Sensual Mind Games & Giving Up Control – Humiliation in BDSM and Kink

There’s been lots of talk about kink here on the Swingset. Recently I was approached to write about a certain brand of kink that, up until recently, hadn’t been discussed much. It happens to be the kind of kink I enjoy and it’s called erotic humiliation.

In the realm of BDSM it can be an uncomfortable topic. Everyone is used to spanking, flogging, even bondage. These subjects can sometime seem, dare I say, pedestrian. Unfortunately, I don’t particularly enjoy pain play. Not on it’s own anyway. Even with an experienced Dom I only come close to the edge but not over it.  What takes me to that place involves hands intertwined in my hair, my head pulled back, being forced to my knees, being told what I can and cannot do, having to ask or even beg for release and it all starts with the words “Are you my dirty whore?”

It’s not just pain or forceful dominance. The power is also in the words, in the triggers. In the real world I don’t approve of the words “whore” or “slut” being used to shame. I also don’t like being told what to do. Tell me not to do something, say something or wear something and I’ll immediately want to do it. In the realm of play, though, the things I can’t abide in real life become eroticized. These words strongly delivered are a turn on. I long to be told what to do. I want to give my Sir complete control of me and enjoy every “Please, Sir” and “Thank you, Sir” I utter. I’m aroused by the fear of being punished for not completing a task or forgetting to ask permission. These triggers are strong and can even work when written. I’ve been reduced to a wet mess with just a text. It’s not about the smack on the ass or a cane across the thighs. It’s about the power exchange. It’s the ultimate mind fuck.

At its core erotic humiliation is about using embarrassment, fear and shame. These aspects can run the spectrum from verbal to physical. It’s also important to note that humiliation and dominance are not exactly the same thing. Humiliation doesn’t always involve being ordered about.  Strict humiliation without dominance is when words and actions are used to belittle not to dominate. The Domme, in the absence of dominance, is sometimes called a Humiliatrix. Personally, I like humiliation along with dominance and good dose of bondage thrown in. It’s less about embarrassment for me than it is about giving up control.

Erotic humiliation itself can be broken down into varieties of verbal and physical forms. Verbal humiliation can mean the use of words like slut or whore; being mocked, ridiculed or have appearance belittled; use of racial or ethnic slurs; asking permission to eat, to go to the bathroom or to have an orgasm; not allowing sub to leave the dungeon or house; treated like a pet or an object; being treated or scolded like a child; made to use honorifics such as Master, Mistress, Sir, Ma’am or Daddy. An example would be using demeaning language with the sub either in a forced feminization, a pet play or slave scene.

Physical aspects of humiliation can be; being slapped or spanked; having movements restricted; orgasm denial or orgasm on demand; sexual denial by command or use of chastity device; enforced dress code (i.e.: forced cross dressing) or required to wear nothing; deprival of privacy such as being watched using the toilet; requiring to wear collar; performing acts of body worship; performing tasks or acts of service; public humiliation; being used as furniture; being ejaculated on or spit on; used as a human toilet; cuckolding; performing sexual acts without reciprocation. Examples can be the use of spanking to humiliate like a child, using someone as a chair or footrest, forced oral sex or asking the sub to do something embarrassing in public.

Humiliation, just like pain play, requires discussion and negotiation beforehand to state desired play, set limits and agreement on safe words. It is important to establish a clear safe word in play where words like “no”, “stop”, “ow” or “help” can be part of the scenario. You also need to decide whether it will be played out as just a scene or be part of everyday life. Communication is also very important when multiple partners are involved as in open relationships. Different partners could have different rules and boundaries. It helps to have a Top that you trust & feel comfortable with. Erotic humiliation is about discovering erotic triggers. Constant communication on both sides of the D/s relationship helps to know not only what works but also what doesn’t.

It can be difficult to understand why someone would find the eroticization of humiliation such a turn on. It can look frighteningly like abuse from the outside. It’s important to know that both the Dom/Top and the sub/bottom are engaging in play that arouses the other. Humiliation is not just about pleasuring yourself but your play partner as well. The sub tells the Dom what they would and would not like to do, and vice versa, so it is always consensual. Even rape play that looks non-consensual was negotiated ahead of time with safe words and limits. Aftercare is just as important here as it is with pain play. Erotic humiliation is a mind game so there should be comfort and reassurance afterward.

There is also a temptation to psychoanalyze the origin of these desires. I recently read an article by ABC News where psychologists tried to determine the origins of fetishes. They were convinced that certain events in childhood must kick off the fetish. Humiliation is sometimes described as a kink and sometimes fetish. This may be because paraphilias can be incorporated into play. It’s a slippery slope trying to figure out how a kink or a fetish manifests itself. I’m not a big fan of this kind of analysis. I believe the reasons for what turns you on depends on many different personal factors. Not every foray into kink or fetish has to do with childhood trauma. It could just feel good and work for you or your partner.

I feel like this was only the tip of the iceberg on this topic. I can only hope it opened a small window into a kind of kink that has a tendency to live in the shadow of it’s pain play cousin.  If you’d like to include some of this into your play the best way to start is talking to your partner. Do a little researching, a little soul-searching and start slowly if need be. There are books that cover the subject by authors such as Tristan Taormino and Midori plus lots of erotica for inspiration, You can even find classes on erotic humiliations at popular adult stores, fetish events and dungeons. Humiliation is different things to different people.  It may take both conversation and experimentation to find what works for you