Bridging the Gap (Between Swinging and BDSM)

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bondage rope & roses - bdsm & swingingIf you’re reading this, it either means that you are part of the minority of people that live an alternative sexual lifestyle or you are at the very least curious about it. That having been said, what about the minority of the minority? You know the ones… the “freaky” ones.

Hello, I’m Cadence Rayne! Well, I’m one of “those” people.

I know it’s happened to you before… you’re browsing local profiles on your preferred swinger site and low and behold come across a profile that catches your attention, but are immediately turned off by something you read; you might have been put off just by the screenname or you glance into a room at your local swing club to see someone being spanked, or struck with something; or your invited to a private party and are expecting it to be like any other house party only to find a dungeon in the basement. So, what did you do?

I’m guessing just like the average swinger you moved along in your browsing, glanced away from the scene at the club and perhaps even left the private party! Am I wrong? My guess is that I’m not but I hope you might take a moment to reconsider your decision, as I believe you could be missing out on some fantastically naughty time with potential new play partners.

Unfortunately, it seems to be fairly normal for the gap between alternative lifestyles to be large. Even though both communities (Swingers and BDSM) claim to be open and accepting of alternative lifestyles it would seem that the two simply co-exist rather than functioning in harmony with one another.

A few common myths about BDSM:

BDSM = Sex While some “players” enjoy mixing BDSM and sex, it is not a requirement. This means that just because they claim to be Dominant or submissive, it might not have anything to do with their decision to swing.

It’s all about pain! That couldn’t be any further from the truth. BDSM is a compound acronym that stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. A sadist is generally a giver of pain, while a masochist is generally a receiver. So, as you see there are many other components to BDSM that have nothing to do with pain and are in fact more psychological than physical.

“Those” people will want me to do something I don’t want to do. Just as is commonplace in the swinging community – no means no. Mutual respect is expected and behavior that doesn’t adhere to that basic guideline will not be tolerated. To this accord, many people within the BDSM community subscribe to the guidelines of SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) or RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink) – the common thread being consent.

As members of both the swinging and BDSM community, my Master and I (yes, I’m in a 24/7 M/s relationship) like to demonstrate the dynamics of our relationship or toys to those that are unfamiliar. We have found that slowly and methodically introducing people to BDSM via light sensations and/or gentle dominance/submission can often plant a seed that starts to grow. Our “fun bag” which is essentially our BDSM “lite” toys goes with us to any party we attend, including swinger parties – that bag includes things as “lite” as massage gloves to as “heavy” as a TENS unit which is used for sensual electrical play, with a few other toys and some rope thrown in for good measure. In fact, its quite common for those that we encounter to have that “Ah ha” moment and realize that they are in fact kinky – at least on some level.

I challenge you to expand your knowledge and understanding when you encounter those within the BDSM community. Perhaps you might email someone from your preferred site and ask them to tell you more about what they are into, or even if they’d be interested in chatting with people that aren’t experienced but open to exploring a little bit. At the club, after you’ve seen a scene end – kindly ask about what the implement is called or perhaps ask what something feels like. Becoming more aware and perhaps even discovering your own kinks will help bridge the gap, one connection at a time.

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5 Comments

  1. It’s a fun road to discovering the kink within. It started a few years ago with playful bottom smacks and has evolved into d/s relationship (in the bedroom) and a love of spanking, being tied up, sensation play and is ever evolving. I love discovering new things about myself and my Trbl. Keeps life interesting and makes for an amazing sex life.

  2. Great writing on a subject that needs to be talked about more. More often than not the swingers and the kinksters see each other as different tribes. I am finding myself acting as a diplomatic go between, to try and get us to see our common ground. I am most at home bringing the swinging perspective to the kinksters as I am still exploring my BDSM side.

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