t a lack of communication (your mutually agreed upon guidelines certainly seemed clear and reasonable) but rather when push came to shove, she did not stop doing what she wanted to do instead of honoring what she agreed to do.
Contrary to popular belief, swinging is not a physical or sexual free-for-all and in fact, requires a great deal of self-restraint, perhaps more so than in the “vanilla” world. One has to have the ability and be willing and able to say “no” even when you do not want to, or when you’ve had a couple of drinks, just because you either said you wouldn’t or are unsure of your partner’s reaction. It appears as if that’s where she started, with “is it okay if….” but somewhere along the line, her inner resolve let her, and you, down.
There is plenty of time. Taking a break or stepping back is a good thing. If you make it through, you’ll both come out the other side not just better swingers, but better people. She can develop more inner strength and the increase the ability to assert herself, you’ll have a greater understanding of the limits and depth of your ability to assert your own needs as well as to forgive.
Best of luck to you,
Ivey
, “Swinging can light a fire; it can also burn the house down.” I love this quote- OH how true it is! Luckily we have not burned the house down, and only the lighting a fire has happened. It is ONLY due to talking about things and not taking one for the team though, no matter how great the chemistry is on one side. (Often there is always one with more chemistry than the other).
I agree with the others. You seem very eloquent in putting your words on paper and trying to understand your feelings. You handled the situation very maturely. Kudos to you. Many would not have handled the situation so well.
You HAVE to/MUST take a break till you can sort things out. Making out and MAKING OUT are two different things. Whether or not they went all the way, it still hurt you and broke the trust. Work through some communications and rules again before trying the LS or LS parties again. I would also recommend a swinging in same room rule or even same bed for awhile to see if that helps.
“Swinging can light a fire; it can also burn the house down.” – Excellent quote! It is absolutely true, thanks for sharing!
Him & I have been in the lifestyle for a few years, but haven’t had the opportunity to fully get into it until now. We’re easing our way in and making sure to get a couple rules in place other than the basics..a couple interesting experiences make you re-evaluate those ‘everything goes’ rules!
She broke the rules you set up,she was going to fuck the guy . In my book she cheated I wouldn’t ever feel the same about her again.how the hell could you!!
A broken trust is not easy to recover from. Trust me—it’s taken Dawn and I ten years, and we are still working on it. What I did was far worse, however, and we weren’t addressing the problem for nine of those years, so I don’t expect it will take you as long as that. 🙂 You climbed up on the swing set because you had a solid relationship, and that’s what you need to fall back on.
There are some lights in the darkness. Let me see if I can point them out…
1. You were absolutely right in pulling the hand brake. This tells me that your boundaries are strong. Dawn still wonders if she could throw a flag on the field to stop play that makes her uncomfortable. In fact, she feels guilty if she feels like she “gets in the way” of me having experiences with others, even if those experiences make her feel intensely uncomfortable and afraid. We’re working on both stretching and strengthening her boundaries; you seem to have them firmly in place and working well.
2. You were mature and responsible about your feelings. You didn’t take it out on your wife or the man, but realized it was something you had to deal with personally. Despite the broken trust, you still demonstrate a willingness to have a conversation about what went wrong. Anyone who has the presence of mind to avoid that is on solid ground. You cried… so what? You get to express your feelings in the way that you feel is most appropriate for the situation. You did not attack or project your feelings on anyone else. You owned your emotions, and that’s something you should be proud of. You are ahead of the curve.
Communicating is an important part of the healing process. Both of you need to be able to bring your feelings to the table and express them in a way that does not attack; you must also be respectful and non-judgemental of the other’s feelings. Try to identify what caused your reaction, and what you can both do about it. To rebuild trust you must want to trust her, making yourself vulnerable in the process. She must be willing to accept restrictions on her behavior as you rebuild this trust. Dawn and I have taken these steps, and every moment I let her know that she has me for reassurance, love, and support. I welcome her feelings of insecurity; they are my chance to prove that I will not hurt her.
What you should take from this experience is the importance of being specific, and defining terms before you engage in activities. What is sex? What is making out? Where is the “other room”? What steps and levels of activity will you require check-in to ensure that everyone is comfortable? In the meantime, of course, there is no shame in stepping down off the swing set. Your relationship is vulnerable right now, and shoving off before it’s seaworthy will only bring disaster. There are many more storms in the sea.
Abandoning the ocean of swinging entirely over a relatively small leak, however, might be overkill. My advice would be to put swinging on hold until you’ve established a working trust, and answered some of those specifics that you both need to know in order to be comfortable and safe while playing. Ironically, you probably won’t be able to completely believe in that trust until it is put to a test—until you jump back on the swing set and see your efforts in action.
Yes, I realize this may be old news to both of you—but humor me; I enjoy reminding myself how important trust is in a relationship, whether one is on or off the swing set. 🙂 I do hope things are better for you now. You are both very brave (far braver than Dawn and I) for even attempting this journey, and you have been given the opportunity to reach an understanding about each other and forge an even stronger relationship. Use it to enrich your lives and make it as fun as it can be.
I just realized that I wrote nearly as much as you did in your article, Jack. I apologize in advance for the wordiness. 🙂
A SMALL LEAK? REALLY DUDE, did you actually say that? She went upstairs to the fuck bedroom and the dude was totally naked and on top of her and was getting ready to eat her out and she had her panties off and you called her a small leak. I called Niagara Falls.
She flat out cheated and said fuck the rules and anything else that we had established before coming here. Trust? I know how I could ever trust her again because she was full on cheating.
You reap what you sow. Both of you are at fault as you both violated the most sacred vows of them all, your Marriage vows. Additionally, you knowingly broke 2 of the Ten Commandments in the same night; Adultery, and Thou Shall not covet they neighbors’ wife. The only judgement that matters here is when you stand before the Almighty God.
oh.
my.
god.
You’re hilarious.
Yes, self-restraint is so hard sometimes. We went through a similar situation and after months of therapy – and really, at the time as well, I KNOW that my LACK of Self-Restraint had nothing to do with HIM(spouse). It was a very selfish, weak thing that was all about me. That piece of it is really hard to convey and to understand, but I think that it is key as well. Basically the consequences were not thought through….and the reaction was equal to the action. The laws of physics come through again!! Good luck!
My heart goes out to you. I experienced a VERY similar situation the first time my wife (of 17 years at that time) ventured in to the world of swinging. We had the same agreement – no separating, no sex unless we both agreed, and safe sex always. At the party we attended, there was a room where they had a Sybian machine, and a group of women asked my wife if she would like to join them to try it out. The women said that it was “girls only” – some of the ladies didn’t want guys gawking at them. She asked me if I was ok with it, and I said “sure”, and away they went. As wrong as this may sound, while I didn’t at all like the idea of my wife having sex with other men in a separate room, the idea of her with women was kind of a turn on. Long story short, there were 7 or 8 women in the room, and 1 guy, who owned the Sybian (I had no idea he was in there – apparently 1 of the women was his wife). While I waited outside, my wife had a good time with the other women, and in the course of events, ended up giving the guy a blow job during her turn on the Sybian. As it turns out, she actually initiated the blow job – felt him up, unzipped his jeans and pulled them down. To make matters doubly worse, the guy without warning came in her mouth (who DOES that?). When they finally came out of the room, and I saw the guy with them, she quickly told me about what had happened. I have to tell you, you handled the situation with your wife much better than I did. A wave of complete rage came over me. I’ve never experienced anything like it before or since. It was completely unexpected – a side of myself I didn’t know existed. I did manage to exit the party with my wife before it came out, but I can honestly say that it was the darkest, most painful night of my life. Now, 3 years later, it seems a little crazy that I would react like that. Like you, though, I felt completely betrayed. We only had a couple of rules, and she broke both of them while I waited outside like a fool – and to top it all off, I was the one who ended up being the “bad guy”.
I only have a few words of advice, but I hope they help. People aren’t perfect, and they make mistakes. It took a good while to get past my anger and hurt, but time does heal. We did continue in the lifestyle after a fairly lengthy break, and our marriage is stronger than it’s ever been. Hang in there, and know that it will get better – forgiveness truly is divine.
Good luck!
No way on gods green earth would I forgive her for doing that. Did you go to a situation like that trust and rules are number one priority to keep with your partner and she decided to just say fuck all the rules and I will do what I want to do but I believe she thinks that she received a pass because she came directly out and told you what happened, bullshit divorce court here we come
Thank you for candidly sharing what was obviously a very painful experience. In our past, we too have been in situations where we’ve had to pull the handbrake then spent months (!!) getting back to good. This is before we were officially in the lifestyle and we didn’t have access to all the experience of swingers who came before us. Well-run websites like this on are also a phenomenal resource… but you already know that. 🙂
I think that what is probably most pressing in your mind is how to fix this. Not how to avoid this from happening again necessarily, but rather how to stop feel crappy about it.
You’ve already done the first thing right and have forgiven yourself (and your wife by extension) for what happened. You recognize that you didn’t fail as a couple, but rather the situation was a failure. This is a important step… you will never get passed this without it.
The next step is to make a plan and make it as detailed as possible (Brian covered this very well):
1. Who you can play with (couples, single guys, single girls, etc.)
2. How far play can go
4. Where you can be relative to each other (same room/same bed, same room/separate beds, separate rooms, etc.)
3. When to check in — frequent communication is important
While the plan is important — essential. The *most* important step to feeling better about yourselves — and this may sound weird — is to *try again*. It’s like the old adage about being thrown from a horse. The best way to rebuild trust and confidence is to take what you have learned and get back on… as a couple 🙂 You will now have a plan in place and when you work it, together, as a team, you will only improve. With every success, you will feel more connected, more trusting and you will have more and more fun.
Where I disagree with Brian is that I think you should try again sooner than later. Ms Swap Fu and I found that spending a long time thinking about what went wrong in the abstract is a lot like trying to learn to fly an airplane by reading a book. It doesn’t work. If you try to fly a plane without taking lessons, you are going to crash. But that’s not the plane’s fault… you were just unprepared. Just like you cannot learn how to fly by reading books, you cannot learn to swing by just thinking abstractly about swinging. You have to do it, each time getting better. So why not start getting better now?
So with that, I’m adding another item to the plan above:
4. Recognize that you are going to make mistakes, which will require adjusting the plan
🙂
The idea that everybody on here is talking about this as a small mistake to make is absolutely ludicrous
I’m so sorry to hear your difficulty. Sometimes in order to find your boundaries, they have to be crossed – it’s not necessarily a bad thing, just an unpleasant part of the process.
Think about it in terms of the rest of your relationship too – if you had had a conflict about shopping at the mall, it doesn’t mean you would never go to the mall again! It would just mean that you would have to communicate more about going to the mall to avoid conflict (I know a simple example, but it makes the point – my husband hates shopping with me so if we were going to the mall I think it would require more negotiations than a swing party!)
Also, I would say that you should try to not just focus on trusting your partner to stick to the agreement, but sometimes you have to trust your partner’s judgement. My husband and I had this very same conflict, and ultimately it came down to the fact that while both of us WANTED the other one to check in with us before they did something, it is hard to be the person checking in and not feel like you are a child checking in with a parent…Once we both understood that when you get into the heat of a moment, saying “stop, I need to go ask for permission…” is very uncomfortable, we understood that what works for us is not trusting that we “stick to the plan” instead, it is far more important to trust each other’s judgement.
Hope this helps. I know it is a lot to process, and it is going to take time, but it really does seem like the problem you are having is not about swinging per se, it seems that it is about THAT event and THAT communication breakdown. You’ll both pull through, just don’t forget to communicate and heal like you would with any other fight/issue.
::hugs:::
Comparing her breaking all the rules and having a dude almost having sex is laughable on its face. Unbelievable that you would actually make that comment
Thank you for sharing your story. Having shared our own cautionary tale (the blog entry entitled “Douchebagopolis…”) only 3 months ago, I can tell you that the intensity of the feelings fades. Our experience helped us clarify what experiences we want, what situations we are comfortable with, our boundaries, etc. It also made me a bit less naively trusting of people in the lifestyle. That might sound like a negative, but it was more of a realization that not everyone is as honest as one might hope.
We “got back on the horse” too quickly and it wigged me out. Luckily, that experience was with a couple we knew well and trusted. We talked through it, Mrs. Said and I talked more, etc. After a couple more good experiences in the intervening months, we are 100% good. I no longer feel burning anger towards the offending character in our swing-gone-wrong story.
We are more cautious, more selective. And no longer seeking out a single to join us. But we are having as much fun swinging as ever. Whether you decide to swing again or not, with enough communication you will get back to OK!
I wish you the best!
What in hell were you doing at a swingers party???!!!
You think you’re “sophisticated” but you’re not. You may be a really nice guy, but you are NOT ready for a swinger’s party with your wife.
I read the responses about “rules.” Crap!! The’re are only two rules for a swinger’s party. The first is not to go if you insist on rules. The second is if you’re past rule number one then have fun.
Men and women go to swinger’s parties or orgies, if you will, for only one reason – To Fuck! And when they Fuck they do so so to enjoy themselves.
When I go to a sex or fuck party I want to orgasm and enjoy sex for sex sake. I don’t want to hear some guy say “Well, gee, Martha, I didn’t think you were actually going to suck his dick!” Of course she was!!! That’s why she’s there!
Get real……
I fully disagree…and this may well be the reason YOU go to swinger parties, but our community of swinger friends are awesome, we love spending time hanging out talking to them. Yes, we do fuck them, but that’s only part of the reason.
And criticizing someone for thinking they’re sophisticated for looking at parties differently than you….perhaps you’re the unenlightened one.
You are wrong … plain and simple
Now what if it were you disappearing to a fuck room leaving your wife to wonder what was going on? Would you expect your wife to forgive and forget? There’s a reason many people get involved in the lifestyle only while single, sewing their wild oats as it were without hurting a significant other deeply, many times beyond repair. She does it once to you she’ll do it again. You’re only kidding yourself if you think otherwise.
This is a very negative comment…
Yeah chief it sure as hell is.
I have lived that similar night myself. I honestly think the hardest part for me was her reaction to my emotional reaction. She didn’t feel as bad as I did. She didn’t feel great but nothing close to the pain I felt. We have moved on from our experience and used it in the bedroom a time or two but it still gets at me from time to time. Take care and for and thx for blogging ,
Hey guys – First let me say that I’m sorry you had such a bad experience. This is supposed to be fun, and something like this situation can really take the wind out of your sails.
I think this may have been a simple case of a misunderstanding, and a difference in definition. I think this would be especially true in the case of a couple that is new to the lifestyle.
She may have thought that she had permission to play when she received the OK to “make out” in the other room. Was it specified “make out ONLY”? If not, then you can see her point.
My partner and I are very different when it comes to rules and boundaries…I have very few boundaries so I tend to set my parameters a little wider as far as what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. There are things that really don’t bother me that would probably bother others, so this is where being painfully SPECIFIC with boundaries and definitions of what constitutes what comes in to play.
Honestly, we’ve been in the lifestyle for about 2 years and our rules have changed 180 degrees from when we first started. There are things that we’ve softened on, and some things we thought would be OK are off the list now. Sometimes the only way you find out what is acceptable and what isn’t is to experience it once. You know by the feeling you have after that experience has taken place whether or not it will be on your acceptable list or not.
Would love to hear how things ended up turning out for you both and how you’re doing today.
You’re saying in so many words that if you jump off a cliff and you survive, it is OK to trade again if you jump off another cliff and hope for a different outcome. He was very pacific when he said make out, he didn’t say go upstairs into the fuck room and get butt ass naked. She knew that but she does disregarded all the rules that they had set. Stop making excuses for her actions.
We made our first visit to a swingers club while on a vacation to Vegas. Nothing sexually happened at the club, but we had a great time. She enjoyed the attention guys gave her asking her to dance and following her with their eyes. It made her feel sexy. I liked watching guys watch her. We returned to the hotel to have some of the best sex in years.
During a trip to Fort Lauderdale months later we visited a very nice club. Not knowing how we felt about seeing each other with someone else we set up some rules. Always ask permission if one of us finds someone interesting , we play and stay together, and absolutely no penetration. I made it known that I did not bring her to these clubs just so some other guy can get laid. She was good with this. At the club we danced together, she danced with other men, she kissed a guy or two, we watched other couples have sex, and we had great sex together in the club and at the hotel. This is exactly what our sex lives needed.
On the next trip to Vegas months later we returned to the same club. This time the gentlemen we more aggressive. One fellow who she danced with several times asked her for a kiss good bye. I said ok when she asked my permission. They went to a near by hall way for this kiss. I was uncomfortable with this at first, but figured what the hell … I don’t care much for him and after the kiss he’s leaving … so much the better. A few minutes pass and both are still gone. I went to the hall looking for her only to find them in a room with the doors locked. A minute or two after I knocked she answered. I ask to go in … I wanted to watch and participate, but she denied my request to enter. I put the brakes on her in the room alone. They both left the room and returned to the table. I told her I didn’t want her to do that again and she agreed she broke the rules.
About 15 minutes later I went to the restroom. When I returned to the table they both were gone again. You guess it … IN ANOTHER ROOM! I blew up. I shouted through the door that I was returning to the hotel and she can get her own a ride home. She ran out right away. We argued outside the club and in the hotel room that night. Very few words were spoke on the flight home the next day.
Later that week she apologized, but offered no explanation. We don’t discuss this at her request. Nearly year later this still bothers me. I asked her at 3 different times what happened in the room and she gave different answers each time.
It bothers me she can’t or won’t follow the rules because we had fun during our brief exposure of the club life. My advice to newbies … be careful. The rage and feelings that over come you in this situation are indescribable.
Sorry about the lengthy story.
Sorry to hear about this difficult situation, Ryan. I’ve found that some people simply need to learn to not get “caught up in the moment.” A hard thing to help. I’m in no way excusing her activity, to be sure. Caught up in the moment is not an excuse. But I often wonder how to help someone NOT get caught up in the moment. Was liquor a factor in this situation?
Yes. We both had a few. She didn’t want to go without a couple drinks to loosen up a bit. I guess I am the same way. However we were not plastered.
I’d love to return (with our current rules) to a club, but I don’t want to put or relationship through that last experience again. As good as the first trip was, it was just that bad at the last trip.
She is uncomfortable discussing swinging, but likes to go ( except for the first trip, the subsequent visits have been her suggestion).
From the research I did on swing clubs, soft swinging and the rules we had were not unusual.
I am open to any suggestion. Thanks.
You’ve got a wife that can’t be honest. It’s only a matter of time before she cheats in your regular personal life as well. It’s all a matter of how horny she feels at the moment. When she gets horny, she will cheat. Women don’t like talking about things because its a form of lying and denial. A woman lies like a fish swims. A woman NEVER wants to be accountable for ANYTHING. They NEVER want to stand up and say “I did wrong and I’m sorry and here’s how I’m going to fix it!
We have been swinging for 6 years now & both agreed to an open relationship since day one. The road was a bumpy onee in the beginning but now we know each other soooo much. The problem wuith rules is rationalization. Anne probably thought, “Well, this is what I do when I make & it’s not penetration.” We have both done this. The rule you have is too vague! You need to understand that is a miscommunication, not a mistrust. My guy has the same problem, yet he has more rules for me than I do for him! Just last month he asked to have sex without a condom-which he knows not to even ask. But he did it anyways! I was p.o.ed to say the least! Yet, we talked about how to prevent it next time. Hasn’t happened at the last 2 parties since. Swinging is a lot of fun, so stick with it. Try the rule of same room play/sex. Then you both can keep an eye on each other & address issues right then & there.
Hmmm. This one’s tough. The “rules” were either more detailed than described, or they left a lot of gray area. If my wife were at a swinger party and asked if it were ok to leave to “make out” with another guy in private, unless we’d specifically said we weren’t going to have sex that night, I’d be expecting she might have sex. It’s a swinger party! That’s what people do when they couple up.
When my wife and I first went to a swinger’s club, we had very clear rules written out in advance. We wanted to have the rules be abundantly clear so there wouldn’t be any misunderstanding later. In this case, at least as the story was retold here, I’d say the OP has nothing to complain about. Now, if there had been a deeper understanding than he stated, and she violated that understanding, then that’s different.
The rules we had were very clear and the same for the both of us … which is everything (i.e. dancing, groping, oral, kissing) are ok, except we stay together in the same room and no penetration. In fact she was the one who suggested the rules, which originally had no kissing … only to change after our first visit to a club (believe me, I had plenty of opportunity on the first visit for that but respected her wishes).
Thanks to all for your in put!!
mate you took your wife to a swingers party
she made the first move to the guy ,, they had been in the room for a few minutes with her panties off
she was doing more than just kissing ,, he was playing with her pussy and i bet she gave him a bit of a suck
she wanted to get fucked a few times that night
Had you been the one to first meet a woman and all., would you have the same reaction., I wonder?? Jealousy is a lousy emotion. My husband and I., most of the time we do it in the same room., and it’s lovely to see how much he enjoys seeing me having orgasm after orgasm.
To answer your question … I had the first opportunity the first time we visited a club.
That’s why I wrote: “(believe me, I had plenty of opportunity on the first visit for that but respected her wishes).”
I’d say a good part of my disappointment is because I exhibited restraint on our first visit and she was unable to do the same. You’re right about jealously being a lousy emotion. Since that time we have talked about expectations at cubs. We have visited several clubs without any problems.
I am so glad to hear that first time disasters happen to a lot of people. My husband and I just returned from our first stay at a lifestyle friendly resort and I couldn’t feel more crushed. As complete newbies to the lifestyle, we set guidelines prior to going, which were completely thrown out of the window once we arrived. Over intoxication had a lot to do with it, but still deeply disappointed in both of us. We are communicating and taking a step back.
FYI, when he noticed what I had done he stood up and grabbed his clothes and said he was going home, I grabbed mine also and we have been crazy sick about it ever since.
After a mutual agreement we decided to try the lifestyle as a fantasy or sorts to both of us. Initially started as a threesome conversation 2 girls and 1 man, but I decided that was not fair it should be just as much fun for me. He accepted that. So we found a website and posted our profiles as a full swap couple. After going to a couple of events and a club where we just watched and frankly had a blast on top of the best sex we had had in a very long time we talked about going just soft swap. Okay I was good with that because frankly I was having a hard time imagining my husband have sex with another woman. We met one couple privately prior to this and that was merely the girls only having some fun. After spending some time on the site trying to connect with people we thought we would have fun with he found a couple that wanted to meet us. So I read their profile and found out they were a full swap couple, I asked him about that and he told me he had changed it back to full swap, basically because I had been adamant about not letting another man penetrate me. There was no chance that would happen and I preached that to him. So I spoke to the couple on the phone and then set up a date to meet them. I also told my husband that the woman explained to me that they were a full swap couple and she wasn’t really into women. So the morning of I woke up a basket case and didn’t want to go. I was very nervous about the expectations, told my husband as much. I was pretty upset and fought with him about it. He said it was fine we had nothing to worry about because of my conviction that I wouldn’t let a man penetrate me. So we met, they were nice and extremely sexy, we all seemed to hit it off. My husband looked like a man on his first date, he was intrigued, and I knew it and it was ok. We suggested we go to a local swingers club that they hadn’t been to. So we all went and had a good time. After a while we decided because we were drinking we thought it might be a good idea to head closer to home. Actually then my husband said he thought we should go home. Well in my buzzed state, I wasn’t ready to call it a night. In retrospect, I have been kicking myself in the ass for not listening to him…The couple said there was a lounge at their hotel and invited us to go to the lounge, like an idiot I said sure why not. Well we got there and even though it was early, the lounge was closed. So then they invited us to there room. Like an idiot I said sure. So we went back to their room and then had a few drinks and then things heated up. We soft swapped I was with her husband and my husband was with her and I thought he was having the time of his life, the woman was gorgeous and he looked very happy, so I was ok with it because frankly her husband was attractive as well. Well things got heated and the more I drank the looser I became. I Kissing her and her husband and my husband really liked that. We were kissing, he went down on me and then the shit hit the fan. Keep in mind, in no way am I trying to say what I did was right. It was so very wrong, but to explain I was watching him finger her, smile at her and then hover over the top of her and I thought he was going in for the kill. In my drunken state, I made a very bad decision. He was just leaning up to kiss her, she had pulled him up, which he explained to me after. Any how here I go the woman who swore up and down that I wouldn’t let a man penetrate me and I did. I grab him a put it inside of me and my husband had no idea until he groaned as he was coming in me. I’m horrified, heartsick and heart broke. I have very much hurt my husband, deeply and it kills me. I love him with all my heart. What the hell was I thinking. After days of crying on both of our parts not being able to eat we are trying to figure out how to recover from this. He suggest sex with another woman at this point. The very thing I was most afraid of, but who the hell am I to judge. If this is what it will take to help up then I will do anything. His other option is separation…frankly to me that’s not an option. I can’t believe my whole world and life as I know it could be at an end…We are looking for some advice. The only thing good that has come out of this is that we have had some great sex trying to reconnect. Please help
I’m so sorry to hear how badly this went for you. My advice can only look forward for you. There should be no “now I get mine” reciprocity, it will only make things more difficult for you. This also should be a solid lesson about why you want to have control over your faculties when swinging, and why we recommend little alcohol, and that you should never do anything you wouldn’t do sober. But it’s done. All you can do now is acknowledge that it was a failed attempt at what you wanted from swinging, and ask what you should do going forward.
I am of the opinion that the discussion of separation is a rather rash response, and I would suggest giving it some time to blow over. Your comment about re-connection sex being great has me puzzled, though. This, to me, would indicate that he is somehow turned on by the events, and is taking it to its natural conclusion. Remember, these are your relationship boundaries, so no one can set them, or break them, but you. This also gives you the flexibility to work through things, recognize poor planning and miscommunication, and move on to fight another day.
I hope you do that.
Maybe I can offer some advice as a male soft swinger. Sorry if this is not timely, but it maybe able to help another reader. We have a problem or two, but our swinging has been great after talking things out and watching the alcohol intake. Swinging has really enriched our sex life, even though we are soft swap. If you guys continue with the soft swap, then it’s only fair to let the other couple know up front before things get started. That’s what we do and have not had any problems with the other couples accepting.
Some don’t want to see their loved one penetrated by another man because of relationship insecurities. Wether it’s penis size, technique or whatever. The husband wants to be the man to provide the ultimate pleasure that’s reserved for their relationship. He wants you to have a little fun but then look to him for the finish. He will be more trusting and secure if you share your experience with him afterwards. Plus the sex talk is a great starter!
Generally it all comes down to egos, which sometimes needs a little massaging. My suggestion is to let him know he’s the only one you want penetrating you. Don’t go overboard as he will recognize this. Give him small compliments at different times. Above all, keep him serviced!!
What do you think they do at swingers parties???
Right upfront, I have not read the other responses but when I finished the story I had a few thoughts. Trust and communication is the absolute basis for a swinging relationship. At the beginning of this sort of life, the communication must be almost too much so that the trust is is kept very secure. Your wife seems to have done you a disservice on both counts. It’s impossible for anyone but you and she to know what your own ideas of “making out in the next room” meant but obviously it didn’t mean upstairs, on a bed, in her panties to you. I, personally, would have most likely been with you in your understanding of the request. I have to agree with some of your impression. Did she think that making out meant him nude and her in her panties. I think that’s a little hard to swallow. From what you have given us as how this went down, my impression is that if you hadn’t looked around for her, the panties would have come off and she would have lost enough control of the situation that you would have left with a fucked wife. You are the only one who knows the truth but I can say that her communication skills either suck big time or she is not playing square ESPECIALLY because this is your first time at this and communication is so important. And what about being led to a bed, him stripping, who took off her pants or skirt, she’s either pretty dumb or she was looking to be fucked. You know her but i would be very cautious about believing her explanation. Again, i believe that if you had not interceded, she would’ve let him fuck her
My ex and her friends wanted us to join there group. They ask us in front of everyone. I said I’m not, and I had no problem divorcing a cheater. There party was the next week. My ex said she was going. I already had the divorce papers drawn up. They served them to her when she got there in front of everyone. She is back waiting tables.