I recently opened an okcupid profile and, after the flood of messages from straight guys that consisted mostly of variations on the words ‘Hey’ and ‘’sup’, limited it to be seen only by bisexuals, queer, genderqueer, or trans people. I was hoping to find some guys to date, but haven't got the time or patience right now to do the necessary wading through the bulk responses. I did, however, get a message from a trans guy who seemed like a good match. He understood the reference in my username, we were really highly matched through the okcupid algorithm, and he was really cute. Really cute.
We chatted back and forth through the website then moved to email so I could send some pics other than my profile photo. We clicked really well and were extremely compatible in a lot of our likes and interests. Particularly in a way that would end up being the problem: he is kinky and he is a dom. ‘Perfect', I thought, ‘My sweetie isn't into dominating me yet I like it. He can outsource that like Dan Savage suggests for partners that aren't into the same kinks as their partners.'
We continued to have chatty emails almost every day. I got all excited and brought up some of the details with my sweetie. His support and enthusiasm for this potential new guy immediately disappeared. Not only is he not okay with dominating me himself, he's not okay with any man dominating me. A woman, fine, but not a man.
There are varied and complicated issues at play with his feelings about this, which I understand and respect. He can't help the experiences he's had through his life with male aggression and violence, and he can't help his feelings, but to me this seemed patently unfair. We discussed it at length and broke it down as much as possible but neither of us could truly make the other understand our disparate points of view. I felt like there was a certain amount of caveman, chest-beating “Woman is Mine!” stuff going on and I was hurt and angry. I'm a feminist and no-one's property.
But I am also a loving wife, and if we're going to make this non-monogamy thing work, I have to respect his boundaries, much like I expect him to respect my boundaries. And I know that there is a lot more at play than just the caveman-brain at play here, despite the fact that I'm rankling at the invisible bonds put upon me.
So I wrote to my new friend and explained how things were, thinking that there was still plenty of fun stuff we could do. He dumped me; not interested in playing by some other guy's rules, and not that interested in vanilla sex, even though I'm ‘really kind, engaging, smart, and hot.'
Sigh. So I spent a morning crying, because I'm ridiculous and brand-new to online dating, so I haven't developed the tough shell required for the quick connect/disconnect that happens (and I really liked him! *whine whine*). A poly friend said that any potential partner who doesn't respect the primary's limits isn't a good potential partner, so I probably dodged a bullet there, but it still blows. I know there are other smart, fun, hot guys out there, and maybe a wonderful female domme, I'm just gonna have to wade through a sea of “‘sup” to get there.
3 Comments
Kat, this was a touching, intimate story about the type of problems swinger/kink folks might run into depending on the arrangements with the spouse. I am not a psychologist, but I would think that although this situation resolved itself in the end; you may want to do some more work with your husband to improve your communication channels next time this comes up. (& it will.)
The thought is, if you or your spouse feel as though they are giving something up each time this type of encounter occurs, the emotional-system will either: 1) disobey (do it without partners knowledge, or 2) feel like your husband is not working with each time, when these out-of-comfort-zone situations arrive,–> this will lead to resentment eventually.
Both of these options are no positive for you & your husband. So, I would strongly suggest that you don’t let this opportunity to discuss boundaries & emotions with hubby, in hope that you both will learn more about each other, and to have a relief-system to handle these issues with hubby, as they start to evolve. Good luck. — Lowell
Thanks for reading, and for taking the time to post your comment and concern. After the incident we spent many hours working through the detailed Open Relationship Checklist that comes with Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up book, and have a much better understanding of our various boundaries. We are communicating well and are much better prepared to deal with any future issues.
Everthing’s an opportunity to learn and do better next time. High five Kat. 🙂