Women, Swinging, and Seduction – From Meeting to Fucking in the Swinging Lifestyle

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when communication fails at a swinger party“My wife wants to drop out of swinging and instead have an open relationship…” announced a good friend of mine over a glass of Chardonnay when we met at the bar.

He had asked to meet with me to discuss a matter of “great importance,” as he put it in our brief phone conversation. “So, what is going on?” I asked. I had known both him and his wife socially for a few years now albeit we had never taken our friendship into the sexual realm.

“I’m not sure, it all started about six months ago when we came back from spending a week at one of the Caribbean resorts. I noticed that during our vacation at the resort she didn’t seem interested in following up on the contacts we made, a couple of times she told me to go ‘play’ by myself, which, as you know, the chances of that happening are close to zero…and after we came back she didn’t seem interested in going to parties or meeting other couples…she said that maybe we could have an open marriage, see other people on our own…not sure what’s going on…would you mind speaking with her? Maybe you can find out what’s going on with her…she trusts you and respects your knowledge in these matters… she may tell you”.

I agreed. I liked his wife, she was a pretty and attractive brunette, about 5 foot 2”, late forties, with a beautiful, spontaneous smile, I would say she was somewhat shy but willing to engage in pleasant conversation if one was to make the first move. I called her and told her that her husband had suggested we meet, that he was concerned about the “open marriage” deal….she agreed to meet with me so that we could chat.

We met at quiet pub where I knew we could carry on a conversation without being interrupted.

“So, what’s going on? Bill tells me that you lost interest in swinging but want to see other people separately?”

“Ah, is that what he told you?”

“Yes, indeed,” I replied watching the look of amusement that all of a sudden came over her face.

“It isn’t quite that simple, you see, it isn’t that I have a problem with swinging per se, Bill always got something out of it, and so did I at times….but very few times…”

I knew that they had been swinging for the last five years or so, actually I had met them early in their swinging lifestyle and they always seemed to enjoy their swinging activities so I wondered why this sudden change of heart.

“Let me tell you what swinging means to me as a woman,” she said. “I like to dress sexy, even slutty, I like the feeling that I’m attractive and desired…I enjoy the attention I get, the flirting, the dancing, the seduction….oh yes, I need to be seduced, I need to have that emotional connection that comes from being seduced and seducing the other person, feeling that there is more to the interaction than just plain sex….

“That somehow the connection is deeper even if it’s just a temporal thing…”

“So, you want to feel desired and be seduced, how about the sex?”

With a smile she replied “You’re so ‘male’ in your attitude….it isn’t just all about the sex.” The look of puzzlement must have made look somewhat silly because she grabbed my arm and squeezed it gently.

“Let me tell you how it goes for me. Sex is very important, but especially good, passionate sex. Bill and I have a good sex life but sometimes the passion is missing for varied reasons; time, kids, work, stress…albeit our sex life is anchored in a deep love for each other sometimes it becomes somewhat mechanical. At the beginning, swinging was a diversion from the ‘same old, same old’ of our everyday lives, a chance to meet new and exciting people. I had expectations that through swinging I would find partners that would put back the passion so important to sex for me. I was quite sure that I could bring back my passionate experiences back to my sexual relationship with Bill. Right from the beginning I was looking for the ‘quality’ of the passionate encounters, and not the quantity. Perhaps I was trying to recreate the feeling I had in high school when I went out on a date for the first time…it was all about the process of the date, sex may happen but it wasn’t guaranteed, although I’m sure the guys all expected…”

At this point she giggled and covered her mouth with her hand as thought trying to conceal the secret she just let out.

“What I found in swinging was quite different from what I expected. Since I’m not Bi I don’t look at swinging as an opportunity to have sex with other women: I like men….also, when we first started to go to ‘socials,’ I enjoyed the dancing, the flirting, what I call the seduction game…but it soon became apparent to me that not that many men are into the ‘seduction’ process, rather, they’re more concern with the fuck…often men would chit-chat and quickly they would start to touch in a intimate way, grabbing for the prize as it were without bothering with much else…I often would go along only because Bill was much into their wives or partners…but my sexual experience was, for the most part…ummmm… uninteresting and not exciting. I guess the ‘straw that broke the camel’s back’ was an experience I had at the resort we visited recently. On the day we arrived, and after unpacking, we joined a group of people in the hot-tub by the pool; I went into the water and no sooner did I put my head back attempted to relax from the long trip, when I felt a hand come up my thigh and cup my pussy….when I opened my eyes there was this gentleman smiling at me while his fingers had found their way into my pussy…and he said ‘Hi, I’m Bob…and you’re a very hot woman…’ I pushed my body away and smiled politely and told him I was rather tired and only interested in relaxing for now, but he was insistent, suggesting that we should retire to his room where he could massage my back and really help me relax. I told him I wasn’t interested and retired to our room. Now, you know you’ll say that not all men are that aggressive, that this may have been an exception more than the rule, but I would disagree with you. Most of the men I have met through swinging aren’t interested in the seduction, as though they don’t want to “work” for the sex but expect it as a matter of course. Many men just sit and watch the women play and join in at the end of the ‘female games.’ Others sit around and do nothing until the action starts and they join in…and though you are now expected to ‘perform’ as they ‘perform’….Finally, I’m fed up with the whole swinging thing…I would still like to enjoy a sexual encounter with a man f my choosing that doesn’t take me or the situation for granted, that is willing to dine me, take me dancing, seduce me, someone I can have passionate sex with…and then go home to Bill and tell him all about…do you think I’m crazy?”

“Nope, I think you have a very valid point with respect to the lacking of ‘seduction’ in the protocol of many men in the swinging lifestyle….maybe we do expect the ‘fuck,’ after all that is why everyone is into swinging, isn’t it? We meet, we greet, we fuck…..best way to prevent the emotional connection and the possibility of hurt feelings….or worse, the budding of a ‘relationship…’”

“So, it’s the fear of the emotional connection that prevents men from becoming the seducers? That’s a poor excuse if you ask me…or do men think that seduction will lead to ‘love?’ Ridiculous….to me seduction is about the lust, and I always thought that swinging was about lust….”

“Maybe, swingers are becoming complacent….I know I have witnessed situations very much like the ones you have described….almost as if the lust is forced or expected…” I replied. “But understanding that swingers aren’t an homogenous group and that swinging can take many forms, perhaps you have just been hanging out with the ‘wrong’ crowds…”.

“Really” she retorted, “How about when you meet another couple on a first date? Do you know how much pressure is on the woman to carry through from the meet to the sex? Yes, at times there’s instant chemistry, but that is the exception more than the rule…and what if your partner and the other person’s partner hit it off and you don’t?  The want…? There are always the excuses and the quick exits but why go through all of that? Nah! I’m fed up…”

“Well, let me know what you guys decided and how you propose to go about your open marriage. I think there could be more pitfalls in that type of scenario but….it’s your life, your decision. I’m always available for a chat if you need to…”

Now, it has been months since my conversation with Bill and his wife. Not sure how they’re doing, but at least I heard no news, which perhaps means there are no bad news. I see Bill three to four times a week at the health club, we chat, joke, but he hasn’t brought up the subject.

Meanwhile I have spoken with several women in the lifestyle about this issue since I was curious if there were other women that felt that there was a lack of “seduction” in swinging. Unfortunately, I have to say that I heard the same story several times from most of the women I spoke with.

I have just now started to research women’s expectations of swinging and I would welcome your commentary, suggestions, stories, and questions.

Are we, men, really missing the boat when it comes to women, swinging, and seduction?

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About Author

DrZiggy, Social Scientist, Sexologist, Professor of Psychology, Author, and Sex Researcher "extraordinaire" of the Swinging Lifestyle. Web at http://drziggy.com