Lover as Chameleon – Flexible Sexual Kinkery


bondage-blindfolded-girlNon-monogamy and swinging has allowed Marilyn and I to be exposed to a wide variety of sexual interaction that, had we continued upon our plain ole monogamous ways, we might never have seen. Among these things are the vast spectrum that is BDSM, anal play, bisexuality and other wonders of the sexual experience.

Have we liked everything we’ve been exposed to? No. Have we come out more complete for having seen these things? Absolutely.

I personally have found something rather interesting about myself very recently. I have always known I’m a pleaser, so much of my sexual encounters involve pleasuring my partners. What I’ve come to realize more recently is how much my sexual interests are informed by the partner I am with at any given time.

I am a Chameleon. As I discuss sexual interests with a potential partner, I can feel myself attuning to what they’re looking for and hoping to get from me. This begins almost immediately. I used to wonder if it made me disingenuous, but I realize I’ve never claimed to be something I’m not with a playmate.  It’s not like I run around professing myself to be a true Dom, but when my playmate wants to be Dommed, sure I can do that.

This portion of it used to be a source of conflict for me, specifically. When Marilyn first wanted to be Dommed and abused and spanked and called names, I had a hard time with it. The residual “you never treat your wife like that” overpowered the decidedly non-vanilla “unless she asks you to…” caveat. Knowing she wanted me to yank her hair and make her gag on my cock was so antithetical to what I’d learned from every woman ever on tv: “don’t fucking grab the back of my head when I’m going down on you!”

So, for a time, I let Marilyn’s playmates fulfill this portion of her desire, and I had my semi vanilla-ish sex with my playmates.

At some point I must have become more open to pushing my conceptual boundaries, and when that happened my playmates must have sensed it, because some time around last November seemingly everybody started wanting it rougher. It was so common suddenly that I noted the change to myself. At once I was being asked to pull hair and spank and grab throats and toss around. And this was with many of the playmates who had not asked for this in the past. So either they all spontaneously changed, or I did and they caught wind of it.

Committed to understanding the value of providing something for my wife and playmates that they seem to crave, I began playacting at first. I pulled every proverbial punch, and they could smell it. The feigned tug on the hair gets a half-hearted smile in return, the first time I grabbed a handful and YANKED, lips parted, and ecstasy was exhaled. I took a moment and reflected.

When we are at our best sexually, we are doing something that pleases our partners. All of us have every right to be a selfish lovers occasionally within our various relationships, but when we are being “givers” we are also being “receivers.” For me, the most satisfaction comes out of watching that enjoyment in my playmate. Seeing that she (or he, in fairness) is getting off makes me get off. So when I saw HOW MUCH these girls were LOVING having their hair pulled, being treated roughly, being called those things that I would never call them unless asked (cunt, slut, whore, cum dumpster [seriously!]) I got off on their enjoyment.

Which made me, of course, wonder about my “commitment to the Domination or humiliation.” Did it really matter if the act, the play, the Domming, wasn’t what spun my wheels? To those who take some of these kinks very seriously, I’ve been told that if they don’t really feel it from their partner, it doesn’t do as much for them. And perhaps I’m not going the full monty all the way to the point that some might want.

But when a chameleon sits on a brown log, he doesn’t turn into a log, he just begins to resemble it.

So to begin to resemble what our lovers desire in the deepest recesses of their kinky minds, and to get off on their enjoyment of those kinks…well, I think that makes me truly flexible!


About Author

Cooper S. Beckett is a relationship coach specializing in non-monogamy, author of  My Life on the Swingset: Adventures in Swinging & Polyamory & A Life Less Monogamous, and the co-founder of Life on the Swingset & host of its swinging & polyamory podcast. He speaks and teaches classes on pegging, swinging, polyamory, play parties, and non-monogamy. He is a graphic & web designer, photographer, and voice over artist, has been a guest expert on Dan Savage’s Savage Lovecast, & is the announcer of Tristan Taormino's radio show Sex Out Loud. He is currently working on his next novel: Approaching The Swingularity.

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