Who Are You Out To – Coming Out In The Lifestyle

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It seems as though there are so many things to “come out” about these days. Being gay. Being bi. Being an atheist. Being a Wiccan. Being non-monogamous. It’s an unsurprising by-product of a progressing society. Rather than shamefully hiding your atypical lifestyle, you embrace it. You meet others who are like you and develop a circle of gay, atheist, non-monogamous friends. Unfortunately, your parents/family/coworkers/local grocer may not be as embracing of your “atypicality.”

There’s plenty of advice out there (both good and bad) for people considering “coming out” to friends or family. Or for parents looking for advice on what to do when little Susie brings home two husbands. It seems that numerous people are trying to figure out who they should tell, and how they should tell them.

Everyone has a different situation, making the “out” discussion even more complicated. If you’re in a polyamorous relationship in which you live with multiple partners, and/or share children or households, your perspective on who to come out to is probably different than open couples who only have a sexual relationship with their “extra” partners. I’d venture that the vast majority of married-with-children swingers don’t bring those other couples home to the parents on Christmas.

Personally, I am not out to most people. I don’t feel the need to discuss my non-monogamy any more than which sexual positions I like, or how many shots of Jager I had at the bar last night (if I could even remember). Though I might like my other partners, we don’t share more than a bed (or kitchen table or bathroom floor), and I don’t feel the need to share further.

I have a group of friends who aren’t in “the lifestyle” whom I have made aware of my situation. These are people in my life who I knew would be supportive of my decisions. Beyond that, I obviously talk about non-monogamy here and on my own blog, so anyone that reads my stuff is probably aware, even though I have never discussed it with them.

Who are you out to? Your parents? Your kids? Your spouse (har har)? What about co-wokers, friends, or extended family?

About

Neamhspleachas is a twenty-something American expat living in The Netherlands. She’s been bucking the vanilla lifestyle for a number of years. You can find her putting her multiple degrees to good use by blogging about relationships, economics, politics, and boobs that are and are not hers at neamhspleachas.com.
  • alive_she_cried

    I’m out to one person. It’s lonely and isolating.

  • Kim

    Hubby and I are out to our parents because they were out to us at an early age.  Our families put the fun into disfunctional. LOL They also provided baby sitting services when we started exploring.  Also answers and support for our questions. Most helpful

    We could also be open with syblings. Most of which are also in the lifestyle to some extent.

    Our daughters in their mid twenties now, became aware of it in their late teens, more so after high school.  They were already experimenting in the lifestyle.  And they had lots of questions we could help answer. They were bi curious and like most late teens were already bed hopping.  There is only a fine line between these activities and swinging.  Maybe no fine line but rather entry level activites for the lifestyle. 

    With vanilla friends we were much more discrete. At times there were funny things, like running into what you thought were vanillas at a swingers club. LOL  Another was the time we ran into the parents of a boy who had bedded both our daughers.  Hubby enjoyed doing the same to his mother. LOL  

    With others we are very careful as not to be misunderstood.

  • Cyndi

    My husband and I are both bi-comfortable. We have both had some experience him more than me and we like the freedom of being with which ever sex turns us on at the time. We would love for hubby to be open with his sexuality, but we are afraid of losing some friends we’ve grown close to ovwer the last few years, any suggestions?

    • Kim

      Ah, that’s a tough one for sure. With most str8 men thats a real taboo for the guy to be bi.  Either common or expected that the gals are mostly bi curious to super bi.  We have a daughter in each of those camps and I’m between.

      Usually you can get the vibes of the extra guy in a MFM.  I would guess that openly bi guys are about as rare to even more rare than unicorns.  Good luck with your search for those.

      I take it that he is comfortable with the mate swaps and FMF.. He may have to be content with those.

    • Kim

      Ah, that’s a tough one for sure. With most str8 men thats a real taboo for the guy to be bi.  Either common or expected that the gals are mostly bi curious to super bi.  We have a daughter in each of those camps and I’m between.

      Usually you can get the vibes of the extra guy in a MFM.  I would guess that openly bi guys are about as rare to even more rare than unicorns.  Good luck with your search for those.

      I take it that he is comfortable with the mate swaps and FMF.. He may have to be content with those.

    • Kim

      Ah, that’s a tough one for sure. With most str8 men thats a real taboo for the guy to be bi.  Either common or expected that the gals are mostly bi curious to super bi.  We have a daughter in each of those camps and I’m between.

      Usually you can get the vibes of the extra guy in a MFM.  I would guess that openly bi guys are about as rare to even more rare than unicorns.  Good luck with your search for those.

      I take it that he is comfortable with the mate swaps and FMF.. He may have to be content with those.