As hard as I try to apply the brakes a little and moderate my behavior in this very new environment, I am finding it hard to do so, probably due to a self-image problem. My love and I married young and we were rather inexperienced. We learned how to please each other by trial and error, with laughter and a few tears. Neither of us then could have imagined ourselves now. But having made the non-monogamy jump together, we still walk it on different paths. I find myself having doubts about myself still, especially meeting new people. While at the club, a voice in my head occasionally announces in a scornful voice, “Buddy, you are lucky to get anyone else to play with you at all!” I am learning to try and let that voice pass; not to deny it, but to listen to what it says then let it float by in a kind of tao-istic zenninsh sort of way. I am not always successful but I am still practicing. You’re just jealous the voices only talk to me.
Without speaking directly to my swinging elders (many of whom are almost certainly younger than I am) I can imagine this is not unusual for people getting started. I can now allow myself to take actions outside of what I previously considered acceptable. When the blinders came off suddenly all things became possible and I am now truly a moth in a chandelier. The forehead slapping revelation is that I am truly free and I always have been, not just in attitude (I always seem to want to do something differently than the way everybody else does them) but in action. Why didn’t I do this before? Why did it take so long for me to say this is OK? How amazing is it to discover there is still so much life yet to be lived. There is this feeling of joy I don’t remember feeling since I was a much younger person. This is not because I was unhappy with my love or our life together, without a doubt she is the best thing that ever happened to me. But for a while now I have felt a little like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty. I felt sedated… and frankly I sedated myself. I drank too much (teetotaler now 3 months, now that I think about it about as long as I have been swinging) and denied myself emotions that I only let myself touch upon after a few drinks and then a few more. By living that way, I denied myself both pain and pleasure, denied what was going on around me, and denied the years were going by. Maybe the blinders were simply my own, and I set definitions inside my own head based on what I thought was expected of me. Now that I have thrown off some of those expectations, I want it all, whatever the swinging world will share with me, but perhaps at this particular moment in my life I do not have the best judgment. It is clear that I am still figuring this out and I worry I may not have any brakes at the moment.
And if I have no brakes right now… then so what? I am playing safe and will continue to play safe. My love is very understanding and is happy that I am so happy. I think she is a little bemused because I keep hugging her and kissing her unexpectedly and thank her for loving me and letting me be myself, and not being hurt by my new lifestyle choices. She too has another lover (quite some distance away), and she is preparing to visit him soon and is really excited about the possibilities there. I am cheerleading for her and really hoping she is as happy in her situation as I currently am in mine. We continue to explore this new world of ours, together and separately.
2 Comments
Salmon: I am curious as to how you broached the subject with your wife and how you came to negotiate your arrangement. Most wives it seems would be totally opposed to even discussing the subject. Looking forward to your next post.
B.
That’s a short question with a long answer. As my love does not swing, and prefers her anonymity, I am going to defer your question for a day or two. She and I need to discuss what part of her life we are willing to share here. Thanks for the comment.